


Discover, Recover & Try Again

by Baileys



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ashes and Dust, Crying, Distress, Drug Addiction, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Episode: s02e15 Revelations, Family, Father-Son Relationship, Fear and Loathing, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hotch is a great dad, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, In Name and Blood, Season/Series 02, Team Feels, Team as Family, jones - Freeform, not as depressing as you'd think, not for Gideon fans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-20
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-03-08 09:49:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 56,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3204782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baileys/pseuds/Baileys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Reid chose you to send the mesage to for a reason,  he trusted YOU. " Emily looks desperately back at the tree line.  Knowing Gideon and Morgan will be bringing Reid up any minute she decides to be blunt.  "It's not over, you know that.  He's going to need you to be strong for him."</p><p>Reid’s ordeal at the hands of Tobias Hankel brings many changes to the team, ones that SSA Aaron Hotcher least expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A new story from me, my first multi chapter in this fandom- wish me luck;)

Walking through the dark cemetery after two nights no sleep her pulse is racing, heart fluttering deep inside her chest, the cold air suffocating, escalating her already heightened state of anxiety. She can hear her colleagues alternately calling Reid’s name into the night, pausing after each shout to listen for an answer - something, anything to tell them Reid is still alive. Hoping like hell he’s managed to escape the small shack they disappointingly discovered empty. 

“Reid!” Emily takes her turn in the unending chorus and prays for a response. 

There’s no answer. 

Images from the video feed of him handcuffed to a chair, hurt and scared as a revolver is discharged inches from his head flick through her mind. She shakes them off. That is not going to be the last time she sees him alive. It’s just not. Unfortunately Emily already knows his soft sobs as he tried so hard to keep it together, knowing they were watching, will haunt her forever, no matter how this ends tonight. 

A gun shot resounds in the distance drawing everyone’s attention; Hotch immediately raises his fist in the air bringing them to a halt, silencing their worried chatter. 

“This way” she hears his emotion filled raw voice carry over the low breeze that sweeps periodically through the old cemetery.

Looking directly at him to make sure it really was Hotch who’d spoken its only then she realises he isn’t wearing his jacket. A thin blue dress shirt and vest all the protection he has from the freezing cold February evening. Most of them searching had grabbed coats at least, but it seems Hotch - and Morgan apparently giving him a quick look - had been in such a hurry to get here they forwent any preparations to protect themselves from the elements. As she races down the hill after both of them Emily briefly wonders, considering the pairs base line personalities, if it’s a form of unconscious self-torture, guilt for not protecting Reid from the hands of a psychotic killer.

Reaching the bottom the next call of Reid’s name comes with a sigh of barely contained relief because there he is, kneeling beside a body and Emily’s heart jumps into her throat. Reid’s alive. As they close in she can see the shovel lying next to the shallowly dug hole, gun and knife in the dirt mere feet away. It doesn’t take a 187 IQ to put the pieces together of what happened. Hotch has to have seen the half dug grave too, but he ignores it all in favour of reaching Reid. He’s at his side first, hands reaching out to help him stand. Emily goes to his other side, placing her hand on Reid’s arm confirming it really is him and not an apparition her mind has felt the need to invent in order to deal with an unthinkable reality. 

Reid is dazed as he looks between them, but doesn’t seem surprised by their sudden appearance, only relieved. They both help him up, and for a second when Hotch asks if he’s alright she thinks he might try and claim to be fine, but then turns out of her grasp and latches onto Hotch like his sanity depends on it. 

“I knew you’d understand” Reid whispers, voice full of emotion as he loops thin arms around their unit chiefs neck.

She watches the scene as if it unfolds in slow motion, Hotch briefly closing his eyes as both his arms manage to wrap fully around the slim body, crushing Reid against his much larger chest. Her own mask slips for a second, the control she’s managed to maintain shattered by heartache from seeing him so broken and vulnerable. Emily has no doubt as Hotch holds him tight that Reid is holding back tears, behind them Morgan looks like he might cry too, then Hotch steps back and hands Reid over to JJ. 

The other members of the search party scatter and Emily moves into the background. When JJ eventually lets go Gideon closes in, taking hold of Reid ready to walk him back to the cars. Looking around the scene she sees Hotch leaving, his silhouette all that’s left of him as he makes his way back up the hill. Checking that Morgan and Gideon have things under control she quickly follows, climbing with large strides to the top of the hill where she finds him already addressing the paramedics Detective Farraday called to the scene. She hangs back in the shadows listening to him describe the situation, advising them that Reid has been held for three days, beaten and tortured but his full mental and physical state are unknown, leaving them under no doubt they are to tread with the utmost caution. Hotch then steps away and Emily thinks he’s heading back down. Preparing to back track herself so it doesn’t look like she’s been ease dropping, she’s surprised when he deviates to the left, walking around the back of the tiny shack to where they’d left their cars. Following him once again she’s surprised for the second time tonight when she catches him leaning, hands flat against the hood of the SUV, head hanging in defeat between hunched shoulder blades, taking several deep calming breaths.

Torn between moving silently away or saying something to address the issue Emily chooses to be bold. She remembers the last time she stuck her nose into Hotch’s business and got burned for it, but that time there had been mitigating circumstances, aka her mother. So, confident in her skills of reading a situation she decides to risk the same reaction again and steps forward.

“He’s okay you know.” She announces softly, stepping out of the shadows on Hotch’s left.

He startles, something Emily doesn’t think she’s seen him do before, and looks her dead in the eye. He clearly wants to challenge her, ask why she’s there, say something, anything that will distract from his compromising position, but Emily stands firm.

“You understood his message, you saved him.” She emphasizes, stepping closer.

Hotch shakes his head, wiping a hand over his face as if to remove any emotion that might still be showing through his trademark glare, telling her he doesn’t believe it. 

“Reid chose you to send the message to for a reason, he trusted you.” She looks desperately back at the tree line. Knowing that Gideon and Morgan will be bringing Reid up any minute she decides to be blunt, even if it means giving more of herself away than she’d prefer to. “It’s not over, you know that. He’s going to need you to be strong for him.” 

Emily hopes her long hard look communicates the rest. It feels mean pushing this burden on him, but even though she’s not been with the team long she knows the dynamics. Reid will eventually sense Hotch blaming himself for what happened and he doesn’t need that guilt on top of everything else. How he’s treated in the next few hours will make all the difference in his recovery and if they mess it up they’ll lose him for good anyway. Emily’s damned if she’ll let that happen, not after he’s fought so hard to stay alive.

Hotch doesn’t smile, but something seems to settle on his face all the same. Behind them she can hear voices and he follows her gaze over the three people who emerge from the cemetery grounds. Professional mask back in place he raises his head confidently and walks away without a word.


	2. Chapter 2

The Atlanta emergency room is teaming with people upon their arrival. Most of the sick or injured crowding the waiting area having obvious cuts and bruises, a few showing signs of inebriation, but nothing that seems overtly urgent. The whole room reeks of desperation, families demanding updates on their loved ones and patients demanding to be seen quicker. The noise alone is overwhelming after so many days spent in the open expanse of rural Georgia and if Morgan is feeling it he’s pretty sure Reid is too. Luckily the EMT’s called ahead informing the ER staff of the situation and they are quickly hustled passed all these people through a set of double doors straight into a private cubical at the far end of a much quieter corridor. 

An hour later Morgan’s in the same cubical, back to the drawn privacy curtain separating them from the rest of the hospital. His arms folded, feet planted a foot apart blocking the exit like a sentry guarding the gates of hell. 

“Please stop staring at me like that.” Reid's muffled voice sighs.

Morgan looks over the huddled figure sitting amongst crumpled sheets, knees drawn to his chest, blood mattered hair sticking out from under tightly folded arms, head down hiding his flushed and tear stained face.

“I might,” he pauses, trying to keep his temper in check, something even the emotional plea has failed to douse, “when you tell me what the hell you think you’re doing refusing to let the doctors treat you.” 

Reid flinches at his biting tone, instantly shrinking back as if expecting to be hit. 

“Shit.” Morgan holds both hands up, palms forward in surrender. "Kid I'm sorry."

It hurts to see real fear in the familiar wide brown eyes now staring back at him and feeling like a complete heel for shouting Derek drops the subject of treatment completely. Poor kid’s been held hostage for three days, he’s tired, hurt and probably still scared out of his mind so a little tantrum over his right not to be poked and prodded by strangers is to be expected he guesses. Reid drops his head back to his knees without acknowledging the apology. Taking a deep breath, running one shaky hand over his face, Morgan tries to wipe away the feeling of failure happy to blame sleep deprivation for his poor judgement and emotionally fuelled responses. He wishes he could have a time out, splash some water over his face to wake up. 

“He hasn’t been seen yet?” 

As if the mere thought of escape had summoned him Hotch appears in the small cubical looking formidable and extremely pissed off. However his trade mark glare turns soft when he looks down at Reid and Derek almost breathes a sigh of relief, happy to pass the reins over to someone he feels is much more qualified to take care of him. 

“Reid, you doing okay?” The tiny shivers running through the skinny body increase slightly, but the kid remains in hiding and Hotch turns his steely eyed gaze back to Morgan demanding answers.

“There’s been a hitch.” He says calmly, gaze flicking from Hotch to Reid.

“A hitch?” 

Eyeing Reid with wary concern Hotch takes a step toward the bed, but Morgan quickly lays a hand flat against his chest, shaking his head. Letting his disappointment show that simply hearing Hotch’s voice isn’t enough to gain a positive reaction from the kid Derek nods towards the exit, indicating they needed to talk outside and smoothly leads the way. 

Standing in the corridor he opens his mouth to explain the situation, but comes up strangely empty on words. Feeling unusually pensive, unsure how to begin describing what’s transpired since leaving the cemetery in the ambulance Morgan closes pain filled dark eyes to regroup, but the sounds of the hospital, of other people in distress distract him. Pinching his nose and opening his eyes again Morgan looks over at his boss in defeat. 

“Tell me,” Hotch instructs almost pleadingly, making it impossible for Morgan to ignore the hint of desperation he hears in his voice.

The painfully bright hospital lights emphasise every crease and frown line, the effect adding credence to the poorly concealed worry which has been lining Hotch’s face ever since Reid went missing. Morgan knows he doesn’t look much better and chuckles to himself at the state of them. They’re seasoned FBI agents trained to keep calm under pressure; they face down terrorists, rapists and serial murderers on a weekly basis yet right now they’re collectively functioning with all the focus of a distraught parent who’s lost their kid in a shopping mall. Only unlike one of those kids Reid’s world hasn’t snapped back to normal the second he was found and reunited with his family.  
The reminder that this isn’t over sobers him and taking a deep reenergising breath Derek pushes aside his own anxiety and looks his normally stoic unit chief in the eye to deliver the bad news. 

“He was doing okay until a nurse came by and asked him to change into a gown.” Morgan shrugs, leaning back against the wall taking a moment to compose himself before continuing. “Not sure what else to tell ya, Kid flipped out, started shouting, wanting everyone to leave him alone. Including Gideon and me. I didn’t know what to do man, I’ve never seen him react that way before, I got him to stop but…” 

“But?” Hotch prompts tersely, folding his arms tightly across his chest as if that’s all that’s holding him together right now.

Derek takes another deep breath gaze to the floor, the tension between them rising tenfold. “He hit out at the nurse when one tried to approach him.”

“Reid?” Hotch confirms in disbelief.

Morgan knows how he feels. “He lost it so bad the doctor wanted him in restraints, I convinced her to hold off but if he doesn’t stay calm-”

“The doctor will have no choice.” Hotch nods in his usual nonplussed fashion that gives away nothing of what he’s really thinking. “Did they manage to get any blood work done?” 

“Nothing. He kicked over the tray and won’t even let them within feet of him now.” Morgan snaps, inwardly seething at what he believes may be the cause. He paces the floor, only just resisting punching a hole in the wall. “Hotch I swear if Hankel touched him, I’ll…” his voice drifts again, knowing Hankel’s dead and there really isn’t anything he can do now, but from the look on his face Derek knows Hotch gets the message.

“Morgan he’s been beaten, you know that victims-”

“This wasn’t like that,” He shouts, loudly, but then reins in his anger after looking around and seeing the attention he’s drawing, “this was different okay, this was more than a reaction to being physically hurt. He completely freaked out… and I… I didn’t know how else to-”

“You lost your temper,” Hotch finishes for him without judgement.

“I shouted to get his attention and he’s barely spoken since,” Morgan admits, guilt bleeding through his words.

Hotch visibly swallows, “Where’s Gideon?” 

At the mention of the name Morgan’s face darkens. Though he’s thankful Hotch doesn’t try and tell him Reid refusing to talk to them isn’t his fault, he knew Gideon’s conspicuous absence from Reid’s side was hardly going to go unnoticed for long, had said as much to the man when he stormed off down the corridor right after Reid kicked the doctor’s sterile tray over screaming bloody murder at the top of his lungs, cursing them out for bringing him to the hospital in the first place. 

“Morgan?” Hotch presses, drawing him out of his thoughts back to the present conversation.  
The worried frown deepens and Morgan takes pity on him. Last thing he wants is to cause the team anymore more stress and tension, the atmosphere’s already heavy with enough doubt and self-loathing to last them a lifetime. 

“He left.” Morgan forces out a sigh, giving up on his anger in one, long, drawn out breath as he tells the terrible truth.

The answer doesn’t sit well with Hotch though, if his newly revived pissed off glare is anything to go by. “He what?”

Morgan doesn’t need to be told Hotch isn’t mad at him and can’t help but smile proudly at the papa bear protectiveness that radiates off their drill sergeant of a unit chief in waves. If there is ever a person to universally bring out pathological protectiveness in men and women, Agents and unsub’s alike it’s Spencer Reid. Something about him has anyone who crosses paths with the kid wanting to keep him safe, even the Tobias Hankel’s of the world apparently, whom Reid had mentioned briefly in the ambulance as wanting to save him from his father. While Morgan tries again to understand the logic behind that Hotch’s gaze travels over his shoulder, sneaking a glimpse of Reid between the gap in the curtain and knowing that he’s seeing the same scared huddled form he’s been staring at for the last half hour, knowing it’s partially his fault he’s like that, Derek prepares for the reprimand.  
“You really believe something happened? Something more than what we saw on the video feed?” Hotch surprises him by not asking anything more about Gideon.

“I don’t know,” Morgan whispers squeezing his eyes shut to block out everything he doesn’t want to imagine right now. “He’s definitely hiding something, but…”

They all have a pretty good idea what went down in that shed, it’s not only burned into their retinas, but on tape for those of them without an eidetic memory, you know should they dare forget any second of it, but what happened to Reid when the camera went off is a question Morgan isn’t sure he even wants answering. 

“Okay,” Hotch concedes, “go wait with others, fill them in and keep calm.” 

Morgan feels the hollow pat on his shoulder and it makes him open his eyes in complete bewilderment.

“Keep Calm?” He snaps. “You’re kidding right?”

Hotch’s glare turns stern again, strong hands pulling him even further away from the cubical where Reid is hold up in a huddled ball of protection so tight no one, not even his friends’ can break through the self-imposed barrier to offer him comfort right now.

“You know as well as I do that victims of abuse will interpret their family’s grief and anger as disappointment in them.” Hotch stares at him, talking in clipped harsh tones making sure he’s getting the message loud and clear, “and whether we like it or not Reid is our victim and we…” Hotch falters, swallows and Derek swears he hears his voice crack “We are his family.”

Surprised by the rare visible display of emotion and more than a little sorry for losing his temper again Morgan nods in understanding before joining the others as ordered- he gets it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone whose read, bookmarked and sent kudos! Support thoroughly appreciated;)


	3. Chapter 3

Hotch stands alone on the other side of the closed curtain bracing himself for the confrontation sure to come. Spencer may normally be even-tempered and fairly easy to handle, but somehow he doesn’t see the often child-like Dr Reid dealing with this situation in the same mature manner he’d expect from the other Agents on the team. Since he’s been an official part of the BAU this is, surprisingly enough, the first time Reid has been seriously hurt. There have been incidences sure, but nothing a band-aid and good pep talk hasn’t fixed. They’re in unchartered territory here and like he’d said to Gideon back at the house, he’s never taken the time to teach Reid how to deal with the job emotionally. Now his hand is being forced Hotch fears it’s going to be a matter of too little, too damn late. 

Pushing the curtain aside and walking into the cubical guilt at what he’s allowed to happen floods his body the second he sets eyes on the shaking form in the middle of the bed. For three years Hotch has done his best to protect Reid, keep him out of harm’s way as often as possible, yet, proof of his failure is right there in front of him. It isn’t a reflection on JJ or her abilities as a field agent, but he’d usually pair Reid with a more qualified Agent, someone like him or Morgan who had extensive experience of dangerous situations, but Hotch didn’t see the harm in letting them interview a potential witness together. Like she’d said after it was confirmed Reid was missing, that was all Hankel was supposed to be, a god damn witness. Once it became clear he was the unsub JJ had said Reid had been determined to not let him escape, sure that Hotch would come looking for them. Hearing that had Aaron sucking in a breath to prevent the maelstrom of emotions already swimming inside his head from taking him over completely. That’s how much faith Reid had in him to protect him and he’d let him down spectacularly.

With his failure weighing heavily on his heart Hotch stops staring and takes another couple of steps forward bringing him within arm’s reach of Reid, still scrunched up on the bed. Unlike a few minutes ago when his presence had been largely ignored this time Spencer looks up and catches his eye. 

Unfolding his long legs and stumbling forward, leaning mostly on his good foot, Reid stands listlessly before him, “Are we going?”

Concealing his mild surprise at the absurd question, Hotch deflects by stating the obvious. “You haven’t been seen yet.”

Reid shrugs in response, “I’m okay, just really tired. I want to go home now.”

The obvious shaking in his voice is almost Hotch’s undoing, and he doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry at Reid’s childish ignorance of the situation. Taking a closer, more assessing look to determine his condition for himself Hotch notices his pupils are dilated and unfocused. 

“Reid you need to let the doctors check you over, you have a head injury at the very least -”

“No Hotch!” Reid shouts, voice breaking on his name.

“Spencer,” Hotch counters calmly, recognising he’s one foot stomp away from a full blown temper tantrum.

“I just really need to leave.” Reid eventually settles on telling the floor, his whole body shaking with the effort of admitting that.

They stand in awkward silence for a few seconds, Spencer looking embarrassed and ready to bolt out the door any second while Hotch, feeling more than a little helpless himself, tries to balance his usual expectations of his youngest agent with the rather unique situation. Catching the steely determination in his gaze as Reid’s eyes flick around the room Aaron understands why Morgan is so frustrated. This is not good, worse in fact than he’d imagined. Nevertheless, ever adapt at keeping calm in difficult situations, Hotch maintains his position and upholds his cool exterior.

“Why do you want to leave so urgently?”

Reid scoffs and looks up briefly before quickly turning his head away again, “Why wouldn’t I?” 

Undeterred by the sudden shift in mood from defeated back to angry Hotch looks directly to the floor, drawing Spencer’s gaze to what he’s seeing.

“Well for starters you’re feet are bleeding,” he points out, softening his tone and his features once he gains Reid’s full attention, “and by the way you’re squinting and tilting your head to the left I’m betting you have a pretty severe headache, possibly a concussion.”  
Adding to that he’s still covered in dried blood on his face and feet, has only one sock on, no shoes, his clothes are dusty and torn from his no doubt painful barefooted walk through the cemetery to where they found him plus he can barely keep his eyes open! Hotch says none of this however, well aware how it’s going to be received. 

But as if reading his thoughts anyway Reid screws his face up in denial, “I don’t care about that, I want to go home!” He shouts, completely ignoring all sane reasoning and throwing Hotch for a loop in the process.

“The hospital isn’t going to clear you to fly without an examination.” Hotch says through gritted teeth, ignoring the outburst.

“I‘m fine! Why won’t you believe me?” Reid doesn’t appear to notice the sudden tears of frustration trailing down his flushed cheeks as he animatedly tries to make his point, nor does he hear the footsteps quickly approaching them from behind. “I don’t care about the jet, I’ve been cuffed to a chair for three days, I’m dirty, I’m tired and I want to go home, I just want to go home!” 

Voice broken and raw with emotion Hotch watches with a heavy heart as, in a sudden moment of clarity, Reid realises how poorly he’s acting and instantly quiets. Squeezing his eyes tightly shut his hands fly up to cover his face in embarrassment. 

Committed to not falling apart himself Hotch breathes deeply and with both hands takes hold of Reid’s shoulders, looking him in the eye, “Reid- Spencer… I want to bring you home, but you need to let the doctors check you over first, I promise I won’t leave you.”

A doctor appears behind them, joined by a female nurse wielding a needle. Hotch understands the threat, and chooses to believe they’re more worried about Reid hurting himself than hurting him, because frankly to think Reid could really hurt anyone in his current state is ridiculous. Keeping one hand on Reid while he removes and shows his I.D Hotch frustratingly signals for the doctor to give them a minute. She’s a stern looking brunette who by her eye roll obviously doesn’t give a damn about his FBI credentials; however, the way she looks at Reid, still hiding behind his hands looking small and scared in front of him, suggests she does have plenty of compassion for her patient. A second of indecision crosses her face before showing him two fingers and walking away. Hotch chooses to take that to mean he has two minutes and not her telling him to stick it. He’d have laughed out loud at her droll tenacity if the situation wasn’t quite so heart-breaking.

Hotch is watching the doctor leave when a small hiccup pulls his attention back to Reid. It’s the kind of sound which usually masks a sob in someone trying desperately not to cry, a sound he’s more used to hearing come from Jack, so it takes him a second to associate it with the young man standing in front of him. Perplexed by the sudden shifts in emotion Hotch frowns sadly, thinking over what action best to take next. The shoulder he still has a hold of is shaking in his grasp, so with the embrace Reid bestowed him with at the scene still fresh in his mind Aaron takes a chance and pulls Reid to him, hoping his own awkward way of initiating a hug is interpreted as friendly contact. The poor kid flinches against his chest, but settles quickly and more importantly, doesn’t pull away.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you.” Hotch starts kindly, worry ebbing up a notch when Spencer uses the hands still covering his face to tug at his hair.

“I’m fine.” Reid insists quietly, the shaky voice suggesting he’s far from it. 

“Stop that,” Hotch tells him softly, ending the hold and intervening by physically removing his fingers from the tangled curls.

Before he can say anything more glassy brown eyes rise to meet his deeply concerned ones and they begin the battle all over again. “I just want to leave here with everyone else.” 

“Spencer,” Hotch answers softly, continuing to use his first name on purpose, injecting as much empathy and understanding into it as possible. 

It doesn’t work. Reid’s expression transforms from desolate despair into pissed off determination once again, only this time he actually tries walking towards the exit. Spinning angrily out of Hotch’s loose grasp he manages two steps before his ankle gives way forcing Aaron to catch him before his butt hits the floor. 

..

A long three hours later Hotch steps from around the curtain leaving the attending nurse and brunette doctor to finish up the discharge forms. After his fall, and once Hotch had settled him back on the bed, Reid accepted there was no way he would be leaving the hospital without assistance and since Hotch was unwilling to entertain Reid signing out AMA the subsequent argument over treatment options started them on a round of deliberations that would have pushed the FBI’s finest hostage negotiators past their limits.

“Hotch what the hell’s going on, is he alright?” JJ is the first to ask the question no doubt on everyone’s mind as he approaches the two team members waiting for him out in the corridor.

“His MRI came back clean and the X-ray on his ankle showed it’s severally bruised but not broken, he agreed to basic first aid for all his other injuries in exchange for clearance to fly, blood tests and the rest will have to be done back in DC.”

The two stunned faces of his subordinates’ isn’t a surprise to Hotch. He knows Morgan expects him to keep Reid in line, and JJ, well he doubts she’s ever seen him back down before. 

“Hotch he almost died, hell he DID die!” Morgan argues passionately. “He needs more than a GOD DAMN FOOT X-RAY!”

“Did he say anything about what happened yet?” JJ asks steadily, placing a calming hand on Derek’s arm.

“No,” Hotch shakes his head, the one thing they really need to know Reid still isn’t talking about.

“But Morgan said-”

“Nothing we saw at the Hankel house or in his other crimes suggests a sexual element.” Hotch cut her off, shutting that train of thought down immediately, without Reid’s co-operation and a full physical they won’t know for sure what Hankel did to him when the camera wasn’t on and until then there was no use speculating. 

“Then what do we do?” Morgan refuses to let it drop.

“I don’t know, but Reid isn’t going to be open to anything until we leave here. Together.” Hotch looks pointedly at each team member present, waiting for nods of understanding from each of them before moving on. “Where’s Gideon now?” 

“Came back an hour ago, he’s outside with Garcia and Prentiss.” Morgan sighs with an eye-roll, clearly still not happy with what went down earlier. 

Hotch reminds himself he still has to get the details on that. Reid hasn’t said much of anything after he’d bribed him into receiving medical treatment and Aaron hasn’t had a chance to talk to anyone else yet. He half expected Gideon to show up at some point giving him the opportunity to nip out and call Haley while he sat with Reid, but no such luck, it wasn’t like Gideon to abandon Reid so easily, but then nothing about this case has been easy and Hotch doesn’t doubt that despite his self-assured attitude that Reid would survive this Gideon is struggling with the aftermath as much as the rest of them.

“This was no one’s fault.” Hotch assures tiredly, heading towards the doors to round the others up ready to leave.

Morgan’s voice stops him, “Really? Because I think we’re all feeling pretty damn guilty right about now.” 

“Would you be feeling just as guilty if it were me who was taken? Or maybe Gideon?” Hotch challenges, walking back, gaze like steel.

He’s the unit chief, he’s the one who needs to keep calm in a crisis, but the last few hours of bargaining with an obviously traumatised kid, one he feels wholly responsible for professionally and personally on top of all the stress and worry of the last three days has pushed him far beyond what he can usually handle. Gideon’s disappearance making things even more complicated, pissing him off not just because of how his actions will affect Reid, but because he relies on Gideon to share the burden of looking after the younger agents. If being with Spencer was too much then the least he could have done was be there for the others while they waited.

“That’s just it, it wouldn’t be you or Gideon, and we all know that.” Morgan seethes through clenched teeth. 

“Guys,” JJ speaks cautiously, but it’s the nurse pulling back the curtains who interrupts them.

“He’s ready to go,” she announces dismissively, clearly as unhappy with them as the stern brunette doctor.

Reid is standing right beside her, ankle wrapped, Converse pumps Garcia had picked up from his go bag slipped over solidly bandaged feet, laces left undone. Despite having cleaned up and the change of clothes he’s still looking extremely fragile, staring unfocusedly straight ahead, eyes red raw from no sleep and too many tears.

“You know that’s classic alpha male behaviour. I guess I should be flattered.” 

“You okay?” Morgan, ignoring the taunt, immediately steps back from Hotch and with JJ at his side approaches Reid arms open wide.

Spencer winces, losing all composure in the face of that simple gesture, “I just want to go home.” 

Hotch hears the broken whisper as Reid accepts the offered hug from Morgan without hesitation and suddenly, as his chest aches at the sight, Aaron’s reminded of exactly why he’s put himself through the hell of the last few hours. 

“Okay kid, I get it.” Morgan says softly as he strokes a hand through Reid’s recently washed hair.

Waiting by the doors Hotch catches Derek’s gaze over Reid’s bent head and they exchange a hard look. It hasn’t gone unnoticed by either man that Reid doesn’t seem to have a problem with them touching him, but despite the minor relief that their boy genius isn’t displaying behaviours which usually signify sexual abuse this still isn’t the Reid they know, not by a long shot. 

“I get it.” Derek repeats, eyes looking over at Hotch this time.

Hotch nods, understanding that one was meant for him. 

JJ’s getting all teary eyed watching Reid cling to Morgan like a lifeline so he quietly instructs her to fetch the others, ready to go. She sniffs loudly and wipes her eyes with her sleeve, backing away through the double doors. Reid pulls away from Morgan, unconsciously copying JJ’s sleeve wiping action and grabs the crutches his nurse left him, following in her wake without looking at either him or Morgan on his way past. 

Morgan joins Hotch at his side watching him go, not a doubt in his mind that Reid overheard every word of their short argument. As soon as he senses Derek is about to make a move to address the issue or apologise Hotch holds him back.

“Don’t, not now.”

“But he heard me say -”

“Yes, but he also just got rescued from a serial killer.” Hotch eyes him carefully.

They’ll have to deal with the cards already dealt and for now try not to make things worse. Hotch pats Morgan’s shoulder, and together they follow Reid and JJ to join the others. It’s time to get the hell out of Georgia. 

Hopefully they won’t be asked back for quite some time.


	4. Chapter 4

The first thing Reid notices is how stale the air feels inside the jet, like it’s recently been unfrozen from a lifetime of dormancy. The atmosphere is intense too, everyone already on board keeping to themselves, leaving out the small talk and camaraderie that would usually follow the closing of a case. Unsettled, but overall happy to be left alone, Reid tries to sit in the nearest empty seat, in the corner and out of the way. He’s just manoeuvring his crutches around the chair when Hotch steps in front of him. Freezing in his actions Reid raises his chin and tries to convey his determination to be alone while maintaining what’s left of his dignity, which admittedly isn’t much after being babysat through an x-ray and CT scan by his boss. He had promised to behave but after his embarrassing hissy fit resulting in his near fall to the floor that hadn’t been good enough for Hotch, much like his glare right now apparently. Without apology he smoothly takes the crutches out of his lose grip placing them on the high luggage rack out of reach. Reid silently tracks the movement with his eyes, fingers’ twitching at his sides only just resisting the urge to snatch them back. 

“With me,” he says flatly and without warning Hotch lands a firm grip on his sleeve and pulls him towards the grouping of seats opposite the couch. 

Being physically escorted down the belly of the plane in full view of everyone bumps his embarrassment level up a notch. Had anyone else tried dragging him like a disobedient toddler he’d have pulled away instantly, but this was Hotch. In Reid’s mind there’s something so un-defy-able about Hotch that any kind of reproof from him - no matter how small - will have him obeying like a chastised child every damn time. 

He can feel the team’s eyes tracking him, watching, waiting for him to fall apart – it shouldn’t be long, Spencer’s pretty sure it won’t take much to push him over the edge and into the abyss. Eyes gazing lazily towards the back of the jet as he falls into the seat Hotch obviously wants him in Reid can see Gideon sliding into his own up front. He envies his solitude. But as strong warm hands move from his wrist to his back settling him near the window, looking up at the concerned face of his boss Reid accepts Hotch’s gentle manoeuvring is kind of nice. He isn’t hitting him, calling him names or making him dig his own grave and Spencer actually finds it comforting to have someone touch him who isn’t intent on causing him pain. A feeling he knows and remembers far too well, and not just from the last thirty-six hours either. 

__Emily and Morgan are already seated opposite and they both offer him reassuring smiles which he tries to return, but is pretty sure by their disappointed expressions doesn’t quite pull off. Garcia had endeavoured to give him a hug the second she set eyes on him after being released from the hospital and noticing the lack of make-up indicating just how upset she was he allowed it, but much like his failed attempt at a smile just now Reid knows the way he stiffened when she squeezed him hurt her feelings a little. JJ passes them by quickly, informing Hotch of take-off as she heads to take her own seat at the front of the jet. Reid drops his head to stare at the table, avoiding looking at her completely. She’s someone else whom he’s destined to disappoint if unable to offer visual reassurance of his okay-ness. Despite him telling her what happened isn’t her fault, every time she looks his way she tears up and so knowing he can’t deal with seeing her or anyone else upset again tonight he folds himself up into as small a form as his lanky frame will allow and, resting on his hip, turns to face the window. With Bone deep exhaustion taking over his body Reid lets his gaze drift over the engulfing darkness of the Georgia night sky. He’s so tired he doesn’t even flinch when someone outside his field of vision reaches around his waist to do up his seat belt, instead Reid focuses on the runway lights, finding their tiny linear brightness in the pitch black darkness surprisingly comforting and allows their twinkling hypnotising effect to lull him to sleep._ _

__.._ _

__The atmosphere on board the jet is as sombre as anyone would expect given the previous days and nights events. No one speaks as they dump their bags and get seated for take-off each too tired, too drained and too damn irritated to risk uttering a word that could break the illusion of moderate success. The clunk of the cabin door closing has Emily instinctively seeking out Reid, wanting to visually confirm his presence and she turns in time to see Hotch standing in the gangway taking away his crutches._ _

__Physically leading him down the aisle seems a bit much, but then she hasn’t spent the better part of the night into early morning negotiating treatment options with him. Although she hasn’t known him long she’s sure Reid has the ability to push all the wrong buttons when he’s in a bad mood and can’t possible fault Hotch for taking a more parental stance with him given the circumstances. In fact Emily understands perfectly, she personally spent the past few hours at the hospital waiting for news on Reid in the bathroom, handing Garcia roll after roll of tissue paper to stem the constant flow of tears and smeared mascara. She’s pretty sure out of the two of them she got the better deal though, Garcia at least is easy to talk down, looking at his disgruntled face she’d bet young Spencer is anything but._ _

__There’s minimal delay in preparing for take-off. Hotch takes the seat next to Reid, doing his seat belt up for him as if it's part of their usual routine. She knows Morgan sees it too but he doesn’t react, causing her to wonder if this kind of behaviour is in fact normal when it comes to Reid. Though she’s never been made to feel like an outsider with the team she’s constantly trying very hard to fit in, be part of the group, and if it’s normal for the group to dote over their youngest whenever he gets hurt then she wants to be part of _that _too. Granted she doubts he’s been hurt quite as bad as this before, pretty sure she’d have heard by now if he had.___ _

____As soon as they level out and the seatbelt sign goes off a chorus of metallic clicks fill the cabin. The mood instantly changes, not by much since the stuffy suffocating awkward silence still reins, but the overall tension is gone, like they’re all breathing easier now they’ve finally left the place responsible for their collective worse nightmare. Even Reid looks marginally peaceful curled up fast asleep pressed up against Hotch’s side. Feeling the need for caffeine Emily offers her seat companions a smile and stands. Walking into the kitchen, flicking the switch on the already prepped coffee pot with more force than necessary she leans against the counter waiting for the water to boil._ _ _ _

____“How’s the kid doing do you think?” Morgan asks, emulating her current thoughts._ _ _ _

____He moves to stand next to her in the tiny kitchen picking up a mug and placing it next to hers, gaze unwavering as he tries not to give away exactly how useless he’s feeling._ _ _ _

____“I’m not sure.” She whispers softly, staring back at the kid in question and asking the same when Hotch approaches them a minute later._ _ _ _

____“He’s coping.” Hotch answers, his too quick nod and light tone fooling no one, least of all himself it seems when his usual stoic glare slips to reveal the overt concern underneath._ _ _ _

____Garcia joins them next, exiting the bathroom chewing her lower lip near to bleeding, mascara tracks staining her cheeks once again. Emily wonders not only when she had the chance to reapply, but why she bothered in the first place._ _ _ _

____Turning back to Hotch she says, “Coping, coping or …?”_ _ _ _

____“Let’s all just try and get some sleep shall we?” He deflects eyeing their lined up coffee cups with disapproval as he reaches for own, seemingly unaware of his double standards._ _ _ _

____“That includes you right?” Morgan calls him on it, arms folded defensively across his chest looking him dead in the eye._ _ _ _

____Hotch doesn’t answer, instead offering a meagre nod clearly meant to appease he walks away to talk to JJ at the other end of the jet, Garcia, filled purple travel mug in hand, following unusually quietly in his wake. Emily shares a knowing look with Morgan, each offering the other a consoling smile before collecting their own coffees and making their way back to their seats._ _ _ _

____.._ _ _ _

____Reid snaps his eyes open and lurches forward, a scream of denial dying silently on his lips. The image of the couple he sentenced to death, their accusing stares demanding why he did not pick them to live fading back into the deep recesses of his mind from where they came. Just as Reid thinks he’s back in control enough to speak and reassure the three anxious faces staring at him that he’s okay a painful throbbing repeatedly impacts against the inside of his skull, his vision spinning forcing his eyes to slam shut. The pain is excruciating, but he’s too scared to remain in the suffocating darkness long and dares to open his lids just a crack. All that accomplishes is extreme nausea as the vertigo takes control, vision in a whirlwind the sensation of falling is so real he has to grab hold of the table for support._ _ _ _

____“You’re okay, you’re safe.” Emily says gently leaning across the table to take his hand._ _ _ _

____Reid looks around carefully. From the little he can see clearly Hotch is eyeing him with poorly concealed concern, Morgan too. Smiling tightly he ducks his head, trying to hide from the stares his nightmare and ensuing headache has invoked. Surprisingly no one tries asking him about his dream, in fact Emily’s the only one who speaks, continuing to talk to him in calming tones telling him not to be scared and as he listens Reid tries very hard to believe there isn’t a hidden meaning in her words. Is he not allowed to be scared? Why, because Hotch, Morgan and Gideon wouldn’t be if it had been them taken and tortured by an unsub? Oh, but of course it wouldn’t have been one of them, would it? Reid remembers the conversation he overheard at the hospital and transfers his lyrca tight smile over to Morgan. Morgan, who is supposed to be his friend, has looked out for him since his first day in the BAU bullpen when he’d felt overwhelmed, young and well out of his comfort zone of a college campus._ _ _ _

____“I have a headache.” He whispers through gritted the teeth, the pain becoming more than he can readily handle._ _ _ _

____“I got it,” Morgan’s voice travels back to him._ _ _ _

____He quickly stands, disappearing to the other end of the jet._ _ _ _

____“You okay Reid?” Hotch’s voice this time, less self-assuring than Emily’s, but calming._ _ _ _

____He nods slowly, closing his eyes against the persistent vertigo. To add insult to injury once the spinning does eventually stop and he feels he’s gained some semblance of control again the crock of his elbow on his right arm begins to itch, but he resists scratching and drawing attention to the very obvious needle marks hiding under the long shirt sleeve. The ones he’s neglected to tell anyone about._ _ _ _

____Morgan returns, tossing him two Advil across the table along with a bottle of water. He thanks him and downing both in quick succession Reid rubs at his eyes, trying to erase the last few minutes of embarrassment from his mind. For someone like him it’s an act of futility, but given the circumstances anything’s worth a try. Pulling away he notices his hands shaking and quickly shoves them under the table before anyone else sees it too. He desperately wants to close his eyes again and block out the world for a while, but knows now that’s a very bad idea. Aside from the obvious pain he’s experiencing he’ll dream again, about the kidnapping or his childhood who knows, but both are equally terrifying and both will leave him an emotional train-wreck. He really doesn’t want an audience to his terror, not again, and is sure the team have seen enough of him sobbing in fear for one trip._ _ _ _

____“Did you know there’s less than a 5% chance of being kidnapped by a stranger before adulthood?” Reid launches into the topic without preamble desperate to distract himself from his obvious embarrassment and subsequent self-deprecating thoughts. “Surprisingly even though we make up only 4.44% of the world’s population America is home to 88% of the world’s serial killers, factor in our lifestyle risks and it isn’t surprising one of us-”_ _ _ _

____Surprising him Morgan leans across the table, hand reaching out and grabbing hold of one of his which he hadn’t even realised had made its way out from under the table to demonstrate his point._ _ _ _

____“Stop,” He barks, effectively shutting him up. “If you finish that sentence…” Derek lets the threat hang, but Reid knows what he’s declining to actually say._ _ _ _

____Pulling his hands free of Morgan’s loose grip he swallows convulsively and sits back in his seat. All Spencer wants is for them to see this as no big deal, something that can happen to any of them, why is that so much to ask?_ _ _ _

____‘But it happened to you.’ His inner voice torments._ _ _ _

____“Shut up” Reid sniffs._ _ _ _

____It takes him less than a second to realise he’s spoken out loud, but content with letting them all think he’s talking to Morgan and not the voice inside his head Reid slips back into silence, eyes to the floor. He can see out the corner of his eye that Hotch is glaring, having a silent conversation with Morgan across the table. Emily is still looking at _him _. Ignoring them all Reid flirts with the idea of looking over to Gideon for help, but remembers all too well the disappointment in his eyes when he lost it with the nurse at the hospital.___ _ _ _

______It’s such a mess._ _ _ _ _ _

_______He’s _such a mess! He can’t hide anything from these people, especially feeling this way... Drained and holding on to his sanity by a thread Reid now wants nothing more than to be left alone in his misery, more than ready to let go and cry his heart out in peace.__ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Unable to stop them Reid feels tears born of frustration trail down his cheeks and his face heats. The realisation that all this may be out of his control turns into a physical ache that strikes him to the core, his heart rate speeds up, a fast thump, thump going off like a ticking time bomb in his chest and he feels hot all of a sudden, short of breath, like the air is depleting faster than it’s being pumped into the airtight cabin. In the mist of trying to control his erratic breathing Spencer realises he can no longer feel his fingers or toes. Their numb, tingling like all the blood has suddenly leached out of his body and that coupled with his others symptoms can only signify one thing. Eyebrows drawing together in a concentrated frown he tries hard to call up the relevant information that will help him stave off the impending panic attack only… his minds draws a blank - he can’t remember what to do. A weighty ball of terror drops into his stomach, a nauseous ache developing swiftly like a freak storm in a desert. So deeply lost in his distress, despite seeing Hotch’s hand reaching out to him in his peripheral vision Reid jumps when the warm palm gently cups his cheek._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Spencer, calm down, you’re okay.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Reid manages to look him in the eye and takes several slow deep breaths. Hotch maintains the gentle hold even after his breathing eases slightly, using his thumb to wipe away the embarrassing tears._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Can I have another drink?” Reid squeaks, throat raw as if he’s been screaming none stop._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The hand moves slowly from his cheek to his shoulder, fingers wrapping around the bone much too gently before letting go. The warm body moving away into the aisle leaves a hollow emptiness inside his chest. The despair he feels from the absence of touch takes him by surprise and Reid, not being a fan of surprises, recoils instantly from the shock._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Kid you alright?” Morgan eyes him warily from across the table._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Reid nods, makes an agreeing sound and quickly looks away, cutting off any possible rebuttal. The jets stale air and its supply being the least of his worries now as simply breathing at all becomes a tougher task than it has a right to be._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Reid?” Emily’s voice again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He senses her staring at him worriedly, but he refuses to face her and confirm his assumption. His eyes hurt, sore and start to blur, he feels wetness hit his cheek yet again, not a lot but enough to tell him he’s losing the battle to keep in control._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Hey, hey Reid, stay with us.” Morgan again, trying to keep him grounded._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Hotch is back, placing the second bottled water in front of him already opened. Snatching it up and taking a long drink to distract from the spiralling out of control situation Reid feels very small and very helpless trapped between the three most dominant personalities of the group. Wiping a ruffled sleeve across his face, catching as many of the remaining tears as possible he shrinks back nervously, trying to make himself appear as inconsequential as possible. It’s a defence mechanism he learnt growing up around much bigger kids, one he’s not had to deploy in a long time and it saddens him he’s resorting to using it now, sitting here amongst those he considers his family._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Resolving to try and fight he wills himself to calm down by taking in deep even breaths, but his entire body’s suddenly feeling hotter than if he was in a ninety-degree heat wave and isn’t getting any better. He can feel more sets of eyes on him now so squeezes his shut, desperately wanting to keep it together, to not be weak. Just when he thinks things can’t possible get any worse he’s proven wrong when he feels someone touch his forehead. The hand’s shockingly cool against his burning skin making him jump. Before he can question who the hand belongs to his inner voice perks up again, telling him how pathetic he is, that he isn’t strong enough._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Knowingly fighting a losing battle Reid wraps both arms around his shaking body, crushing himself in a self-hug, bony fingers digging into his upper arms so tight he experiences enough physical pain to distract from the desolate emotional one building up inside his chest. Reid hears his team calling his name, wants to answer them, tell them he’s okay even though it’s a lie, but can’t muster the courage to look up from under the sweaty hair now sticking to his forehead. Hotch shifts in the seat next to him and motivated to try anything to preserve what’s left of his dignity Reid risks swiping at his eyes quickly, trying (and he assumes failing) to remove all traces of the tears slipping uncontrolled down his cheeks. His breath catches, a hiccupping sob building up that he cannot and will not let out. ‘I’m not weak!’ Reid’s chest grows tighter from the lack of oxygen, but he’s gone too far, has no control over any of it now and briefly wonders if this is how it feels to suffocate. The sob eventually escapes his throat as he gulps in a greedy breath, and while he’s concentrating hard on not passing out from the force an arm slips around his back unnoticed, encircling his shoulders pulling him into a secure embrace._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________.._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________After placing the water on the table and slipping back into his seat Hotch waits for him to take a drink then reaches over placing a hand against Reid’s forehead, pushing the sweaty bangs out of his eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“He’s burning up.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The three agents present share a look, unsure what move to make next._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“We need to do something,” Morgan speaks when Reid declines further by hugging himself, fingers digging into skin so tight it looks painful._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Reid,” Hotch says gently, tone worried._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Spencer,” Emily calls at almost the same time, putting as much motherly concern into his name as possible._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh god what’s wrong? What’s happening?” Penelope’s voice surprises them, disturbing the overall quiet of the cabin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She’s looking anxiously at Reid who’s quietly falling apart in front of them and Morgan jumps up guiding her away, keeping JJ back now too, leaving him and Prentiss to deal with Reid. They both try to verbally reach out to him, but their words have no effect. Tears continue to fall silently from tightly shut eyes despite Reid’s meagre attempt to wipe them away and once again his breathing is erratic, chest heaving with the effort of holding everything in, stubbornly refusing their help._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Aaron finds Prentiss staring helplessly at him, silently asking what the hell they’re going to do to fix this. After a short period of intense, eyebrows drawn together concentration, where Hotch feels like he’ll break down too if he has to bear witness to another second of Reid fighting to keep from falling apart in front of them he finally comes to a decision. Committed to his chosen course of action, even though it’s rather unorthodox for him as their unit chief, Aaron removes his jacket then his tie and without uttering a word of explanation slips an arm around Reid’s shoulders pulling him close._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________With Spencer held securely against him, head pressed against his shoulder Hotch whispers soothingly in his ear, letting Reid know he’s safe and that it’s okay to cry. He keeps it up until the distraught kid shaking in his arms finally lets out the sob he’s been battling to keep inside. It comes out in a soft exhale, followed by another and another until finally he gives up the fight entirely dissolving into a fit of tears in his arms._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The sobs taper off lasting barely a minute in total, though to Hotch, and everyone present he’s sure, it feels much, much longer. When he falls back in his seat, too tired to support the steadily increasing dead weight, Reid clings onto his shirt so Hotch readjusts their postion until he's resting more centrally on top of him, something a little more comfortable for both of them not particularly caring about their compromising position or how it looks. If holding the kid is what it takes to keep him calm for the rest of the flight then that’s exactly what he’s going to do. He owes Reid that much. Somehow he doesn't see any one of this team, this family, running to tell Strauss. Stroking one hand up and down Reid’s back to sooth he's content to continue the gentle touches until exhaustion finally takes over and sleep claims him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________After a few minutes of uninterrupted quiet Hotch glances down at the warm body settled comfortably against him, head resting under his chin. All he can see is sweat-soaked curly hair, but feeling the steady rise and fall of the kid's chest against his own Hotch is reassured that the worst of this episode is over and Reid’s sleep, if not exactly peaceful, is currently nightmare free. A blessing for sure, he thinks sighing in relief, knowing that is something else they'll most certainly have to deal with in the future. Across from them Prentiss, looking very near tears herself after having to bear witness, stands quickly and fetches a blanket. She tucks it around Reid the best she can before gripping Hotch’s shoulder in support and disappearing to the rear of the jet. Hotch doesn’t expect her back anytime soon. Sitting alone with Spencer curled up peacefully against him Hotch leans into the aisle spying Morgan talking with JJ and Garcia at the front of the jet, attention on each other, all giving Reid as much privacy as possible. Satisfied they’ll keep that way for a while he sits back in his seat with another heavy sigh, his own tenuous hold on his emotions at risk of breaking if he doesn’t take a minute to regroup. Rhymically carding his hand through Reid’s damp curly hair Hotch relaxes with the familar weight against his chest and allows his mind to wander to something pleasant, but unfortunately thinking of home, of Haley and then Jack his mind brings him full circle back to Spencer and the events which have led to this heart-breaking, team-dynamic altering moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Hypervigilance; _‘A reaction to danger so intense that the person affected will stay in a heightened state of anxiety until they find a means of escape and should escape be impossible coping behaviours such as seeking something or someone to hold onto may result.’ _____ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________It’s right out of the ‘dealing with victims of trauma’ handbook and they missed it in Reid. It made him so mad he wanted to kick himself, and if the kid wasn’t currently so reliant on him remaining still and calm then maybe he would have. Hotch should have known something wasn’t right from the moment they found him, but had been so surprised by the hug, so happy to find him alive and then so focused on blaming himself that thinking went completely out the window. Profilers, FBI Agents, it didn’t matter, this affected them on a personal level and that meant they missed all the usual clues which would have helped them help Reid sooner, before the anxiety got to the ‘too exhausted to keep fighting’ stage._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________As much as he wishes the team weren’t here as witnesses to this breakdown Hotch knows Reid can trust them and told him as much while he was whispering in his ear, encouraging him to stop fighting. However holding the young man in his arms now, feeling his adrenaline induced tremors lessen Hotch can’t help but think it should be Gideon offering this comfort. So far no one’s questioned that’s it him taking care of Reid, but they will and Hotch fears Gideon’s often bad habit of internalising pain, to the point he forgets those closest to him, is going become an issue within the team before long. He knows this because he knows Gideon and remembers the look they shared in the cemetery when Reid threw himself at him, desperately seeking safety._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________As the unit chief Hotch tries to keep a level of professionalism about him at all times, but Reid’s arms looping around his neck, holding on for dear life changed everything. Once he got over his initial surprise Hotch returned the hug with as much feeling as it was given, but it came at a price, breaking the emotional barrier he’d put up in order to find Reid in the first place. He’d nearly lost it twice at the Hankel house already. The first time when he’d seen Reid on the computer screens, the second when Hankel put a gun to his head demanding he choose. Third time was strike out, so he released Reid, thankful JJ was there to fill the gap and left, seeking privacy to pull himself back together. It worked, with more than a little help from Prentiss. Her ambushing of him certainly ensured he had his head back on straight in record time, and he in turn past her wise message onto Morgan when it seemed he was falling down that particular rabbit hole back at the hospital. Though it begs the question how Prentiss, supposedly someone who’s only ever worked a desk, not only seems to know first-hand how trauma victims respond, but is able to keep her head in the field when the rest of them are losing it around her. At the time he put it down to her being the newest addition to the team and therefore the least emotionally invested, but that isn’t it. Walking in on her and JJ talking, her comment about compartmentalising better than others, something was off in that conversation._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Shaking those concerns away for now, Hotch files the information away in the back of his mind to examine later. He’s too distracted to give serious thought to anything beyond their current situation and just remembering the Hankel house, his key role in sending their youngest profiler and media liaison out without back-up, has him unconsciously squeezing Reid a little tighter._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Hotch doesn’t realise he’s been staring at them until Morgan catches his eye, directing his gaze down at Reid with deep sadness. He shakes his head at the guilty look, assuring him that this isn’t his fault for snapping at Reid about statistics. This would have happened not matter what. Instead he points his chin at Gideon who looks like he’s sleeping, but is more likely ignoring the situation entirely, since he doubts anyone could have slept through all the initial commotion. A stab of paternal anger flares inside his chest when Morgan shakes his head back, but as if sensing his annoyance with Jason not even bothering to enquire after their kid the still too warm body which has collapsed against him shifts in his arms, briefly exposing the wet patch on his shirt now lying coolly against his chest. Looking back up again he catches the occasional glance which the others have started sending their way, obviously they have questions, but he honestly doesn’t know how to answer them. However nodding to Morgan’s now determined look he promises he’ll sort things with Gideon. Reid isn’t going to recover overnight and he’ll need all of them supporting him to get through this. Hotch is determined he will too, no matter what._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	5. Chapter 5

An hour into the flight and Emily is the only one on the jet still awake, or so she thinks until a sudden jolt of turbulence has Hotch opening his eyes on instinct.

“I was just resting my eyes,” he excuses in answer to her curious look from across the table.

He’s still holding Reid over his lap and she watches him shift uncomfortably in his seat, like he’s trying to bring the blood flow back to his upper thighs.

“He can’t be that heavy,” she scoffs humorously before she can stop herself.

“You’d be surprised,” Hotch replies good-naturedly, sitting up straighter, balancing Reid more centrally on top of him as he straightens himself out.

Emily laughs, finding it odd that BAU Unit Chief SSA Aaron Hotchner, a man who could easily be running the FBI one day actually looks more embarrassed that he’s been caught slouching in his seat with a creased his shirt than by the fact he’s cuddling a member of his team. Under any other circumstances she’d whip out her phone and take a picture, the scene before her is that adorable, but knows very well not one person on the jet wants a reminder of this case. Watching Hotch watching Reid sleep she can tell that the permanent worried look which has replaced his usual stoic stare isn’t going to disappear overnight either.

__“He’s going to be okay,” she enthuses trying to ease some of his lingering distress.  
“He should hate me,” Hotch says plainly, looking distant._ _

__“Why?” She refutes immediately in utter disbelief._ _

__The answer actual surprises her, mainly because even for the short time she’s known him Aaron Hotchner has never come across as anything but sincere, which means he honestly believes that._ _

__“I sent him to Hankel. This is my fault.”_ _

__Emily can’t actually believe what she’s hearing, “It’s because of you he’s safe right now,” she directs her gaze over her shoulder, towards the rest of the team now snoozing quietly, “with his family.”_ _

__Hotch stares at her, not with his usual air of confidence, but with the pained expression of failure. Features open and raw, the vulnerability she can see in his dark troubled eyes concerns her greatly. Sighing unhappily Emily fears she knows what the problem is, it’s the same one she’s been having ever since finding Reid kneeling next to the body of his kidnapper hurt, filthy and so, so scared._ _

__“He frightened me tonight,” she starts quietly, eyes downcast likes she’s revealing her biggest secret._ _

__In many ways she is, admitting fear is not something Emily has or will ever do lightly._ _

__“I think he frightened us all.” Hotch sighs, sounding completely exhausted._ _

__“Yeah,” she laughs politely, sobering quickly, “but when we found him, I… it reminded me... he’s so…”_ _

__“Young,” Hotch fills after too long a pause._ _

__“Yeah.” She nods, happy to not be the only one who thinks so._ _

__“His intelligence and knowledge tricks us into believing he’s older and more experienced than he is.” Hotch admits, though she senses grudgingly._ _

__“You know I knew joining the BAU would be tough, but I can’t imagine what it must be like for someone like him.”_ _

__“It’s not easy for anyone.” Hotch responds cryptically._ _

__“But…” Emily trails unsure how to voice what she’s thinking without it coming across wrong. “He’s different. See’s things differently, I know there’s evil in the world and that’s okay... for me… but not for him.”_ _

__Hotch nods, the look on his face suggesting he knows exactly what’s she’s trying to say._ _

__“I should have protected him better.”_ _

__She immediately begins shaking her head, “You couldn’t have known about Hankel.”  
“I could have not taken the risk.”_ _

__“You know better than I do we can’t predict everything. Things happen. Bad things happen.”_ _

__“It doesn’t change the facts.” Hotch refutes with finality._ _

__Emily groans at his stubbornness. “Fine. _I know _it’s not your fault and you know why?"___ _

____"Why?"_ _ _ _

____"Because Father’s always blame themselves when their children get hurt, no matter what the circumstance. This isn't about facts, it's personal.”_ _ _ _

____Emily eyes Hotch carefully, judging his reaction to her balant calling out, but his next question surprises her._ _ _ _

____“What you said to me in the cemetery, how did you know?”_ _ _ _

____“Basic academy training,” she covers with a nonchalant shrug despite suddenly feeling like something else is now going on behind Hotch's concentrated gaze, a feeling which is compounded when the worried frown turns inquisitive. “What else is on your mind? Aside from the obvious,” she expertly deflects, adding a quick nod at Reid who has started making sounds of discomfort._ _ _ _

____“You, actually” He announces like it answers everything._ _ _ _

____Emily stares back at him, hopping to embarrass him into dropping the subject which he hasn’t mentioned yet but will, given half the chance. Unfortunately he isn’t as self-conscious about his intimate position with Reid as she would hope right now and considering how he likes to keep things professional while on the job that too surprises her. However she deduces it’s who he’s comforting that makes all the difference, coupled with the fact they technically stopped being on the job the second Reid was kidnapped. That’s when it had become personal for all of them and she’d been forced to reveal more about her real job experience then she’d been ready to._ _ _ _

____“Me?” she feigns surprise, buying time to find a way to end this conversation before it really starts._ _ _ _

____Emily thins her lips, ill-prepared to deal with this right now, given what they’ve been through over the past two days. Ever since JJ questioned her at Hankel’s place she knew Hotch’s underlying curiosity about her had found the opening he needed. She knew her advice at the cemetery would raise a red flag or two as well, but doesn’t regret it. Even though she’s only been a part of this little family a few months she’d never have thrown Reid to the wolves in order to protect her own classified background. And even though she’s pretty certain Hotch no longer believes she came off a desk job, this isn’t the right time for the team to learn of her real field experience. If there ever is a right time to learn your teammate is actually an ex-CIA undercover operative aka spy. Her eyes meet his briefly then drift down to Reid currently using his lap as a pillow, still making the distressing whimpers, only louder and more regular, reminding him without words that he has other priorities to consider right now. Hotch’s expression barely changes, but she does detect a micro-expression of doubt flash across his features, telling her he’s got the message and agrees. Hotch says nothing more, but his silence only leaves her with the feeling that the subject’s not dropped, merely postponed until a more suitable time. Aaron Hotchner is a careful guy. He notes everything and builds up a case, keeping all his cards close to his chest until he’s ready to play them, just like any brilliant prosecutor would. This is her friendly warning that he knows something._ _ _ _

____Emily should realise by now she can’t hide anything from a profiler, so taking that on board she stores the new information she’s learnt about him and the lengths he’ll go to protect his team in the back of her mind, ready to play the game again at later date. Thankfully Morgan appears before the silence between them stretches too far, preventing any awkwardness. Dropping into his seat, plopping down yet another bottle of water and a couple of aspirin along with a damp towel onto the table in front of him he doesn’t even blink at Hotch still cuddling Reid, which raises more questions about Morgan than it answers quite truthfully._ _ _ _

____“What?” He says to her curious look. “You think I grew up in a house with three women and didn’t learn a thing or two about being a nurse maid?”_ _ _ _

____As poor a joke as it is, his affronted tone lightens the mood considerably._ _ _ _

____“I do not want to think about you in a nurse or a maid’s outfit.” Hotch deadpans, proving to the contrary what he claimed back at the Hankel house, he certainly does have a sense of humour - it’s dry and dusty, but it’s there._ _ _ _

____Hotch takes the wet cloth from Morgan with a rare smile and places it over Reid’s hot forehead, leaving the water and aspirin on the table ready for when he wakes up. The small whimpers he’s been making in his sleep quieten and they wait, hoping that whatever demons are invading his peace pass by quickly._ _ _ _

____“So,” Emily breathes out casually, breaking the tense silence, “what’s the plan?”_ _ _ _

____“Plan?” Hotch echoes._ _ _ _

____“The team,” she catches his and Morgan’s look of confusion and internally sighs, “we were forced to watch someone we care about be tortured right in front of us,” she reflects sadly, thinking back on the recording Hankel broadcasted to them. “We need a plan otherwise everyone is going to fall apart.”_ _ _ _

____“Can I be the first?” A soft voice interrupts._ _ _ _

____“JJ” Emily turns to see her standing at Morgan’s side, looking worse than any of them, having been dealing with this the least well since discovering Reid missing a little over seventy two hours ago and hell, just thinking of that length of time makes her own chest ache._ _ _ _

____“I’m fine,” JJ nods, looking completely not fine, “really.”_ _ _ _

____Her eyes fall on Reid._ _ _ _

____“He’s okay.” Hotch assures her, seemingly unaware of the hand he runs comfortingly over Reid’s back as he says this._ _ _ _

____It’s a relative word and Emily can see Hotch means ‘okay’ as in ‘not dead’, not lost to them, because that’s what JJ’s fearing right now above all else._ _ _ _

____“We’ll be landing soon,” He deflects again when the combined glare of JJ, her and Morgan becomes too much._ _ _ _

____And as if it were fate the seat belt lights blink to life at that very moment, signally them to take their seats. Morgan laughs as he helps Hotch with Reid’s seatbelt before doing his own. JJ returns to her seat next to Garcia, hiding her tears and Gideon sits up, gaze not even travelling in their direction, which she finds more than a little odd. The mood is different to usual, as it has been all flight, but then the whole case has been different and again Hotch looks down at Reid still sleeping somewhat peacefully as the plane begins it decent._ _ _ _

____“Plan,” Emily whispers humorously, sitting back, trying not to think too much about what fresh trauma the next few days will bring._ _ _ _

____Normally when they left a town after a case they were leaving the victims and their families behind to deal with the fallout alone. It’s what allows them to do their job day after day, case after case and get on with their own lives without too much guilt, knowing they’d done their best no matter the outcome. This time it’s different. This time Reid is the victim, the team his family and they couldn’t just leave his trauma behind. So, like it or not Reid will eventually experience that same fallout like all the victims they’d dealt with before him and unfortunately he'll be talking them all along for the ride._ _ _ _

____._ _ _ _

____The jet taxis into Washington just as the sun begins to peak over the horizon. Hotch waits for the others to leave before trying to wake Reid, who even after being manoeuvred back into his seat and with all the noise of landing, doesn’t stir. Giving him a shake he looks slightly confused when he finally wakes, but he pulls it together enough to sit up and gaze lazily around the empty cabin._ _ _ _

____“What happened?” The poor kid asks sounding unsure that he really wants to know._ _ _ _

____Hotch is pretty certain the tell-tale trace of tears presenting as tightness on his cheeks will clue him in soon enough, not to mention he's just woken up on his boss's lap, and remains silent as he encourages Reid to stand, ushering him down the belly of the plane. By the time they reach the exit he’s pretty much a walking zombie and Hotch is grateful to find Morgan waiting, ready and willing to help guide him down the stairs. The SUV’s are already on the tarmac and everyone says their quick good byes, following Hotch’s orders to go straight home instead of the office for debriefing._ _ _ _

____“He going to hospital?” Morgan wants to know the second Reid’s seated and belted in the back of their SUV._ _ _ _

____Hotch glances into the back seat. In the still near all-consuming darkness of the early February morning he sees Reid staring at his tightly clasped hands resting in his lap. He looks tense despite the weariness evident in his drawn features and though he’s more lucid than he was on the jet he’s by no means okay._ _ _ _

____“No, I’ll text Haley, tell her to expect us both.” Hotch settles with himself pulling out his cell, “I’ll take him in tomorrow before we debrief to get checked out.”_ _ _ _

____“You sure?” Morgan asks, sounding relieved by his decision._ _ _ _

____Hotch nods firmly, typing out the message. “He’s been through enough already. The doctor cleared him for major injury and I don’t know about you, but I’m not up to another fight tonight.”_ _ _ _

____“With you there man,” Morgan nods with a weary grin, acknowledging how Reid always makes a difficult patient. “I’ll drive you home, pick you both up in a few hours.”_ _ _ _

____Derek climbs into the SUV driver’s seat without waiting for argument, not that Hotch would have given him one. He’s beyond exhausted, and frankly has no problem using the FBI car to take him and his team home. After this case they were definitely owed the leeway._ _ _ _

____“Right,” Hotch agrees absently, climbing in the front passenger seat after shutting the rear door on an oblivious Reid._ _ _ _

____Time to go home._ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me, thats all the updating I'm doing tonight, will catch up with it again next week ttfn!


	6. Chapter 6

Its dark, the shed is fifthly, smells of rotten flesh and burning fish permeate the air. There’s dried mud on the floor where someone, or several someone’s have come and gone, but what he notices most is the cold, the freezing unrelenting bone chilling cold. The damp icy air soaks through to his skin causing the vibration in his muscles from adrenaline to increase tenfold. Panic wells up, water drips from the ceiling through the slats, yet the fish smell remains as strong as ever. He snaps his head around, hears the team’s shouting, calling his name, but he can’t move, it’s no use he already sees the blood staining the floor, too much, too much blood. 

They’re too late.

“Aaron?”

Eye’s snapping opening, jumping forward in his chair Hotch bites back the scream that threatens to come to life on his lips the second he recognises the hand on his arm as belonging to his wife.

“I brought you coffee,” Haley says kneeling down in her bathrobe, clasping her warm hand over his cold one.

Hotch wipes his face with the other. “I was dreaming,” 

He’s still lost in the dream, in the shed where he found Spencer’s body, throat cut like the others, bathed in blood.

“Morgan’s here.” Haley nods outside before telling him she’s going to get dressed.

Hotch is already dressed, he’d never changed. After bringing Reid inside and getting him settled in their guest bedroom it became clear that even after spending over five hours without leaving his side it didn’t make up for the seventy-two he was missing. Taking a second to breath, glancing at the sleeping kid in the bed he guesses he’ll have to leave him alone eventually and decides now while he’s sleeping, not in danger or at risk is as good a time as any.

Exiting his front door however he’s ill-prepared for the bright sunny day which greets him.

“Pretty Boy ready?” Morgan, eyes hidden by dark glasses, pulls the black SUV up on the Hotchner’s driveway once Aaron opens the gate.

“Not up yet,” He excuses approaching the open car window.

“He tell you anything yet?” Derek asks quietly after a too long pause.

Arms folded and resting on the rim Hotch leans into the car. “He’s not been coherent enough to make much sense,” and by ‘not coherent’ he means nightmares. Thinking back on the last few hours he wonders exactly how much to tell Morgan, “hopefully the hospital will help. Strauss has already called me demanding I hand in my full report by this afternoon.”

“Well she doesn’t waste time.”

Hotch nods in weary acknowledgement. In a perfect world they’d be able to push all the bad away and get on with their jobs as if none of the last few days had ever happened. No debriefs, no reprimands, no investigations into how an FBI agent ended up kidnapped by the killer they were sent to find… but this isn’t a perfect world and their team know that better than anyone.

“Just wish I knew exactly what to put in it.”

“Yeah,” Morgan agrees dismissively, holding back any comments he wants to make regarding their lack of information and Strauss. “Look we need to talk.” He continues sombrely climbing out of the van.

“Gideon?” Hotch guesses from just his tone, facing them away from the bright midday sun and walking towards the house.

Morgan nods, “Garcia called me, apparently Gideon’s filed for emergency leave and had it approved, he’s gone to his cabin for a few days.”

His tone says exactly what Morgan thinks of that and truthfully Hotch isn’t impressed either. After disembarking the jet Jason had left in the other SUV with JJ, Garcia and Emily. While he didn’t begrudge him going home he’s getting increasingly concerned over his sudden abandonment of Reid to his care. Yesterday he hoped he was wrong and that his actions were just a shock reaction to the trauma, but with no contact overnight and no response to his text this morning Hotch is becoming increasingly concerned that this is going to be another Boston. Back at Hankel’s house he’d been the one losing it with worry, Gideon had seen and told him with all confidence that Reid was strong, he’d make it. Then things changed. Tobias murdered Reid. Or one of his personalities did in reaction to Gideon shutting down the video feed. Tobias brought him back, but by then it was too late for Gideon. He was already blaming himself for not predicting the violent reaction of Charles Hankel, just like he blamed himself for what happened in Boston. 

What Hotch fears most now is, like he already warned Morgan in the hospital - as Prentiss had warned him - that Spencer will interpret any upset in themselves for letting this happen as disappointment in _him _and considering Reid’s already been stripped of the few defences he has Hotch doesn’t think he’ll will understand Gideon’s distance as anything else.__

__“Aaron,” Haley calls from the house, cutting swiftly through his thoughts “Spencer’s awake.”_ _

__“This stays between us,” Hotch orders Morgan quietly as he runs back inside, hoping Gideon will come to his senses on his own and be back before anyone else finds out._ _

__.._ _

__Reid wakes, sun shining through thin curtains bringing him to semi-awareness. Squinting towards the light he finds it strange that it’s the sun waking him up because he’s pretty sure his bedroom faces north. While debating that oddity his confusion escalates when he rolls over and discovers his bed has shrunk, it suddenly being barely wide enough for one person. Not that he has any overnight guests, not the kind Morgan does on a regular basis, but he still owns a bigger bed than this. Reid’s eyes open fully then, and sitting up with a quick scan of the brightly decorated, sparsely furnished unfamiliar room he finally comes to the conclusion he isn’t in his apartment._ _

__Climbing out of the strange bed without recognising his surroundings fear escalates his heart rate, that is until he exits the room and, walking slowly down steep carpeted stairs careful not to put too much pressure on his bruised ankle, he comes in full view of a familiar family living room. Unfocused gaze directed toward the sole occupant his mind clicks on to where he’s ended up._ _

__“Spencer,” Haley smiles up at him from the sofa. “Aaron’s just outside I’ll go fetch him.”_ _

__Watching her leave Reid hovers nervously on the sub landing near the bottom of the staircase feeling very self-conscious, more so than usual which isn't surprising considering he’s in his boss’s home, wearing night clothes out of his go-bag which he doesn’t remember changing into._ _

__“Reid,” Hotch comes running inside moments later followed by Morgan, both still looking like neither of them have slept in the last three days, “You okay?”_ _

__He doesn’t know what to say. Okay is a rather relative term at the moment. He’s disorientated, has no memory of how he got here and the last memory he does have doesn’t bare thinking about because it involves the jet, lots of crying and a damp patch on Hotch’s shirt. Wiping away the ghost of those tears Reid debates on exactly how to answer._ _

__“I’m confused.” He eventually announces shyly, gaze flicking from Hotch stood in front of him to Morgan hanging back, leaning in the doorway._ _

__“That’s okay,” Hotch takes his arm and carefully helps him down the last few steps. “You’re things are still in the bathroom. You can have a coffee, get dressed then we’ll take you to the hospital.”_ _

__Reid’s brain may still be foggy, but he catches the word he doesn’t like. Looking between the two men staring at him expectantly he briefly wonders how Haley feels about her husband bringing his work home with him before declining coffee and quickly excusing himself, hopping his way awkwardly back up the stairs._ _

__.._ _

__Agreeing to shelve the conversation for later, Morgan follows Hotch’s jog into the house. Reid’s standing on the stairs looking completely lost and seeing Hotch approach him like a skittish animal Morgan follows his lead and hangs back. He listens as Hotch explains what’s happening and Morgan takes the opportunity to simply observe. The kid’s visibly shaking and he knows Hotch sees it too by the gentle way he offers his hand, taking his arm in the end and encouraging him to walk down the stairs all the while talking softly to him, like he would a victim. Which of course he is, Reid _is _a victim and as much as he hates the idea so are they to an extent.___ _

____Standing in front of Hotch drowned in his own too big clothes, Reid looks small and way, way too young. Eight years too young in fact. Even now after four years with the bureau, three as an official member of the BAU Reid’s still five years younger than the average FBI graduate, Eight years too young to even _be _a profiler. Yeah he’s a genius, a child prodigy and fell into the same category as the sixteen year old hired by NASA, but to Morgan none of that makes up for the life experiences he’s missed and is still missing out on by being pushed to achieve faster than his peers, beyond what would ordinarily be allowed. He bets Gideon is kicking himself for even thinking he could bring a kid into the BAU and protect him from the cruelty of the job, for convincing others to make the exception despite there being damn good reasons for the minimum age limit and experience rules. Like a light bulb going off behind his eyes, with a flick of a switch suddenly the self-loathing and isolating behaviour makes a little more sense. Gideon recruited Reid into the BAU, he pulled the strings allowing him into the academy two years before he was old enough, in essence he allowed this to happen. Reid being kidnapped and hurt is all Gideon’s fault, or at least that’s the way Morgan knows the legend that is SSA Jason Gideon is seeing it right now.___ _ _ _

______He’s shaken out of this revelation when Reid suddenly spins on the stairs ignoring his bruised ankle and runs off._ _ _ _ _ _

______“What was that about?” He asks in surprise, approaching Hotch’s side._ _ _ _ _ _

______Hotch looks back at him sadly, “I wish I knew.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______.._ _ _ _ _ _

______Reid runs the best he can with only one good foot upstairs to the Hotchner’s bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind him. He erratically scans the small room, there on the side as promised are his clothes, the ones he came home in washed, dried and folded on the counter. The ones he’d been wearing originally having been bagged as evidence back at the hospital, because despite Tobias Hankel being dead things still had to be processed, just like any crime. Spencer panics for a second seeing his go bag on the floor next to the shower, open and unzipped. He rifles through it frantically, checking the pockets, then remembers the inner compartment sown into the lining. Pulling out the two glass vials, untouched, undiscovered, he breathes a sigh of relief. He doesn’t know why he took them from the scene. He doesn’t know why when asked to change into a hospital gown he’d chosen to stash them in his bag instead of handing them over to the doctors. He supposes he just doesn’t want the others finding out what he’d let Tobias do to him, and he still doesn’t, even though deep down he knows they’d never judge him. A small part of him worries Hotch will decide he’s too young for the team after all, but again that’s stupid because they’re going to find out sooner or later anyway, if not from blood tests the hospital is sure to run then the track marks on his arms are a definite give away. Plus he can’t lie in his report, can he?_ _ _ _ _ _

______Reid lets out a long suffering sigh. He doesn’t know what to do, telling the truth now might well signal the end of everything he’s been a part of for the last four years. That’s his whole adult life! To think the supportive family he’s always wanted can be taken away all because of one mistake is heart-breaking. He never let it happen with his mother, he’d been a good kid, learned to feed himself, cleaned the house, washed their clothes, always on time for school and even did extra work for teachers so they’d never question why his mother never came to parent days after his father left, or be concerned he was being abused or neglected in anyway when he showed up with a burn from the cooker or bruised from falling off a chair because he just wasn’t quite tall enough._ _ _ _ _ _

______A sob erupts without warning and Reid, flashing back to last night on the jet clamps both hands over his mouth to prevent drawing any attention from either Morgan or Hotch who he’s sure are probably camping out on the landing to ensure he’s okay._ _ _ _ _ _

______‘You’re okay. You can do this.’ He chants silently to himself. Nobody needs to know what really happened in that shed, it’ll be his secret. He’s good at keeping those after all._ _ _ _ _ _

______.._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Reid shake a leg will ya, I don’t want to spend all day in the hospital.” Morgan jokes as he climbs the stairs in Hotch’s house after too long a time with no sound from Reid._ _ _ _ _ _

______Truthfully he doesn’t give a damn if it takes all day to run whatever tests they need to, all he cares about is Reid getting through this and the debriefing so they can move forward and put Tobias Hankel behind them as soon as possible._ _ _ _ _ _

______Just as Morgan pokes his nose into a bedroom Reid appears in the hallway, shutting the bathroom door behind him. “There you are kid.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yeah,” Reid smiles tightly, a hint of restlessness in his voice, “Here I am.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Morgan frowns as he passes him to head down stairs actively avoiding eye contact, he wants to reach out, touch his shoulder, do something, but keeps his hands fixed to his side, knowing very well that it’s going to take time. Reid will be okay if they just give him time._ _ _ _ _ _


	7. Chapter 7

In the hospital Reid feels… exposed… is the best descriptor he can think of while sitting with his bare butt on a hospital gurney, nothing except a paper thin gown covering him from the front, waiting for the torture to begin. Hotch is outside the door talking quietly to Morgan. He told them both to leave, that he’d be fine, but the looks exchanged suggest they think he’s kidding himself so Reid doesn’t push it. He’s feeling anxious enough without adding extra crap to the list. His skin is crawling despite the shower he took this morning and his body aches, bone deep. Normally that wouldn’t bother him so much, but today, right at this moment it’s extremely frustrating. You’d think given his history he’d be used to feeling like a walking, talking punch bag, but it’s been a while since someone took their angry out on him, the protection of the team having kept bullies away. Maybe that’s why he feels so wrong now. The team hadn’t been able to protect him from the bully that was Charles Hankel. But then again, it’s damn hard to protect someone from a ghost.

“We all ready?” 

A perky voice calls his attention to the other person suddenly in the room. He has no idea when they arrived or how, but the women wearing pink scrubs now standing before him surprises him. Her fixed smile is clearly a front to hide her obvious anxiety about talking to him. She must have been warned of his situation, for lack of a better word. Probably expects him to jump out of his skin at every sudden movement or cry … oh wait, he did that already. 

Yesterday is still a blur, but Reid vividly remembers shouting at the nurse, kicking over the tray with the needle on it and telling everyone in very colourful language to leave him the hell alone, including Gideon and Morgan. Gideon left, he’d not really seen him since, but Morgan refused. He’d glared him down and told him to behave or else. That particular memory brought a flush to his cheeks. Morgan who is here now, even after the mouthful he’d given him. Thankfully he hadn’t lost it with Hotch yet, only cried on him, but Hotch couldn’t possibility hate him for that? Could he?

Well today is different. Today he will get through without breaking down or embarrassing himself. Then maybe everyone can take their eyes off him, without fearing he’ll break any second.

_You know they won’t ___

__“What?” Reid questions the nurse, panicked by her words._ _

__“I’m sorry?” The young woman looks up from the clipboard she’s scribbling on._ _

__“What you said…”_ _

__“Oh, I asked if you have any allergies before I start the work up, I need to take blood.”_ _

__“I’m allergic to beta latums” Reid says absently. “Blood work?” He questions, voice high pitched clearly worried._ _

__“Reid, everything okay?” Morgan is in the room immediately, must have been listening and heard the change in his tone._ _

__“I’m fine” he snaps – so much for keeping it together. He turns back to the nurse. “Is blood work really necessary?”_ _

__Reid tries very hard to ignore Morgan completely since he knows he won’t be as easily fooled._ _

__“It’s standard in a work up.” The nurse looks confused and anxious, her glaze intentionally flicking to Morgan for assistance who immediately complies._ _

__“Reid what’s wrong?”_ _

__“Nothing, I just don’t see the need for unnecessary tests, there are many less invasive ways of checking basic health.”_ _

__“Hey, hey,” Morgan is suddenly in his space, sitting down next to him on the bed. “Calm down, no one’s going to make do something you don’t want.”_ _

__Reid feels exposed again, very aware of the air traveling up the dress he is essentially wearing. With Morgan so close he feels even more vulnerable, less in control. Unconsciously he scratches over the large band aid he’s placed over the needle marks in the crock of his right elbow._ _

__“What is that?” Morgan picks up on the action straight away and Reid closes his eyes in frustration wondering how he could be so stupid as to draw attention to it like that._ _

__“I was cut, the doctor last night put that there, it’s nothing.” Reid dismisses quickly, the lie already formed and ready in case anyone asked such a question._ _

__“I should take a look.” The nurse’s hands are already reaching out and Spencer yanks his arm out of her grasp._ _

__“No, I said its fine, and I don’t need blood tests either.” He shouts, voice carrying out into the corridor._ _

__“What’s going on?” Hotch asks, cell phone in hand clicking shut like he cut the call short to come running into them._ _

__Without realising it Reid takes a breath and another and another until although he’s aware he’s hyperventilating there’s nothing he can do to stop it._ _

__“Reid, breath,” Hotch is in front of him of now holding his hand, Morgan still sitting at his side rubbing his back._ _

__He can’t, he just can’t, blood tests means they’ll find the drugs in his system, means they’ll tell Hotch, he’ll know and they’ll all know what he’s done, what he let Tobias do. Thoughts drift to the vials in his bag, hidden, his secret, they couldn’t know how weak he was, how he wishes he didn’t have to feel this way, how he wishes he could do it again – drift, disappear, forget - it would be better._ _

__“Reid come on man,” Morgan again._ _

__Hotch is also telling him to breath, to calm down and Reid wants to disappear; this is not how he planned this._ _

__“I want to go home.” He manages in between stuttered breaths._ _

__It sounds pitiful but he doesn’t care anymore, he doesn’t care that they probably won’t be leaving him alone anytime soon, he just doesn’t want the tests, he doesn’t want them to know._ _

__.._ _

__Hotch hears the plea, like a smack to his soul he nearly falls back with the force. But before he ends up sitting on the hospital floor, holding Reid’s hand as he loses himself in his panic, Hotch turns his own worryfilled gaze on Morgan who looks equally as concerned, eyes glassy, lips pulled tight._ _

__“Reid, hey pretty boy look at me.” Morgan commands soft and hushed, lifting Reid’s chin with his hand._ _

__Hotch lets him take control because right now he’s lost, lost in emotion, lost in sadness and strangely has an overwhelming need to see Jack right now._ _

__“That’s better,” Morgan says when Reid’s teary eyes pull away to settle on his. “Now we need you to let the doctors check you over to make sure you really are okay.”_ _

__“But...”_ _

__“We’ll start small, blood pressure that sort of thing and work up to the rest. I’m going to be with you the whole time, if you don’t like anything we’ll stop okay?”_ _

__“Okay,” Reid breaths, nodding._ _

__He’s calmed and Hotch straightens, but doesn’t let go of his hand. He gives the nurse looking an uncertain nod and Morgan relaxes next to Reid on the bed as he instructs her to start with blood pressure. Seeing everything’s going fine, Hotch releases his hand, but as he does so Reid turns to him and asks a question._ _

__“Where’s Gideon?”_ _

__It’s an innocent question, no hint of concern or worry just curiosity, because of course he’d expect Gideon to be here, they all would. But he’s not. He’s in his cabin feeling sorry for himself. Hotch can feel Morgan’s heavy gaze settle on him while Reid’s looking up at him open and expectant. He’s not often lost for words, but he’s also never wanted to lie so badly in his life._ _

__“I’m going to call him now.” Is what he settles on._ _

__It’s the truth, he is going to call, he’s going to call and leave a very succinct message for Gideon to get back to DC ASAP. With that he nods and leaves the room before any other questions he doesn’t want to answer can be asked._ _

__.._ _

__“Right hop off the scales,” the cheery nurse instructs._ _

__“What’s the verdict?” Morgan asks glibly._ _

__It makes Reid crack a smile, likely because he knows why he’s asking._ _

__“155 lbs,” she makes a grumbling sound, eyeing him slyly. “That’s quite underweight considering your height.”_ _

__“Man I could throw you across the room without breaking a sweat.” Morgan smiles a little too cheerily at the thought._ _

__“I won’t” he assures the concerned looking nurse who upon hearing his reassurance immediately matches his flirtatious smile._ _

__Hotch appears at the door, the nurse sees his look and tracks it._ _

__“How about we take a short break while I fill these out and I’ll be right back?”_ _

__Morgan mouths a thank you at her and she smiles again as she leaves, clipboard in hand._ _

__“Hey Pretty boy, what say l fetch us a coffee?”_ _

__Reid nods, nonplussed, whether he noticed the silent conversation is unclear, ever since his minor panic attack Reid’s barely spoken, nothing beyond answering a few mundane questions at any rate and then only with either a yes or a no. Morgan pats his knee and nods pleasingly anyway, joining Hotch in the corridor making sure to pull the door shut behind him so Reid can’t see them talking._ _

__“What’s up?”_ _

__Hotch’s expression is serious. “Gideon’s not answering his cell,”_ _

__“You surprised?” Morgan laughs humourlessly._ _

__“No, but I am going to drive out there.”_ _

__Morgan sees the determination in his gaze but wonders what’s motivating him, he’s never seen Hotch so disjointed and out of sorts before._ _

__“You think that’s a good idea?” He asks carefully._ _

__“You don’t?”_ _

__“I think Gideon’s made his choice on how to deal with this. Reid needs you here.”_ _

__“He doesn’t need his boss hanging over his shoulder. You’re good with him Morgan, you’ll be fine.”_ _

__True, Reid’s the little brother he’s always wanted and after growing up with two older sisters he’s longed for someone to look up to him, play ball with and teach fun stuff too. Now playing ball may be a learning curve for Reid, but there’s still time for that, he’s still his little brother, perfectly guidable. But bottom line; Morgan is not his dad._ _

__“I am and I will,” he doesn’t deny Hotch’s assertion, “But he needs _you _, not as his boss Hotch, you know that, he needs you to tell him everything’s going to be okay.”___ _

____“Gideon-”_ _ _ _

____“Reid gave YOU the clue to save him not Gideon, he trusted _you _. Now he’s holding it together in there,” Morgan, face stern, points back into the room, “but it won’t be long before he realises Gideon isn’t coming and it’s a day’s drive out to that place, you disappear on him now too and he really is going to start thinking we’re abandoning him. We’re all the family he has to depend on Hotch, you can’t do that to the kid, he’s been through enough already.”___ _ _ _

______There’s moments silence between them before Hotch pockets his car keys and nods._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re right.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Morgan grins. “Damn straight.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Don’t get cocky.” He warns, putting his cell away too._ _ _ _ _ _

______Morgan tells him where he’s going and Hotch decides to go wait with Reid, they will get through this- together._ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed these 2 new chapters, thanks for reading, more soon! Ttfn


	8. Chapter 8

The three agents step off the elevator and enter the BAU with practiced ease. It’s gone 3pm on a Sunday so of course it’s fairly empty. They know Strauss is in, having already called Hotch twice on the way over demanding to know where her report is, making it very clear if she was giving up her weekend they weren't having the day off either. As they pass through the bullpen Reid heads for his desk, but Morgan's hands on his shoulders guide him away and up the stairs, following closely behind Hotch. He opens his mouth to ask, but ever since his lie to the nurse - and by proxy Morgan - about the plaster on his arm he hasn’t been able to say much of anything.

“You can write up your report in here while I meet with Strauss.” Hotch tells him with formality, switching on the lights and opening the blinds revealing the dark thunder clouds forming in the distance.

Taking solice in the fact the bright sunny day has turned to reflect his mood Reid nods, gingerly seating himself on the small couch in the corner of Hotch's office. Looking around with what feels like new eyes he notices something, a few somethings actually. Though the space isn't small it's definitely homely, the mute colour's soft and warm much like a well loved family living room. A mixture of books sitting on the dark wooden shelves point to an eclectic reading taste, though most are work related, and the trophies on the high shelf speak to a personality geared to achieve, yet unwilling to make his success a focus, like their display is meant only for him. There's pictures on the walls, not professionally important ones meant to impress, they're personal, his family; wife, son, even brother and sister if he's reading the faces right on the third picture from the left by the door. 

"Reid?!"

"Huh?" Reid snaps his head around.

“You sure you’re okay? You realise you don’t have to do this now.” Hotch is hovering by the wide open door, white knuckled grip on the outside handle.

Staring back at him Reid thinks he's looking oddly nervous, the uneasy gaze making it clear he isn't happy about something. Mind whirling through the possibilities Spencer settles on the most obvious cause. Him. And believing Hotch is nervous because he thinks being alone is making _him _nervous, Reid tries to rectify that.__

__“I want to.” He forces the small words out, voice quiet. “I don’t want it hanging over me, I need to come back to work.”_ _

__“Reid,” Hotch walks back across the room, leaving Morgan looking pained in the doorway, and crouches down in front of him. "Even if we ignore the doctor's advice, which we're certainly not," his eyes narrow briefly, "you need to be cleared by a bureau psychiatrist first.”_ _

__Reid winces, Hotch is talking to him like he's a child and he doesn’t know how to feel about that. He guesses he should be embarrassed, should man up and demand to be treated like any other FBI agent on the team. However, no matter how hard he may try to deny it, that small part of him which has never really grown up enjoys the soft approach too much not to respond positively to it, and he's betting Hotch knows that._ _

__“I know.” Reid ducks his head. “Does that mean you’re going on cases without me?”_ _

__He hadn’t wanted to ask the question, but his fears drive him to it. If he’s going to be left alone for the next week he needs to prepare for that and at the moment he isn’t sure how to._ _

__Hotch pulls a face Reid doesn’t know how to interpret, “We’re all on temporary leave.” He says gently, “The team has to be cleared by a psychiatrist first too.”_ _

__“Because of me?” he blurts, eyes going wide._ _

__“Because of Hankel,” Hotch corrects. “Now, are you going to be okay alone?”_ _

__Reid blinks, then realises Hotch means while he talks to Strauss not in general, which is a much easier question to answer._ _

__“Yeah I’ll be fine.” He nods, meaning it._ _

__“I won’t be gone long I promise.” Hotch taps his knee and stands, leaving Reid to stare forlornly at the blank sheet of paper before him._ _

__.._ _

__

__“Garcia?”_ _

__“Sir!” Penelope spins in her chair. “How’s my baby genius?”_ _

__Hotch enters her office and shuts the door, smiling at the nickname. “He’s okay, he’s in my office.” Then he drops the smile, looking serious once more “I need you to do something for me.”_ _

__“Anything,” she immediately turns to her computers, fingers splayed over the keyboard ready to type._ _

__“It’s not that simple.” He winces, knowing he’s putting her in a difficult position, but he doesn’t have anyone else he trusts enough to ask. “What I need doesn’t exactly comply with standard FBI procedures. In fact Strauss will not be pleased.”_ _

__She stares at him, mouth open, looking perplexed before something settles on her face. “Sir, in case you haven’t noticed," she smiles eyeing up her uniquely decorated surroundings, "noncompliance is my speciality.”_ _

__.._ _

__Morgan's walking back toward his desk with a fresh coffee in hand all set to resume writing up his report when he finds JJ sitting in his chair._ _

__"Hey you alright?" He circles her, leaning against the opposite desk._ _

__She's staring at the floor, hands in her lap holding a wad of crumpled tissues. If he had to guess he'd swear she'd been crying._ _

__"I don't think I should be the one your asking." JJ answers without looking up, pulling one tissue from the pile to dab her eyes._ _

__"He's fine." Morgan sinks into the nearest empty chair, "doctor at the hospital said he's got a hell of a bump on his head, some bruises, but thats it."_ _

__"That's it?" She asks, eyes wide in disbelief._ _

__"Kid's got a hard head." He mocks, sitting back and laughing._ _

__JJ let's a small smile loose on her lips, and a chuckle escapes. It fades quickly._ _

__"Have you seen his hands?"_ _

__"His hands?"_ _

__"The marks, they looked deep..."_ _

__Morgan nods, catching onto what she's describing. He's noticed the red raw skin encircling Reid's wrists like bracelets, is aware of the scars they might leave behind. Everytime Reid talks with his hands, like he so often does when explaining something he finds exciting, they'll see the marks and they'll remember, like a talisman for evil inflicted upon the innocent, they can never ever forget._ _

__"They're just bruises, they'll fade." He shrugs, restlessly kicking at her chair legs, avoiding eye contact._ _

__"What about the rest?"_ _

__"The rest?" Morgan throws one hand in the air in question and sits forward, "JJ what is really going on here?"_ _

__"Oh so now you want to know?" She snaps her head up, face hard._ _

__"What?"_ _

__"Look forget it," JJ tries to leave but Morgan grabs the corner of the desk, blocking her path._ _

__She falls back, dropping like a stone in water into her seat._ _

__"JJ-"_ _

__"No you were right," she breaths out, eyes accusing, hands hanging limping at her sides, "I need to figure this out for myself."_ _

__"Hey that's not fair!" Morgan shouts, "l had my own guilt going on, I couldn't deal with yours too!" He consciously lowers his voice even though they are essentially alone in the bullpen. "Back in that house, with the kid missing... I couldn't deal with anything else, I just wanted to find him."_ _

__Face softening JJ sits suddenly forward grabbing his clasped hands. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be such a bitch, I'm just....argh this is all so messed up! I hate myself, I could have stopped this, but one stupid decision and... it changes everything."_ _

__She'd started her tirade off strong, but disolved into silent tears by the end. Morgan, no longer frowning, slips his hands out of her grip and places both palms over hers._ _

__"He will be okay again." He stares her directly in the eye, making sure she gets he isn't talking just physically this time either._ _

__"How can you be so sure?" JJ asks weakly, sounding like she really really needs to to believe it._ _

__Luckily the answer comes easily to Morgan, "because it's Reid. "_ _

__._ _

__Stepping into the bullpen after a few hours at home unable to sleep isn't Emily's ideal way to spend a Sunday afternoon, but then she wouldn't recommend a Saturday night hanging out in an Atlanta ER either, so she's almost grateful for the call from JJ summoning her into the office for a debriefing. However, seeing her and Morgan sitting at his desk, looking to be in the middle of a pretty intense conversation Emily bypasses them and heads straight upstairs towards the conference room. Its as she's passing Hotch’s office that strange movement inside catches her eye._ _

__Knocking on the door she doesn't bother waiting for a response before walking in._ _

__“Hotch isn’t here.” A quiet dejected voice speaks from the couch._ _

__"I kind of figured that." She grins, eyeing up all the crumpled papers littering the floor, the ones she'd seen through the window flying across the room. "You know I bet Morgan could teach you... at least how to aim."_ _

__Reid's washed out gaze follows hers towards the waste paper can in the corner, surrounded by, but not containing any paper. Unfortunately his reply is drown out by the sudden and frantic tinny hits of rain pelting the windows. The storm that had been brewing all afternoon finally breaking. With the grey clouds giving the room a darker depressive glow Emily glances back to Reid looking lost sitting on the low sofa, notepad balanced on his knees, regularly chewed pen sticking out of his mouth and a question forms on her lips before dhe can stop it._ _

__"You okay?" Her tone's light but Emily can see from his glassy eyed frown he doesn't know why she bothers asking when the answer is so damn obvious. "Sorry," she creeps closer, perching on the edge of the couch. "We're just worried."_ _

__"I know," he sighs, tone as drab as the weather, gaze focused on his feet, "I don't blame you, especially after what happened on the jet."_ _

__Emily senses her eyebrows hitting her hairline and coughs, trying to cover her surprise at him even bringing it up. "You remember?"_ _

__Reid merely tips his head to the side inquisitively._ _

__"It's really not that bad." She tries to make him feel better._ _

__"I had a complete mental-freaking-breakdown -" He wafts both hands out, nearly impaling her with his pen when he accidentally throws it accross the room. " - in front of everyone!"_ _

__Emily ignores the uncharacteristic outburst. And the pen._ _

__"After what you went through its understandable to be overly emotional." She shrugs in the face of his wide eyed glare._ _

__Her understanding isn’t welcomed however. Spencer falls back into the couch cushions, folding into himself. Drawing both legs up and under his butt, all without relinquishing his hold on the notepad.  
"No it isnt! I'm supposed to be an FBI Agent, you wouldn't be saying that to Hotch or to Gideon."_ _

__"Reid its not the same." Emilt reaches out, patting his shaking hands._ _

__"Yeah well I still feel like an idiot." He whines, arms crossed, lip out._ _

__She shakes her head, "We all know you're not."_ _

__"Hotch is talking to me like I'm ten." ._ _

__"He's worried about you." She rebuffs._ _

__"Morgan’s being nice."_ _

__Emily looks blank, pretending to think, before placing an affronted look on her face. "Oh yeah, you're right, that's awful..."_ _

__They both manage a laugh over that one._ _

__"I know they care," he starts after they settle, the ghost of a smile still on his lips, "but sometimes I feel like the annoying little brother they're all obligated to protect. I mean I know I'm the youngest, but JJ's only a few years older than me and everyone treats her like an equal?"_ _

__He'd started out quite timid, but by the time he finishes Reid's face is flush and his hands are shaking again. Prentiss blinks, only just getting he's actually asking her a question. She tips her head and looks at him, really looks. What she sees is nothing but fear, doubt and confusion..._ _

__"Reid," she taps his chin for attention, "while you were missing no one could sleep, JJ was a mess, Morgan punched a door, we could all read Hotch like an open book and Garcia went through at least three cubicals of toilet paper at the hospital - I'm pretty sure she used up a whole mascara crying over you."_ _

__"I'm sorry-"_ _

__"That's just it you don't have to be sorry. There's no obligation. You are and likely always will be the baby brother of this team, so don't you dare try and push us away."_ _

__"Us?" Reid latches onto her slip._ _

__Emily curses herself silently before letting loose another little grin, deciding despite her not being part of the team long he still deserves the truth. "You're hard not love, Dr Reid."_ _

__They share a wary smile over her words. Though still folded up, legs crossed on the couch Reid's looking a little more himself, obviously embarrassed, probably still scared even though he’s managing a better job at hiding it, but he's smiling and Emily sees that as a win. Now, thinking over how to introduce the idea that no one expects any particular behaviour from him, she retrieves the pen and handing it back stares at the blank pages on his lap._ _

__“My report, I don’t know what to write.” Reid explains, completely bewildered._ _

__Prentiss isn’t though. "You know if it’s too soon it’s okay. No one expects you to recover from this overnight.”_ _

__“No I need to do it.” He snaps and Emily gives him a soft look. “I can do it. I just - don’t know where to start.”_ _

__“Look why don't you try telling it like a story, like a book you’d read, or maybe one Morgan would read,” he laughs lightly at her well meaning dig, “then you go back and add the tactical stuff later.”_ _

__“That’s not how we write reports.” Reid looks at her, voice still weak, but expression open._ _

__Happy that he's finally listening Prentiss looks back and sighs gently, giving his knee a quick squeeze in support. “Maybe it’s how you should write this one.”_ _

__.._ _

__Rain stopped, Reid leaves Hotch’s office intending to get some fresh air by fetching a street vendor coffee. Writing the report is making him nauseous and frankly the last thing he wants is to be discovered throwing up in the FBI’s bathroom, that would be the icing on his embarrassment layered cake. And it isn't even really the report that's the problem, using Emily’s idea he’s gotten past what he thought would be the hard part, detailing how he and JJ had split up, the circumstances under which he was taken, but now he’s at the _really _hard part. He can’t lie. Yet he also doesn't want to write it down for all to see, to know his weakness. Reid may be naïve sometimes but he isn’t stupid, even with his lack of social graces he knows Strauss won’t allow him to continue in the BAU if she finds out what really happened to him. Even without the drugs there’s still a possibility she’ll decide to move him to a less dangerous position, somewhere where his talent for reading 20,000 words a minute and eidetic memory could be used to full advantage. Though he really does enjoy a good paper trail he doesn't want to spend his life doing it. That report is his death warrant.___ _

____Still deep in thought he's just heading out the double glass doors towards the elevator when someone grabs his arm._ _ _ _

____“Spence,”_ _ _ _

____He hadn't meant to blank her this time, really hadn't seen her, but feeling the unexpected hold on his arm he jumps, knocking the files JJ's carrying to the floor._ _ _ _

____“Sorry, I’m sorry,” Reid apologises shakily, dropping to the floor to help her pick them up._ _ _ _

____"No I'm sorry I shouldn't have scared you like that, I" she pauses in her fumbling and takes a breath, "I'm an idiot."_ _ _ _

____"Its okay," Reid shrugs, feeling the heavy thumping inside his chest slowing._ _ _ _

____The corridor is empty accept for them, which is a good thing considering their basically sitting in the middle of it._ _ _ _

____"No it isn't, I just..."_ _ _ _

____Her words drift off, but Reid thinks he knows what she's trying to say, "JJ I'm not avoiding you."_ _ _ _

____"You're not?" She asks, much less confidently than he's used to._ _ _ _

____"No," he stresses, voice breaking, "I just don't want to upset you, any of you, you all seem so sad when you look at me I don't want to disappoint everyone by not be 'okay'."_ _ _ _

____He's staring at floor, but this time when JJ moves toward him he does see and accepts the hug willingly._ _ _ _

____"You can never disappoint us Spence, you hear?" JJ pulls away, wiping her eyes._ _ _ _

____He nods even though he knows it's a lie, the vials stashed in his go bag will most certainly disappoint everyone, but to try and make the moment a little less awkward he points to the files still littering the floor and starts piling them up._ _ _ _

____"New case?"_ _ _ _

____"Not exactly," JJ grimaces, "I'm passing them onto other teams."_ _ _ _

____She doesn't need to explain why. As he collects the last one several photos spill out. Crime scene photos. Reid freezes._ _ _ _

____JJ doesn’t notice, she carries on talking over his suddenly restricted breathing. He squeezes his eyes shut, tries to erase the images from his mind but it doesn't work. The walls close in, chest tight, a buzzing begins in his right ear nearly sending him off balance. Giving up the fight Reid jumps up and flys down the corridor. He can hear JJ calling after him but has no time to answer. He makes it into the bathroom stall, falling to his knees just in time to bring up the coffee Morgan brought him earlier and the slice of toast Hotch forced him to eat before leaving for the hospital._ _ _ _

____Sickness abated, Reid sweaty and exhausted slumps back against the open plywood stall door. Heaving, chest aching from the strain of chucking up next to nothing after three days as hostage to a certifiable madman he achieves barely a seconds peace before the sound of the main bathroom door opening startles him.  
Without warning Reid's thrust back inside his mind to places he doesn't want to go, reliving his nightmare of being cuffed to a chair, beaten into submission and forced into a harrowing game of Russian roulette - the cornfield, the shed, Tobias- as Charles Hankel, as Raphael - he smells the burning fish hearts, feels the wooden banton impact his foot. Squeezng his eyes tight against what he knows to be false, tears breach his eyelids, running over hot cheeks once again. He'd made on idiot out of himself on the jet last night, again with Hotch early this morning, at the hospital this afternoon and here now, on the floor of the mens room of the FBI Quantico of all places. _ _ _ _

____“Reid?”_ _ _ _

____The voice is deep._ _ _ _

____“Reid, come on Pretty boy,”_ _ _ _

____The voice is tense._ _ _ _

____“Kid answer me!"_ _ _ _

____The voice is scared._ _ _ _

____“That’s it I’m getting Hotch and you’re going back to the hospital.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m fine.” The words burst forth, eyes springing open._ _ _ _

____Forcing himself off the floor on shaky legs Reid makes it to the sink, managing to splash water over his face. Staring at his reflection in the mirror he sees the sunken eyes, flushed cheeks and desolate expression. He doesn’t look fine, he is _not _fine. He starts to laugh.___ _ _ _

______“Something funny?” Morgan’s tone is like ice, his fear turning into anger pretty quickly._ _ _ _ _ _

______Reid understands, everyone’s going to be angry with him soon._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No,” Spencer’s damn breaks again, the laughter stopping as quickly as it started and an unexpected sob taking its place, coming out after the damning word._ _ _ _ _ _

______Hands fly up immediately to cover his face. He doesn’t want Morgan to see, but Morgan does see and Morgan being Morgan does exactly as Spencer expects when somebody is openly crying in front of him. He steps up and hugs him. Spencer doesn’t fight it, he hugs back. He doesn’t want to let go._ _ _ _ _ _

______.._ _ _ _ _ _

______Morgan holds Reid until he calms down and then some, holding him for as long as the kid needs to feel stable again before moving him somewhere he can rest undisturbed._ _ _ _ _ _

______JJ meets up with him in the bullpen once he has him settled, “Is Reid okay?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“He’s lying down in Gideon’s office,” is Morgan’s non reply._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Where is Gideon?” Emily asks joining the group._ _ _ _ _ _

______“We can debrief without him I have his report.” Hotch answers coming from his own office and catching Morgan’s eye, before moving past them into the briefing room._ _ _ _ _ _

______They all follow, the woman looking puzzelled and quickly take their seats._ _ _ _ _ _

______“When you say him you mean Reid right?” Prentiss asks._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I have his report too.” Hotch says without looking up, focus on handing each agent's report back to them._ _ _ _ _ _

______Reaching out to take hers Emily frowns, sharing a look with JJ who also looks confused, but before either one can put voice to the question Garcia runs into the room shutting the door behind her._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Sorry I’m late.” She looks to Hotch, waits for his acknowledgment and nods._ _ _ _ _ _

______Morgan moves his gaze between them inquisitively but when neither enlightens the group he shelves it to ask Garcia about later._ _ _ _ _ _

______Hotch begins the debriefing, “let’s start with the first crime scene…”_ _ _ _ _ _

______They discuss the progress of the case, how they came to what conclusion, then finally it reaches the part Morgan is interested in learning the details to._ _ _ _ _ _

______JJ is talking, “I was looking through old police call outs and discovered there had been a report of a prowler around our first crime scene. That’s when you ordered Reid and I to follow up on the witness.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She falls silent realising too late how the words lay blame at Hotch’s feet._ _ _ _ _ _

______“What happened next?” Hotch asks calmly, not reacting to the change of atmosphere in the room._ _ _ _ _ _

______JJ glances around, swallowing convulsively before continuing with a slight stutter, “We arrived at the Hankel residence. Tobias denied making the report and then Reid figured out it was to measure response time of the police, he ran around the back and witnessed Tobias fleeing to the barn…”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“What happened next?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Hotch,” JJ pleads._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Continue.” He nods formally._ _ _ _ _ _

______“We split up.” JJ acknowledges reluctantly._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Reid’s report says you objected and suggested you stay together but he ran off to secure the back anyway.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______JJ looks surprised he wrote that._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Is that true?” Morgan asks._ _ _ _ _ _

______All he wants is to know the truth, how Reid was taken so they can ensure nothing like this ever happens again. Like he'd told her earlier it isn't sbout blame, at the house he simply hadn’t time to deal with her guilt, terrified that despite Reid’s often used ability to escape trouble by the skin of his teeth, this time Morgan feared it would be the one time that luck was not on his side._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yes,” JJ agrees nervously, “but I should have followed him, I knew splitting up was a bad idea and we did it anyway.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You had no cell signal?” Hotch keeps them moving._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No, but from our knowledge of the crimes we should have known the house had internet, we could have called for back-up inside.” JJ sighs. “We made a mistake.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Hotch nods seeming satisfied. Morgan is glad he doesn’t press the issue. He’s pretty sure JJ won’t make the same mistake again. Reid he’s not so sure about._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Let’s move on…”_ _ _ _ _ _

______.._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Reid,” Hotch nudges him awake. “Reid.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Huh?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Spencer shoots up from the chair, Hotch catching in time before he can fall forward to the floor._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Is it time for the debriefing?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Aaron had intended to wake him up earlier so he could discuss the incomplete report, but one look at the kid, tear stains on his cheeks even in sleep told him to leave well alone._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No, we used your report. Spencer, Morgan’s going to take you home.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Giving him no opportunity to question why they'd left him out of the debriefing he grabs their coats and helping him up escorts Reid out the door down to the team waiting for them by the elevators._ _ _ _ _ _

______"I'm okay taking the train," Reid replies around a yawn._ _ _ _ _ _

______Aaron doesn't reply, a slow close of his eyes and quick head shake as they walk out the double glass doors his only reaction to what has to be one of the stupidest things the genius has ever said._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Everything okay?" Morgan asks, eyeing Hotch._ _ _ _ _ _

______"I was just saying I could take the train home, I don't want to be a bother. " Reid repeats and knuckles his dark ringed eyes._ _ _ _ _ _

______Hotch's immediate face palm behind his back has the essembled group laughing._ _ _ _ _ _

______"What?" Reid looks from Emily to JJ, Morgan to Garcia before turning on Hotch with a blank look._ _ _ _ _ _

______Hotch stares back at Reid with a small smile of bewilderment. Luckily he and Morgan had discussed things prior to the debriefing and it was unanimous; Reid wasn’t to be alone - for a few days at least. Hotch would have had him at his place, but Morgan suggested that Reid would likely recover quicker if he could stay at his own apartment so volunteered to stay with him._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Nothing doing kid," Morgan takes him by the shoulder, guiding him out._ _ _ _ _ _

______Everyone follows, their steps noticeably lighter. Hotch hangs back a moment, looking at Spencer, at Derek, JJ, Emily and Penelope, worried gaze instinctually travelling back to settle on Reid the second he steps forward, joining them on the elevator._ _ _ _ _ _

______He really wants to believe the worse is over. He needs to. For everyone's sake._ _ _ _ _ _


	9. Chapter 9

Reid enters the bullpen early for his first day officially back at work. He feels uneasy. It's Valentine’s day and as expected when he gets to his desk there on top on his in tray is the customary brightly coloured envelope decorated with sparkly bits and glitter, 'Spencer' emblazoned on the front in deep purple ink.

“Wow,” Emily gasps seeing him handling the envelope with all the care and attention of a bomb disposal expert, “that’s something.”

Reid nods, smiles but remains silent.

“You’ve got one too.” Derek comes up behind her, very closely so his voice is in her ear.

“What?” she jumps.

Laughing Morgan holds up his own decorated envelope, different to Reid’s, but still identifiable as from the same person.

“Under your purse” Reid offers politely.

Emily rifles under where she'd dumped her things and pulls out a yellow envelope. Glitter and sparkles covering the front, her name written in cursive with the same purple pen. 

“Oooh, Garcia." The answer dawns on her finally.

“Baby girl went all out this year.” Morgan grins.

“Sure did my little chickadees,” Penelope smiles her way into the bullpen making her way over to Reid with impressive speed.

He sees her coming, knows what’s about to happen and braces himself.

“Thanks Garcia, it’s-“ he doesn’t get to finish, the rest of his sentence is pushed out of him in a gush of air as she practical picks him up out of his chair and hugs him.

“Welcome back! We’ve missed you sooo much.”

He loves Garcia, truly, but can't help but notice there's been a definate shift in their relationship since recent events. She was the first member of the team, outside of Hotch and Gideon of course, to learn about his mother and she surprised him by not only keeping his secret, but also not forcing him to talk about it. It was after that case Reid realised there's something uniquely calming about talking to Penelope. He sensed she understood him in ways others simply couldn't. Like during the Nathan Harris case. After confessing to once feeling the same denial as Mrs Harris over his mom's condition she'd kissed her fingers and placed them to his forehead, a very maternal yet subtle gesture. He'd appreciated it because he sensed what she had really wanted to do in that moment was grab him and hug him and plant that kiss on him herself, but held back because she knew he wouldn't want that. Her quiet acceptance of him, of his fears, is what encouraged him to go against his instincts and open up, be willing to share more of himself with her in the future.

There is no such restraint happening now though. Last week when she along with Emily met him outside the hospital Garcia had grabbed him, sobbing, which made him cry too, but then he couldn't blame that on her, he cried a lot that night. Garcia's always been more demonstrative than most people, but since then, since his kidnapping she’s been extra handsy, like an aunt at a family reunion. Only the reunion is dragging on, looking to never end. He doesn’t mind it. Much. He just has to remember not to instinctively flinch away everytime she's in reaching distance, but then he only tends to do that when strangers try to touch him and Penelope definitely isn’t a stranger. Neither is Hotch or Gideon, Morgan or JJ for that matter. In fact the FBI shrink he's seeing to get his clearance back for field work has suggested he try and take something positive from his kidnapping experience, so Reid has decided to take that. He’s learning to except hugs from friends. Whoo. Unfortunately Garcia had so far taken that acceptance to mean each and every time she sets eyes on him, which since the entire team are grounded still is happening a lot, though Morgan assures him it will only last until things go back to normal, meaning work, cases and of course - time.

“Hey baby girl let our boy breath.” Morgan laughs and pulls her away.

Hearing the words ‘our boy’ has Reid hitching a breath. Tobias’ father had kept calling him 'boy'. Each and every time he hears Spence or Pretty boy or kid out of one of his friends mouths now he finds himself analysing the meaning, wondering how and when the names he was so used to at school changed from freak and braincase and geek to terms of affection instead of aversion. By having his mind opened to see this now seems like an especially cruel joke. Whereas before Tobias he’d been aware that his team accepted him, liked him even despite his oddities, he still kept them at arms length, afraid if he let the immature, less developed side of his personality show then maybe being a genius wouldn't be enough for them to want to keep him around. Now it's like his own mind is trying to hurt him, make him see what he's soon going to lose, make him feel the pain of that loss so clearly it'll destroy him even before they discover the truth.

“Reid?” Emily’s concerned voice breaks through his thoughts.

He looks up quizzically.

“You alright there kid?” Morgan’s crouched beside him, trying to look none conspicuous and not draw attention despite the odd position. 

Reid blinks, he doesn’t know when that happened. “I’m fine.”

“You zoned out, like you couldn’t hear us.” Emily points out.

That's the thing about profilers, they miss nothing and when they know they're onto something, like a dog with a bone they're unwilling to let go until they have their answers. Privacy and secrets are foreign concepts in the BAU, no matter what anyone claims.

“I’m sorry.” He says honestly. It's all he can think to say. “What were you saying?”

“Hotch wants us all in the conference room.” JJ announces walking above them on the gangway, not noticing what she's interrupted.

“Well I was saying how great it is to get our boy genius back.” Garcia gushes. “But I guess celebrations will have to wait.”

Reid swallows in relief, partly because finally he isn’t the main focus of attention and a case means it'll hopefully remain that way for a while.

.

“You think he’s ready?” Hotch asks Gideon, watching the team from the briefing room windows.

Getting no instant response Hotch turns and looks around to find Gideon staring at a folder.

“What?”

“Reid, I’m worried it’s too soon for him." Hotch steps away when he sees the team making their way up the stairs. "Morgan called last night, said he had another absence seizure."

Reid hadn’t put up much of fight over Morgan staying with him for a few days. That alone worried Hotch, but when he visited his apartment Monday evening he hadn’t expected to be told Reid had experienced a seizure. Not the same as the one he suffered in the shed, the one a result of being knocked to the floor which lead to cardiac arrest. This seizure was apparently normal for someone with a minor head injury like Reid’s. He'd not seen the live version like Gideon, only on the recording they’d taken from Hankel’s computer, the one only Hotch had watched in full after Garcia burned it to disk for him, before loading the original into a sealed and locked file only ever to be accessible by her or himself from the FBI’s main database down in the basement. 

“He’ll be fine. Getting back to work is what Reid needs."

"Jason, putting asside any emotional issues, he suffered a serious head injury a week ago and is still suffering symptoms." Hotch can't quite believe what he's hearing.

"I thought the hospital said he was fine?" Gideon voice strained, finally takes his gaze away from the folder. 

"They said he was lucky-"

"And these seizures, they're normal for someone with a head trauma likes Reid's?"

Hotch huffs, eyes rolling, "Yes, but -"

"Look," Gideon smiles, lips thinning into a curl, "It’s mid-week, assuming he's cleared for field work soon we won’t be back out on cases until Monday at the earliest, that’s enough to time to get settled back in.” Gideon dismisses, completely ignoring his point.

"And if he's not ready?" Hotch pins him with a hard glare.

"He will be." Gideon nods, keeping the smile, turning his full attention back to the open file.

Hotch opens his mouth to refute, something he should have done before they got to this stage, but the team walks in and though they’re not in the field yet it doesn’t stop them consulting on cases, so as soon as seats are taken it's back work as usual. Watching Spencer shyly take his, the others trying but failing not to make it obvious their worried about him, Hotch just hopes Gideon's right. For everyone's sake.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter centres around season 2 ep 16 fear and loathing. Warning for actual drug use in this chapter, but only as graphic as the tv show.

Fear and Loathing

They’re in the briefing room, a new case, their first in the field since Georgia. Hotch is talking. Spencer hears him say ‘bodies discovered in a wooded area’ and his gaze moves directly to the crime scene photos lying out in the middle of the table, but his mind, his mind takes him back to the cornfield. He feels the punch to his face as if it only just happened and flinches with the imagined impact. Blinking, shaking off the memory he tunes back into the briefing. Or tries to. Reid fidgets in his seat, the others are talking around him, fast, too fast to join in, offer an idea, to add his voice to the discussion-

His inner voice urges him to speak up, to say something. _Just tell them! ___

__Tell them what? That he lied to the shrink? That he told her exactly what she wanted to hear, what he knew would get him field clearance sooner. No, he can’t tell them that, for the same reason he can’t tell them why he didn’t want his blood to be tested at the hospital. Or why he has two vials of Dilaudid still stashed in his go bag._ _

__Hotch plays them a recording of something, a reverend? He doesn’t know, can’t focus. Now he’s shifting in his seat again, touches his face, his hair, can’t keep still and this time Reid darts a glance to see if anyone has noticed. They haven’t. He forces himself to settle, hand to his mouth, giving up on listening and speaking he’s putting all his concentration into staying silent, for if he does open his mouth it won’t be anything but a scream coming out._ _

__Prentiss asks about Neo-Nazi’s and JJ’s saying something about the Major. Reid’s gaze travels back to the pictures, his eyes see Sandra Davies lying dead in the leaves – in his mind he sees himself._ _

__......_ _

__Leaving for the Jet Hotch catches Morgan’s arm before he steps out the briefing room and nods to his office. Walking in facing the windows Derek braces himself._ _

__“I’ve noticed.” Morgan pre-empts the question he knows Hotch is going to ask the minute his door is shut. “But it isn’t unexpected, it’s his first case out in the field he’s bound to be nervous.”_ _

__“I know,” Hotch nods. “I’m just concerned.”_ _

__“Yeah,” Morgan sighs, “me too, but the shrink cleared him.”_ _

__“Yes. She did.”_ _

__They stare at one another in silence._ _

__“Look let’s cut the bull, you and I both know Reid has enough experience with psyche doctors, not to mention that 187 IQ, he could easily lie to get the clearance he wants.” Morgan speaks plainly, waiting patiently for Hotch’s response._ _

__There’s a seconds hesitation where the glare slips and Morgan swears he sees something close to panic in Hotch’s gaze._ _

__“But would he?”_ _

__“You’re asking me?” Derek points to himself, because quite frankly he doesn’t understand half of what's going on here. “Hotch, come on man, you know him as well as I do. Reid would never put the team at risk if he thought he’d be a liability.”_ _

__"But he would tell a shrink whatever was necessary to get what he wants if he thought he was okay." Hotch counters._ _

__There’s a fine line between thinking something and truly knowing it. Reid’s a good kid at heart, but impulsive. The Fisher King case where he nearly blew himself up being a prime example of how wrong a genius’ judgement can be sometimes. Morgan sighs, hoping this isn’t yet another case of the kid’s poor judgement, because it’ll only end in tears and they’ve all had enough of those in the past week._ _

__“Has he had another seizure since last Monday?” Hotch moves around his desk, grabbing his go bag._ _

__Morgan uses the time while hus bavk is turn to think on his answer. “No, not that I’m aware of, he zones out now and again, is having trouble concentrating like we just saw in there," he points toward the briefing room "but…”_ _

__“But?”_ _

__“Hotch I’ve not seen him outside of the office since he came back to work. His request." Morgan eyes Hotch, gaze glass full with regret, "I wanted to give him his space, but seeing him now, I‘m not sure if we’ve given him too much.”_ _

__A pained expression crosses Hotch’s face and Morgan wonders if he’s having similar guilty thoughts. They share another moment of heavy silence where the only sounds in the room come from the shallow breathing of its troubled occupants._ _

__Hotch's features settle first and he takes a step forward. “Look I realise we’re on a case and I have no right to ask this of you-”_ _

__“I’ll keep an eye on him,” Derek straightens, answering before he can ask, “I've got his back don’t worry about it, seriously.”_ _

__Hotch’s face loses some of its tension. “I’ll try.”_ _

__._ _

__On the Jet going out the low hum of the engines warming up, coupled with the hushed talking of his team around him helps Spencer relax. JJ settles into the seat across from him and he’s grateful for the company. The last time he found himself sitting here was not a good memory, not his worst, but certainly in his top ten of ‘embarrassing moments he’d rather forget’ and above all he’d really prefer not to be alone with his thoughts right now. Breathing a little too shallow and quick still Reid has to resist drawing his knees up and wrapping his arms around himself in a self-soothing position. That would certainly signal to everyone how not fine he is on his first trip out. JJ seems not to realise anything’s wrong, or at least is willingly ignoring his discomfort, so intent on keeping things that way he opts to avoid anyone’s gaze by staring out at the runway as it moves by at an ever increasing speed. Unfortunately, hypnotised by the blurring scenery and deafened by the jets engines engaging in take-off he’s soon where he didn’t want to be - lost deep inside his own head._ _

__“Hey, hey kid… you with us?”_ _

__“Huh?” Reid answers, focusing his blurred vision on Morgan standing over him before turning away to look out the window again. “We’re in the air already?” He asks abruptly when all he sees is white fluffy clouds and blue sky._ _

__“Yeah, for at least fifteen minutes,” Emily answers across and to the right of him, Reid turns to look at her in time to see her catching Morgan’s eye, “you okay?”_ _

__Reid instinctually frowns at her, is she kidding? She can’t ask him that, not now, doesn’t she know he hates lying to them! He looks around to see if Hotch or Gideon heard her ask that, but thankfully both are in deep discussion at the other end of the jet._ _

__“Kid, you better answer us.” Morgan issues him a low warning, crouching down at his side so they're mere inches apart._ _

__Reid immediately sinks lower in his seat at the tone. With a mind that has cloud coverage thicker and denser than the iceberg which sank the Titanic he can’t process any ulterior motives right now, but he knows they have one. Why else are they insisting on asking questions he doesn’t want to answer? He does see Prentiss’ eyebrows raise, eyes directed to her right where Hotch happens to be sitting, so far paying their interacton no mind. Still kneeling next him Morgan’s features remain impassive, yet his eyes give away more concern than Reid’s seen directed at him in a long while, and considering the events of past few weeks that’s saying something._ _

__Pursing his lips, he forms the wrong words in his head before reluctantly giving them life. "I’m fine.”_ _

__He nods succinctly, standing up and pushing between them both heading for the rest room._ _

__Shutting the door and locking it behind him Reid sinks onto the closed lid, head in hands taking several deep shuddering breaths. He’s trapped in a conundrum of lies he can never escape. And he can never tell them the truth. Why? Because the truth will bury him. Just like Raphael tried to do. They can ask, Morgan can glare, JJ can pretend but he can never tell them he isn’t fine. Never tell them how he’d let Tobias drug him, never tell them he actually wished for it near the end, despite still having hope Hotch had understood his message, hope that the team would find him in time, before he was placed in the ground, surrounded by leaves, his body on display for his family to discover._ _

__Jumping up and running the tap Reid frantically splashes cold water over his face to wash away any trace of fear or doubt that’s lingering on his overly expressive face. They’ll be passing New York in a few minutes and if he doesn’t want Morgan or Prentiss talking to Hotch about him then he needs to get back out there, it’s time to focus on the case._ _

__......._ _

__Hours later, with Tania the girl who sent the note cleared, enough information to label their unsub a serial killer with a specific type and no reported missing’s since Sandra Davies Hotch orders the team to the hotel to rest for the evening, ready to start fresh again tomorrow._ _

__“Hey Reid you coming?” Emily calls to him in the hotel corridor, having already dumped her things in her room ready to go eat._ _

__“W-where?” Reid frowns as he’s trying to get into his own room, using his key card without success._ _

__“Here,” Morgan appears and takes the card from him, inserting and getting a green light on his first try._ _

__“Dinner,” Prentiss laughs as Morgan opens the door with a Cheshire-cat grin, but sobers quickly upon catching Reid's look of despair, “Hey you okay?”_ _

__“I’m fine.” He snaps without looking at her, throwing his bag onto the bed and quickly turning on all the lights. “Why wouldn’t I be?”_ _

__“Okay,” Emily watches him from the corridor, sharing a look of concern with Morgan who’s leaning with fake nonchalance against the door frame._ _

__“I’m not hungry” Reid says to them after a minute of frowning at the standard small hotel bathroom. “I’ll see you all in the morning.”_ _

__He walks over and practically pushes them out, shutting his door with a firm ‘goodnight’ leaving the pair looking sad and worried in the hallway._ _

__“Where’s Reid?” JJ asks turning the corner coming from her own room._ _

__“He’s not coming.” Emily breathes out, defeated._ _

__“He needs to eat.” JJ sighs._ _

__Morgan raises his fist ready to bang on the door, but Emily stops him._ _

__“Morgan,” she shakes her head, feeling the same way but knowing they need to give him space._ _

__Morgan looks at her in weary acknowledgement and drops his hand back to his side. “Yeah okay,”_ _

__“We’ll bring him back a cookie or something.” She promises as the three walk away, trying to lighten the mood._ _

__Morgan nods, but she can see he already has his cell up to his ear and Emily would bet her last dollar she knows who he’s calling._ _

__“Hotch,” a slight pause, “Yeah, we may have a problem.”_ _

__._ _

__Behind his door Reid swears he can hear Morgan and Emily frowning, but doesn’t care. He’s been feeling sick all day and the last thing he needs is to eat anything. Actually the last thing he needs is to be alone right now, especially after what happened in the bathroom earlier. But knowing what’s best and doing it aren't ever as easy as anyone thinks. In fact their damn right mutually exclusive sometimes. Back against the door he hears JJ’s voice join the mix and wills them all away._ _

___‘They’re not leaving you they know, they know what you did.’ ____ _

____The voice pushes him over the edge into the small bathroom where he finally empties what little is actually in his stomach. Once done, like at the station earlier Reid looks in the mirror and does not like what he sees. He’s shaking, sweating, tears filling up ready to spill over in pained desperation. The image of the girls in the photos, their bodies lying in the leaves won’t leave his mind and he breaks into a sob. It hurts his chest. He hates that he knows, physically knows the fear and pain they experienced right before their lives were choked out of them. Though he’d requested to see Tobias' recording so he could understand, see his fear and pain the way an outsider would, the way he's used to experiencing it, Hotch had outright refused to let him to watch the tape. Despite the drugs coursing through him he remembers suffocating on the floor, body contracting uncontrollably, unable to draw in any air until finally, he passed out. Only he didn’t pass out did he, he died, was actually dead for longer than anyone cares to admit._ _ _ _

____Coming back to the present, leaning against a hotel sink and staring at his drawn reflection in a water streaked mirror Reid realises he is hungry. Starving even now that the nausea has been abated by his throwing up, but he can’t stop the shaking and knows until he gets himself under control he has to avoid spending time with his team. They already suspect something isn’t right, he can’t risk them discovering his secret now, not after this long. He’s not been sleeping, which isn’t helping his mental state one bit. He needs to sleep, then the shaking and the nausea will stop._ _ _ _

_____’There’s another way’ ____ _ _ _

______No! He screams to the voice inside his head, the one that tormented him those first few nights after being rescued. But then again, if he doesn’t sleep tonight, what then? He needs to be better, to do his job he needs it all to go away._ _ _ _ _ _

_______‘It makes it better.’ ____ _ _ _ _ _

________Tobias’ words echo inside his mind now and Reid knows what he has to do. It’s the only way, the only way it will stop. It’ll help him sleep, help him do his job and most importantly stop his team from finding out. That's why he's doing this after all. To keep his family. Frantically running out the bathroom and emptying his messenger bag onto the bed Reid grabs the vials before they roll off, ripping open a fresh needle he’d taken from an allergy kit he fills it and doing just as Tobias showed him using his belt as a tourniquet plunges the needle into the crook of his arm. Within seconds Reid slips to the hotel room floor, leaning heavily against the end of the bed letting the drugs flow through his veins the same way the tears trail down his cheeks. He doesn’t feel good, not by a long shot, but he has achieved his goal. Finally, finally he can sleep._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The next morning is busy. Everyone vacates their rooms early, making their way back to the station to continue working towards the profile ready to present and before Hotch realises it its already midday._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Where’s Reid?” He calls upon finding Morgan alone in the stations small briefing area._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They’ve all been edgy with his whereabouts of late. He was hoping the fear would naturally abate the longer they were out in the field, once everything was back to normal, but having only seen him briefly on the way in this morning, then once more at the pre-profile meeting walking back into the now near empty police station and not seeing him anywhere put his fatherly instincts on high alert._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Bathroom,” Morgan says despondently without looking away from the TV where Reverend Williams is making yet another impassioned speech intended to spur hate throughout the suburbs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Hotch frowns at his tone. “What’s wrong?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Morgan looks at him as if he’s crazy, “You’re kidding right?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“No,” Hotch glares back at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Hotch the kid’s hurting.” Morgan snaps. “Have you noticed he’s still not carrying his gun?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“That’s his choice, there’s plenty of work to do here at the station until he feels ready…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“And what if he never feels ready? Hell he’s shot more serial killers in the last two years than I have in my whole time as a cop and he’s still just a kid.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Hotch takes a step closer, invading his personal space and keeping his tone low. “He’s also an FBI agent. What’s your point?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“My point?” Morgan scoffs, “My point is the kid can barely pass his qualification, we basically hand deliver him to our unsub, one of the most sadistic we’ve ever had, and in the end he has to save himself.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Where is this coming from?” Hotch demands, avoiding correcting him on exactly who sent the kid where for now, not understanding how his asking where Reid is has led to this out of left field argument._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Holding his head in his hands Morgan steps back, creating distance._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Man I don’t know. This case, these kids, smart good kids are walking right into the unsubs trap and…” hands dropping uselessly to his sides Derek looks him dead in the eye. “After we give the profile I need to get out of here for a while, do something other than wait for the next body to show up.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Ignoring the fact Morgan obviously believes they have little hope in finding the latest victim alive Hotch nods his consent, understanding the real issue at play. Reid is a good kid. Reid walked right into the hands of Tobias Hankel having no idea what trouble he was getting into and it was only by sheer luck that he didn’t end up just like those girls, lying dead in the leaves. The parallels here are probably too much for their first case back as a team, the only way it could be closer would be if the victims were skinny white boys, but then that’s just semantics. Although it’s likely any case they take will have aspects which will in some way remind them of what happened to Reid, this one is certainly high up there for being a little too close for comfort._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Do whatever you need.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________.._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________On the jet home Reid has a different problem than he did while working the case, now he can’t seem to stay awake. Morgan catches him in a moment of drowsy disorientation and instead of brushing it off he reacts, snapping irritably at one of the few people who actually could possible help him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Hey talk to me, whatever you say to me in confidence is between us you know that right.” Morgan tells him calmly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I don’t have anything to tell you.” Reid refutes, knows he sounds bratty and hates himself for it but the irritability he’s feeling just won’t go away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________In a very big brother move, Morgan leans forward and talks seriously. “Reid, listen to me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Reid knows that tone. That’s the 'I know you’re being a brat because you’re hurting' tone, 'now let me tell you why you’re being silly kid'. And he does, and Morgan's words make sense. He doesn’t mean to snap at them. He knows they don’t expect him to be perfect, in fact he’s grateful for being treated normally at all. They could easily go super overprotective on him and smother him, but instead they’re being kind yet cautious. He’s incredibly lucky to have them…. And that's when the realisation hits him, and it hits hard. His secret is going to tear them apart, they'll never trust him again, and that's only if they even let him stay in their lives. He'll lose his job for sure. Hotch won't want him in his house ever again, Gideon won't want to play chess. The idea that this may be one of the last times Morgan ever _wants _to be his big brother makes Reid finally open up, needing to know how it feels at least once to choose to be vulnerable in front of his friends instead of having it forced upon him.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________His voice cracks, the tears close to falling as he tells Morgan about knowing how the girls felt, right before they died. He tells him about not being able to focus, to do his job, because maybe Morgan will have a better solution to the one he used last night. He can’t do that on a case again, he can’t. For their sake as much as his._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“So what do I do?” he asks desperately._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You use it. Let it make you a better profiler, a better person.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________A better person. Reid repeats to himself and the words echo in his mind. Morgan makes it sound so simple. It isn’t his fault though, Morgan doesn’t know, not yet. If he knew he’d be disappointed. They all would. 'A better person.' The words are bouncing around his head now, tormenting him. How can he be better? Especially now. It’s too late, he thought he’d feel better and he did - temporally, after he slept he could focus again, wasn’t freaking out as much, able to think clearly again. It helped. A better person. Reid screws his eyes shut. Oh god he just wants it to stop, ‘please just let it stop.’_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set around season 2's Distress, some dialogue comes from the episode   
> dis: i do not and never have own any aspect of Criminal Minds. :( sniff.

Distress

On the Jet the team are making their way to Denver. The atmosphere on board isn’t as tense as their last case, but to Hotch something still feels off. There’s a slight niggling in the back of his mind like an itch he can’t scratch, only in this case it’s the cause of the itch which is annoying him the most. The past few days haven’t been so bad, since Westchester the team has rebuilt and regrouped; mostly thanks to the consistent badgering of Prentiss and her insistence that they needed to spend some quality non-work related time together. Morgan was first to join her band wagon and then it only took Garcia reminding the rest of them how their last night out had ended, having been rudely interrupted by the very case which caused the solemn atmosphere threatening to swallow them whole in the first place and that was that. Next thing he knew Hotch was in a bar, trying very hard not to laugh as Morgan attempted to convince Gideon to be his wingman, since Reid had already adamantly refused to move from his corner of their table.

Hotch’s small smile from recalling those events fades to be replaced with his sadly much more common these days, frown. Reid had persevered the night as always, but having been watching him closely, a little closer than he normally would perhaps, it definitely seemed to Hotch like he was trying very hard to look like he was having fun. Everyone knows he’s never been exactly comfortable socialising in large groups, but he’s normally quite happy so long as they’re around and he’s never had to pretend otherwise with them. That night though he was pretending and he was hiding something too, but like his discomfort with the unease surrounding the jet, the reason why is what’s completely eluding him.

“You okay?”

Hotch blinks out of his concentrated stare, eyes unintentionally flicking over to Reid before refocusing on Gideon in the seat nearest him. “Fine.” 

“You sure?” 

Recognising the light tone as digging rather than honest enquiry Hotch nods, offering a small smile for appearances sake before moving them along, “We should start discussing the case.”

“Of course.”  
He draws the attention of the group, ensuring everyone’s up to speed all the while trying to ignore that stubborn itch which is still making itself known in the back of his mind. There’s some talk surrounding methodology before, checking the time Hotch reins them in to issue individual tasks ready for when they land.

“I’ll map out the area and see if I can find any places the victims would have visited in the neighbourhood.” Reid tells them immediately after Gideon announces he’s taking Morgan to the newest crime scene.

Prentiss nods. “Good maybe we can find a connection between them, I’ll help you with that.”

Hotch sees the sudden shift in Reid’s expression before the irritated words make it out of his mouth.

“I can handle it.” 

The atmosphere immediately alters, the temperature inside the cabin plummeting from his tone alone and Morgan’s head lifts, looking from Reid to Prentiss, quietly taking note of the situation just like Hotch himself is currently doing.

Emily pauses, holding Reid’s gaze she appears to study him before carefully responding “wasn’t suggesting that you couldn’t.”

“Isn’t that what ‘I’ll help you with it’ means?” Spencer snaps in instant retort, giving no such thought to his own words.

“Reid,” everyone turns to him, instinctually recognising the tone, but Hotch waits for the one he called out by name to look his way, “Prentiss will help you with the geographical profile and victimology.”

Their gazes lock for a second before Reid’s drops away, brushing the clear reprimand off with an immaturely raised brow and angrily muttered ‘fine’. Hotch holds his own glare in place however, his patience paying off when he catches the quick dart of Reid’s eyes back to his, a predictable reaction of the insecure. Spencer quickly looks away again, a faint pink hue to his cheeks after realising Hotch expected that very move from him. Hotch isn’t sure if it’s a reaction to being snubbed once again by Gideon, or simply him being stubborn for some reason, but either way the bad attitude will not be tolerated and Hotch is determined to make certain he understands that. Satisfied for now that his warning message has been received he turns back to address the rest of the team.

“Remember this is a high crime area be vigilant, nobody goes anywhere alone,” Stern glare still in place Hotch looks pointedly back to Reid whose gaze is still fixed to the notepad on his lap and silently communicates to everyone else whom he especially doesn’t want being left alone on this case.

Nobody seems surprised, leading Hotch to believe they’ve also picked up on the odd behaviour of their youngest. If anything the confirmation sets Hotch’s mind at rest that he’s not overacting thanks to recent events. Profilers they may be, but that doesn’t preclude them from irrational thoughts just like everyone else, especially where the wellbeing of someone close to them is concerned. Across from him Prentiss catches his eye, holding the same serious expression as she did flying back from Georgia three weeks ago. She’s concerned too, he can tell, has been ever since Reid returned to the unit. Though she hasn’t come to him yet he knows she’s annoyed with the lack of mention they’ve been doing in regards to Reid’s kidnapping. After the debriefing it’s like the subject has become almost taboo within the team, not a conscious decision, but one they’ve all adopted as a coping mechanism. Hotch is aware Morgan’s spoken to Reid a few times and he’s tried to keep a close eye on him without being suffocating, the way it needs to be, because despite really wanting to hold Reid’s hand throughout all of this Hotch knows he can’t. His time with Hankel is something Spencer has to come to terms with on his own if he’s to continue being an Agent and its knowing the truth of that which is hurting Hotch the most right now. 

As for the bad attitude of late, what can he say? He doesn’t like talking to Reid like a disobedient child, but having just mouthed off at Prentiss he’s leaving him very little choice. Hotch is well aware it’s not the first time he’s had to toe the line between boss and parental figure where Spencer’s concerned, unsurprising considering their age difference and similar backgrounds, but it is the first time Reid’s not responded positively to a reprimand. He doesn’t expect cartwheels, but usually Reid’s smart enough to recognise why he’s being chastised and does his best to rectify it. The insolent, bordering on juvenile snubbing going on recently is completely out of character for him. In fact this recent attitude change period is completely unexpected from everything Hotch knows of the genuinely sweet and considerate young man he’s gotten to know over the past four years. Reid’s performed a complete 180, going from the uncharacteristic, yet given recent events not wholly unexpected, meek and withdrawn child to the outlandish rude and snappish teenager and it has him greatly concerned. Hotch understands there’s going to be ups and downs before he finds his feet again, but this sudden flip isn’t normal. Since their last case he’s been all over the place emotionally, late to meetings, constantly preoccupied and unfocused, the fact Reid has no idea he’s was talking specifically about him just now suggests there’s more going on in his head than usual. Hotch only wishes he’d open up and share what’s bothering him. He fears it’s the only way they’ll be able to help and if there’s one thing Hotch is sure of it’s that Reid needs their help. Now more than ever.

Sensing his carefully constructed mask is about to slip with that heart-breaking thought Aaron quickly turns away from prying eyes. Focusing on a problem he can solve right now, which is the case.

…

Arriving at the station Hotch notices Reid’s attitude decline further and with it his resolve. With Morgan and Gideon touring the crime scenes he sets Reid and Prentiss on task, sending JJ out to introduce them to the local PD while he stands in the corner of the meeting room they’ve been given and simply observes. For the time he’s been in the room Reid has remained mostly silent, only whispering to himself, but his mannerisms - what in Reid’s case any behavioural specialist worth their salt would refer to as stims - are emphasized tenfold. Spencer’s hands are rarely ever still whether he’s thinking, talking, walking they’re in constant movement as is the rest of him. The running joke that he’s powered purely by sugar has merit since he’s often seen buzzing around the office like a four year on a candy high most of the time. Yet today his movements seem different. He can’t stop touching his face, his hair and they’re erratic too, like he’s not even aware of doing it. The only distraction from this devolution comes when JJ enters with a tray of cookies, that’s when Reid speaks out loud for the first time since beginning the geographical profile and surprise, surprise it’s to have a mini tantrum over the noise. 

“Well you better get used to it,” JJ scoffs, while also scoffing a homemade cookie.

“Yeah we saw it on the way in.” Emily picks up when Reid seems overly unimpressed.

Whether it’s a dig in retaliation for the scene on the jet or simply banter Hotch isn’t sure and he hates he’s questioning everything his team is doing now. Before he can think too hard about it Gideon and Morgan walk in, announcing how they think the unsub maybe homeless. Hotch flicks his gaze over at Reid, checking his reaction for one and filing away the rest of the issues he’s noticed to deal with later, putting his own focus back on the case where it needs to be right now.

Gideon approaches Reid’s map while the others, including the local detective on the case bat around ideas for motive. He suggests getting a list of names of ex-residents before looking at Prentiss and, obviously not seeing what occurred on the jet as a big deal, pairs her off with Reid to visit the homeless shelters.

“Yeah we’re on it,” Prentiss stands and looks directly at Reid. “Unless… you okay with that Reid?”

Hotch waits to see Reid’s reaction, more concerned than angry at this point.

The kid frowns, pretending he doesn’t have a clue why she’d ask. “I’m fine with that.”

Reid snatches his bag off the chair and follows Prentiss out in a huff. Hotch watches them go, only just resisting looking to the ceiling to pray for strength. Feeling a decade older he gives Morgan a task before turning back to the board and once again doing his best to focus on the case at hand, trusting Prentiss can look after herself and Reid until he can address things with him later.

 

…

“We need to talk.” 

Its hours later, they’re no closer to finding their unsub and Aaron turns around in the small windowless office he’s seconded himself in to think to discover Prentiss standing looking extremely agitated in the doorway.

“This about Reid?” He asks with resignation, leaning back against the desk, aware he’s losing all sense of formality between them.

"Something's wrong with him, really, really wrong." She says tossing her coat over the nearest chair, shoulders tense, ready for a fight she already seems to know either isn’t coming or can’t win.

"Care to be more specific?"

Emily sighs, pursing her lips in a way that reminds him of Haley, "Earlier today he terrified a shelter volunteer by telling her our unsub may well be in the room with us and when I challenged him about it he really didn’t seem to understand why what he said was wrong."

She continues with other examples of Reid’s poor judgment, her rigid stance and simmering tone saying exactly how she feels about his recent flip in behaviour, to the point he believes if Reid really was a child, he'd have found himself over her knee long before now. Despite the humorous imagery that thought unintentionally conjures Hotch feels himself frown out of concern anyway. He expected to hear how Reid had yet again taken his frustrations out on her, his attitude around the precinct is telling enough, but that’s all. He knows Prentiss can handle herself, it's the only reason he didn't challenge Gideon's decision to put Reid out in the field, but now he's taking his temper out on the public too? Hotch cannot let that go unaddressed.

"I'll deal with it," he assures, voice deep and stern.

She looks set to say more when a uniformed officer enters the room, telling them JJ has requested their assistance and just like that both of them put their professional masks back on. As usual shelving what’s hurting them personally for the sake of the case. 

....

It’s time. They know the who and finally now, they know the why too. Gideon's preparing to go back out with Morgan to track down their non-longer unsub and hopefully bring him in without a fight, most definitely alive. This is one of those rare times where Hotch is really routing for that outcome. 

"Reid should come too,” Gideon pulls on his jacket, "he'll appeal to Woodridge’s protective instincts better than us."

"You want to use him as bate?" 

Morgan's sudden outrage to what is obviously a correct assumption of Gideon's plan is what brings Hotch into the conversation.

"Jason," Hotch nudges his head indicating he'd prefer to speak privately, "sending Reid into the field isn't in anyone's best interests right now." He says once Gideon joins him in the corner of the room.

"We know this man does not want to kill. Reid-"

"Is not our Reid at the moment" Hotch cuts him off, frustrated at Jason’s complete ignorance of the situation.

"He's fine." 

"That's not what I'm seeing and that's not how he's behaving." Silence meets this declaration and Hotch can see by the hard stare being reflected back at him there will be no discussion. "Gideon, I don't pull rank often, but I'm doing it now, Spencer is not to leave this building unless it’s to board the jet home."

Hotch keeps his hard glare as Gideon simply shrugs noncommittally and leaves the room. 

"Was he serious?" Morgan appears in front of him, obviously having been listening.

Hotch is trying to recompose himself, feeling the strain more so than usual thanks to the uniqueness of this case and the home based drama; a combined entity capable of bringing him to his knees. He shrugs in answer, opens his mouth but has nothing to say so settles on patting Morgan’s arm in silent thanks for his support before leaving the room.

...

“Reid what are you working on?” Hotch walks into the briefing room with urgency.

Listening to Reid explain how their prime suspect probably found himself in his current state Hotch can't help but notice how he seems to identify with him and it softens his resolve. Up until now he’d only thought about the effect Reid’s attitude was having on them as a unit, shamefully it hadn’t crossed his mind exactly what it was doing to Reid himself. The kid’s lost, just like their unsub and no one understands how to help him.

“He’s reliving the worst moment of his life he must be terrified.” Hotch says wistfully walking away without actually giving Reid the task he intended.

Once out of view of the map, Reid, hell the entire office Hotch sighs and leans against the corridor wall, the kid’s look as he left lingering in his mind. This case is hurting them all, more than the last unbelievably and Hotch is beginning to question whether any of them are really ready to be out in the field what with Gideon still fully in denial, Prentiss taking to challenging rather than ignoring which seems to be JJ's tactic and then him, split focus between his team and case like always as is his job, only right now feeling totally incapable of retraining clarity over either one. Guilt is weighing on him too, guilt for pushing those buttons just now when he could see Reid was already deeply identifying with Roy Woodridge. His words as he left the office like a knife in the back, but the opportunity was right there and damn it he had to take it. It was the right thing to do. 

So why is he feeling so crappy about it?

‘Tough love you idiot!’ Hotch answers his own question with ease. 

Like Woodridge trapped inside his own PTSD hell, part of Reid is still in that cemetery. He'll never escape if he doesn't confront his fears and knowing Reid hell will freeze and pigs will most definately fly before he deals with his emotions on any serious level. He wants to teach him, only problem is Hotch doesn't know what his fears are, doesn’t understand what's scaring the kid so badly he's chosen acting out over talking to them. Reid’s closer to them, closer to him now than he’s ever been thanks to all those tears, hugs and far too many nightmares. Yet he's never felt further away from him. Hotch can only imagine what he went through ovet those three days he was missing, much like Mrs Woodridge can only imagine what trauma took the husband she loved away and sadly it's the not knowing which is preventing them from truly helping.

JJ signals from the across the room and just like that his mask is back on. Hotch pushes away from the wall as if nothing is wrong and is back in full unit chief mode by the time he reaches her side, ready to join the recently assembled swat team in hopes he can do one good thing today and that’s bringing in Roy Woodridge alive, so he can at least get a chance at receiving the help he needs. 

And maybe once their home, he can do the same for Reid.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This ones a tag for Jones!

Jones

Morgan and Prentiss slip into the seats in front of Hotch who’s going through files at the station, signing off on the case before they can leave New Orleans.

“This an intervention?” Hotch asks plainly after the silent stares go on a little too long.

“Yeah, but not for you,” Morgan tells him sternly.

Hotch sighs, closes his eyes and the files, pushing them to one side. “What’s on your mind?”

Morgan levels him a look and Hotch stares back pretending he doesn’t already know.

“Something’s going on with him Hotch, you know it, we know it” he nods at Prentiss, “and Gideon knows it.”

The emphasis Morgan puts on ‘Gideon’ is hard to miss, but before he can open his mouth to comment the man himself appears behind them.

“What do I know?”

“That something’s up with Reid.” Morgan eyes him head on without apology.

The issue of Gideon’s lesser involvement with Reid since Hankel has been brewing for a while now with all of them, but none more so than Morgan who Hotch knows would only gladly step into Gideon’s shoes if he could, or moreover if Reid would let him. Unfortunately the reality is that they all have their roles in each other’s lives and in Reid’s Morgan is his big brother, the one person Reid actually looks up to whether he’d admit to it or not, the one person he desperately doesn’t want to appear weak in front of if he can help it.

Next to him Hotch sees Prentiss narrow her gaze at Gideon in some kind of silent communication, suggesting to Hotch that this isn’t the first time she’s broached this subject with him either.

Gideon sighs heavily, gaze drifting between Morgan and Prentiss. “You two working together on this now?”

“We haven’t been talking if that’s what you mean, doesn’t mean we haven’t come to the same conclusion.” Prentiss promptly clears that up before there's a misunderstanding. 

“I told you, I know something’s up with him,” Gideon aims his glare at her before encompassing the three of them. “He'll deal with it in his own time, what else needs to be discussed?”

“Come on man, not even you believe that.” Morgan shakes his head. 

"Jason, Morgan's right. We know Reid has a habit of blocking us out when he's hurting." Hotch weighs in. He’d meant to talk to Reid after returning from Denver, but the outcome of that case hit everyone hard and frankly Hotch was afraid his anger at how it ended would too easily be transferred to the kid. "This could be a problem."

“What could be?” Gideon asks only confirming Hotch’s long term suspicions that he is well and truly in denial of Reid’s declining situation. “He went through a terrible experience, it’s probably PTSD.”

“Probably?” Morgan latches onto that one telling word like a bulldog and refuses to let go. “You hearing yourself?”

“Morgan,” Prentiss warns tapping his arm, but it enlists no response. 

“Come on, man you know you’re seeing the same things we are. His first night in the hospital up to his first case back he's showing signs of PTSD. He’s quiet, withdrawn, a little scared like we'd expect, but after New York?” He shakes his head, adamantly laying his argument out with a passion Hotch remembers he used to possess. “He changed, instantly.” Morgan clicks his fingers. “He's moody, late to meetings, snapping at everyone who talks to him and now lying to us and missing planes. Changes like that do not happen overnight.”

“What are you suggesting?” Hotch speaks up, knowing Morgan is leading up to something.

His tone is less challenging when he answers, but no less passionate. “I’m suggesting there has to be a cause for that behaviour. One other than PTSD.” 

Morgan’s eyes slide to Gideon on those last few words making it clear whom here he has a problem with, and why. Prentiss quickly speaks up referencing the slight tremors she’s noticed in his hands since the case in Denver. Though not happy Hotch is relived he hasn’t been the only one to notice. He’d begun to wonder if his own hyper-vigilant behaviour where Reid’s concerned is clouding his judgement a little. Morgan confirms on the last appointment he took Reid to, the doctor seemed concerned about the absence seizures, being as they continued long after the initial head trauma. 

“I thought the first doctor he saw first said it was normal?” Gideon pins Hotch with a glare, as if the conflicting statements are his fault.

“She did,” Morgan answers, “but obviously it’s more complicated than that.” He shrugs, folding his arms across his chest.

“How about medications?” Prentiss throws out, breaking the tension, “what if his doctor’s prescribed him something and he’s having a bad reaction?”

“Then it would be in his records, it isn’t.” Hotch says flatly revealing only as much as he deems necessary and helpful.

Judging by the looks he’s now getting he’s just raised further questions they want answering, like why he has access to Reid’s private medical file and why has he already checked it? The answers should be obvious. They all know by now that Reid doesn’t have a mentally competent next of kin, so who do they think acts medically on his behalf when he’s hurt in the field? He’d bet most would assume Gideon, which would have been true up until Boston, but during his six months leave Hotch took on the responsibility and for whatever reason Reid’s never asked for it to be changed back. As for why has he checked it? If either of the agents in front of him think he hasn’t already gone over all obvious causes for this sudden personality change then they need to brush up on their profiling skills. 

“Well what if he’s taking something that the doctor hasn’t prescribed?” Morgan steps around asking him what he really wants to ask, pulling them back to focus on the issue at hand.

“Something over the counter.” Hotch nods seeing it as entirely possible, something Reid would do considering his aversion to hospital trips thus far.

“We all know he’s smart, but…” Prentiss winces, clearly not being the one who wants to say it, even though they all think it, but by putting into words would make real.

“He can still act like a dumb kid sometimes.” Morgan agrees, having no problems calling them out on their secret opinion.

A small smile is shared. They hate to disparage, and mean no disrespect but bottom line? Reid’s a kid. A kid they protect for the excellent and frankly unique abilities he brings to the table. No one sees him as a lesser member of the team, but at the same time they fear Reid really doesn’t see how far they do go to protect him and Hotch often worries that as he grows up it’ll be difficult for him to understand without prejudice the reason why.

“Okay, say it is medication based,” Hotch pursues the idea further. “Strong painkillers and sleep aids have side effects like irritability and inability to concentrate.”

“Yeah, but both would make him drowsy and does he really look like he’s been sleeping a lot recently?” Morgan points out.

“Then he’s taking something to stay awake, he was having nightmares before this...” Prentiss shares a quick guilty look with Morgan who looks directly at Hotch, an unasked question in his eyes. 

One which goes completely unanswered. 

 

“Bottom line, Reid often doubts his own abilities, fears losing his place on the team and consequentially us. I bet he’d do anything to not let that happen.” 

“It wouldn’t.” Gideon speaks up after remaining mostly silent throughout the conversation.

“But Reid doesn’t believe that.” Hotch argues his point. Satisfied from Prentiss' comment he’d be breaking no confidence he turns to Morgan, “a year ago when you first told me about his nightmares it was because you knew I should know and you knew he’d never tell me.”

“Damn.” Gideon curses, as if it’s finally dawned on him exactly how wrong he’s been about Reid’s recovery.

“What?” Prentiss looks between the three expectantly.

“We’ve always known he struggles to deal with his own emotions. We should have predicted he’d choose to hide from us instead of reach out.” Morgan sighs, acknowledging his own failure in not realising this sooner.

"So?"

"So," Hotch starts.

"This could be a lot worse than we imagined." And Morgan finishes, resting his head in his head while Hotch pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Guys the jets fuelled and ready, we should get going." JJ interrupts softly, standing just behind Gideon.

Hotch had seen her hovering in the background and respects her desire to stay out of their conversation. She’s the closest age wise to Spencer and the only person who likely treats him as an equal. He doesn’t disagree that it’s important to maintain that level of friendship – especially now.

"Someone needs to fetch Reid.” Prentiss looks between him and Morgan, judging one of them to be the best choice.

“I’ll go,” Gideon says solemnly walking off before anyone can say otherwise.

Morgan eyes him and then he and Hotch exchange knowing glances, both sharing the same thought, wondering if this is the start of Gideon stepping up.

“God I feel awful.” Prentiss says once he's out the door.

“We’re only trying to help.” Hotch reminds her.

“I know, doesn’t make talking about him as if he’s case right." She says standing, grabbing her bags.

“It isn’t.” Morgan snaps, “Wouldn’t have had to if I’d done something about this weeks ago.”

“Morgan we can’t blame ourselves,” Emily starts, reaching out to rub his arm.

“Oh really, who should we blame then?” He pins her with a hard glare.

Hotch sees where this is going. They’re all relieved to have Reid with them again, but the magnitude of what happened is finally hitting them. They watched their kid being beaten, then killed and revived only to be tortured again and again over two days. They witnessed his tears, felt his fear and experienced his pain. There’s going to very little he can hide from them now, and that is what’s upsetting everyone the most. Each time he looks at his youngest Hotch no longer sees the sparkle of youthful innocence, if it was ever really there to begin with. Now all he sees reflected back at him in those sad brown eyes is his failure.

“Reid is my responsibility, I sent him and JJ to Hankel’s house - you should blame me.” Hotch excuses himself from the cluster of people still surrounding the small table, disappearing further into the station before they can tell him otherwise.


	13. Chapter 13

Cases over, team debriefed and back to business as usual at Quantico Hotch prepares to talk to Reid about his recent poor behaviour before another situation arises that requires his attention. He has no idea what was said between Gideon and Reid before they left New Orleans, but the disobedience and temper tantrums still need to be formally addressed by him. He had wanted Jason with him, but despite the conversation they had at the station regarding the source of Reid’s issues, he’s still acting like the parent who lost their child once and simple cannot deal with the responsibility of keeping them safe ever again. He feels his power and confidence to protect has been stripped from him and regrettably the usual outcome is said parent ceasing all contact with the child so as to avoid similar hurt in the future, something Hotch hopes he can prevent from happening here. Sadly they’ve seen it happen too often to deny the possibility, people can be destroyed by simply the threat of trauma, not just the trauma itself.

“Reid, a word.” Hotch calls from his office doorway, pushing all thoughts of Gideon’s issues out of his mind for now. One problem at a time.

Watching him rise awkwardly from his desk Reid looks tired, eyes dark and haunted. Sleep deprivation is a key cause of mood displacement and Hotch hopes it's simply that. Knowing Reid and his issues with nightmares before Hankel it wouldn’t be a surprise to learn he’s been avoiding sleep. It doesn’t give him the right to be behave like a brat, but when sick or hurting he does seem to regress to childlike tendencies. A coping mechanism directly related to his emotional development, or rather underdevelopment. How a person reacts to difficult situations is a learned response, one most kids pick up on the school playground by interacting in peer groups. But Reid never had the true playground experience being fast tracked through the school system and his peer groups consisted of kids so much older than him Hotch doubts they could have ever related to him on any serious level.

He knows this to be true because putting Tobias Hankel’s recording on disc and hiding it from curious eyes wasn’t the only favour he’d asked of Garcia that day. While Hotch had watched over Reid his first night back home he’d suffered some pretty distressing dreams. Hotch couldn’t class them as nightmares because they simple weren’t, even if they did reduce the kid to tears, leaving Hotch no other option than to sooth him back to sleep every time one took on a life of its own. They were memories; heart breaking, soul destroying - how the hell could a child survive this? - memories. And despite his will to be detached, on the inside Hotch knows he’s looking at Spencer differently now. As Spencer for one, not Agent Reid. Now they were all victims of something over the course of their lives, Hotch has his own personal demons to battle daily, but listening to Spencer relive the horrors of his childhood in his sleep, it just doesn’t sit with who the kid is today. Who Hotch knows him to be. Which is why he asked Garcia for the second favour. The one that had her dropping her cheery smile and screw the government mind set, leaving her looking hurt, torn and wanting to be a totally different person in that moment.

He asked her to profile Reid. Not in the way they do it, but in the way only she can, by gathering all records detailing the formative years of his youngest Agent and friend. Hard copies only he’d instructed her. Hotch didn’t want anything traceable, these were for his eyes only, not the team. Paper though easily lost or stolen is only one thing, in one place and Hotch is good at keeping things in their place. A digital signature is imprinted every time it’s viewed and distribution is hard to control. Like those chain emails with the angels and cats Haley keeps sending him and he hasn’t the nerve to tell her to stop. Hotch likes paper, he likes control. Loathed to share his techno fear similar to Reid's for egos sake he simply explained to Garcia the need to protect Reid’s privacy, even though technically by asking her the very task he was actually doing the opposite. 

Now having read through it all, feeling the time had come to take such a drastic action Hotch really wishes he hadn't. There is far more to Spencer’s short life than he could have ever imagined, and even though Reid's always been the quiet one of the group when it comes to personal topics he can’t believe some of these details have never come up. Although it does explain his reaction to certain cases, especially when foster children are involved. Yes he could have simply spoken to Reid about his dreams, but Hotch didn’t believe he’d oblige with the truth and he needed answers, even that early in the game he was thinking three steps ahead and Hotch wanted to be prepared should anything come of it. His gut had been telling him something bad might happen and now it seems his fears are about to be realised, in the worst way possible.

“You want me?” Reid shyly pokes his head around the door.

“Yes come in,” Hotch nods formally walking back to his desk and picking up the folder containing all of Garcia’s hard work on Reid’s past, placing it back in his desk draw.

He hesitates, a look of unease passing over his features before deciding it’s safe to enter. Hotch isn’t sure when exactly Reid started to fear being in his office, he’d hope to never see fear on the kids face again, especially in a place that should offer some measure of protection, and he would hope, symbolised safety.

“Are you sleeping?” He asks outright, taking his seat.

Reid frowns, but doesn’t bother trying to lie.

“Reid the FBI psychiatrist cleared you for field work but if you’ve withheld anything related to your health then…”

“What are you saying?” He snaps. “That you think I tricked her?”

Shit. Hotch needs sleep himself if he thinks going in strong is a good idea.

“Reid that’s not what I’m saying-“

But Reid isn’t listening, his eyes are dark, burning with defiance.

“I wouldn’t risk the team like that Hotch!” He paces, near tripping over his own feet in his fluster. “I’ve tried really hard, I-“

“Reid stop” Hotch shouts, standing quickly, not liking the tremulous quality to his voice.

But Reid has already stopped. Stopped dead in the middle of the room, staring out the window at the grey day which has once again taken over the city they call home.

“Reid? Spencer?”

He doesn’t respond, just keeps staring off into space, eyes clouded over. His lack of response has Hotch running from around his desk to stand before him.

“Reid can you hear me?” Hotch grabs the kid’s shoulders, feeling bone even through his three plus layers of clothing.

He blinks a few times and looks sideways at Hotch. “I feel really sick,” his voice is weak, all hurt and anger gone leaving nothing but emotion.

“Okay you need to sit down.” Hotch tries to force him down on the sofa behind them, but Reid snatches out of his grasp and on unsteady legs runs out the door, already making his way back down stairs.

Sighing in frustration, with just a little bit of fear creeping in, Hotch looks to the ceiling praying for strength, needing a second to pull himself together before walking out after him.

“Reid, come back!” Hotch calls calmly, but loud enough for everyone in hearing distance to understand it’s an order. 

Everyone but Reid of course who just keeps walking. Hotch chases him into the bullpen, keeping pace and calling his name until finally closing the distance enough to pull him to a stop a few feet from his desk.

The altercation draws some attention. Most stay back, except the BAU team who, self-preservation be damned, close in.

“What’s going on?” Prentiss asks first eyeing them both.

Reid is glaring at Hotch. Hotch is staring back at Reid. He knows he's hiding something. Is sure of it now.

“I don’t feel well I’m going home.” Reid says plainly.

He moves to grab his bag from his desk, leaving Hotch standing with Prentiss who looks right at him for an explanation. Hotch shakes his head at her and approaches Reid again.

“Reid you’re not going anywhere,” he tells him in no uncertain terms.

“You can't tell me what to do.” He replies breathlessly.

“Reid,” Emily takes a side step toward him as if he were a skittish animal. “If you’re sick-“

“I’m not sick! Why won't any of you believe me, just leave me alone!” His shout draws even more attention.

Morgan comes running over next.

“Hey pretty boy, what’s up?” His tone is casual enough, but Hotch can see from the tense line across his forehead and squared shoulders that he’s ready and prepped for a fight.

Hotch, hoping they won’t have to physically restrain Reid to stop him from leaving looks between the three of them. They’re drawing a crowd now, but Hotch steadfastly ignores the on lookers and keeps his focus on Reid.

“I’m going home and no one is going to stop me!” Reid bites, not appreciating Morgan’s attempt at normalcy.

Hotch notices he’s still trying to pick up his bag and despite many attempts the flailing action remains the same with little effect, almost as if the arm movement is involuntary.

“What? Why?” Morgan looks to Hotch, clearly confused.

Hotch can see him frowning out the corner of his eye, but is too busy watching Reid’s erratic actions to offer any explanation. Fear’s creeping into his chest, it’s under his skin, a tingling sensation too similar to a memory he has as a child upon discovering something bad happening to his family and realising there really wasn’t anything he could do to stop it. As it turns out his fear is justified this time too. Seconds pass and before anyone can comprehend what’s happening Reid’s eyes roll back leaving nothing but whites and he drops to the floor, only missing hitting his head on the corner of Prentiss’ desk by mere inches. The three agents watching immediately lose the shared frowns of confusion and scramble to his side. Hotch drops to his knees, rolling Reid onto his hip moving him into the recovery position while Morgan and Prentiss move as many things out of the way as possible.

“Prentiss time him.” Hotch orders, supporting Reid gently from behind while his body spasms under his touch.

She nods and Morgan joins him on the floor, facing Reid. Their eyes meet over his unconscious form and Hotch knows what he’s being asked without Derek giving voice to the actual words. He shakes his head, running one hand gently through Reid’s hair, a futile act that he knows won’t stop the seizure, but at least makes him feel better, like he’s doing something other than watching helplessly. Then Reid's movements cease as suddenly as they began, leaving him lying listless between them.

“1:36” Prentiss announces.

“Okay, clear these people away and call Gideon, Morgan-”

“I got him Hotch.” Morgan swiftly gathers Reid into his arms and with Hotch glaring at those few remaining leads the way up stairs to his office.

Laying Reid on the couch, his eyes are open but droopy and he's looking at them, but isn’t saying anything.

“Hey kid,” Morgan brushes the hair out of his eyes, “can you talk? Let me know if you can hear me okay?”

“I c’n ‘ear ‘ou,” the words, though muffled make it out of Reid’s mouth and both men instantly relax. “Wha’ ‘pened?”

“You had a seizure,” Hotch tells him delicately after working out what he’s asking “but you’re going to be okay just rest for a minute.”

Hotch taps Morgan on the arm and handing him a set of keys points his chin towards the door.

Reid watches Morgan leave the room with hooded eyes, “wh’re?”

“He’s gone to fetch the car,” Hotch tells him calmly.

“Why?” Reid tries to sits up in panic.

“Hey, calm down.” Hotch pushes him back down, perching himself on the sofa at his side, preventing further movement. “You’re going to hospital.”

“Wha’ no!” 

“It’s with us or the EMTs, take your pick. Either way you’re going.” Hotch points a finger at him, broking no argument on this.

Morgan is gone a matter of seconds before there's a knock at the door and Garcia walks in carrying an armful of things, one of which is a purple fleece blanket.

“Hi Garcia,” he greets softly with a sad smile.

He’s unsurprised to see her, the whole team is probably going to descend on them in a minute.

She steps over to them and looks down on Reid over his shoulder. “Hi Reid, Morgan thought you’d want this.” 

Her voice is shaky, and sensing her resolve to be about as strong as Reid’s at the moment Hotch stands and moves out the way to allow her to take his place.

“Can you stay with him a second, I need to make a phone call.” He says as she tucks the fleece around his shoulders.

“Of course sir, anything.” Garcia, voice soft calm and oddly soothing considering her usual volume, is smiling gently and doesn’t look away from Reid’s unfocused, sleepy gaze.

Hotch gives her a genuine smile in return. He’s never doubted it for a second, but the past few weeks have certainly proved it. He has some good people in his life.

…

It hours later, they’ve returned from the hospital with Reid in tow and about as many answers as they had before he collapsed. The team on edge Hotch is simply trying to keep everyone grounded by focusing them on work. He’s down in the bullpen with JJ going over what they need to do before leaving for the night when Hotch sees Morgan abruptly push back from his desk and walk up to Gideon’s office door.

“How’s Reid?” Gideon asks without turning around.

“You care?” he snaps.

Gideon doesn’t even flinch, nose remaining buried in the case file he’s holding. “I wouldn’t ask if I didn't.” He says eventually into the prolonged silence.

Morgan is undeterred however. “Well you can understand our confusion. I’ve been at the hospital with him and everyone else most of the afternoon. Where were you?”

“We had a case to look over.” He dismisses causally.

“A case? You mean the serial we profiled won’t take another victim for at least three weeks?”

“We can be wrong.” He quips with a nonchalant shrug, but it’s his next words which send Morgan over the edge. “Reid understands.”

“Does he? Because I certainly don’t! Why the hell don’t you just say it? You’re scared and you’re avoiding the kid.”

Gideon pauses in his reading, looking up and over his glasses with a firm stare. “No, I’m busy doing my job.”

“Screw the job!” Morgan enters the office, no longer content with hanging in the doorway. “This is Reid we’re talking about. If we’d not been there when that seizure happened he could have died.”

“Well you were and he didn’t,” Gideon responds lightly. “Reid doesn’t like being the centre of attention. Best thing for him is to get back to normal.”

“Normal, right.” Morgan scoffs. "Things aren't going to be normal for while - I think the last few weeks have proven that."

"He just needs-"

“What he needs is your support.” Something in his stances changes, defeat maybe, “Gideon all the kid needs is to know you care, give him a damn hug or something, the earth won’t end because of it.”

There’s a minute, near undetectable shift in the atmosphere of the room.

“Reid doesn’t like to be touched.” Gideon denies quietly.

It’s the first reaction he’s had to anything said so far, which leads Hotch to believe Morgan’s on the right track.

“By strangers,” Morgan stresses, “but we’re not strangers we’re his family. And besides that’s not what this is really about.”

“Really, what is it then?” Gideon snaps defensively.

Morgan’s control over the conversation slash argument is slipping and it’s clear he’s fighting to put calm in his voice to get it back. “This is about you not showing Reid any kind of support since we got him back.”

“I’ve supported his return.”

“His return.” Morgan mocks. “You listening to yourself? You’re going through the motions man, I’ve talked to him, Hotch has talked to him, hell Hotch never left his side that first night back."

Watching Gideon’s reaction carefully to that comment Hotch can actually see the flash of disappointment in his eyes. At the very least it proves this cold front is just that; a front, a coping mechanism and way to protect himself.

"Look I get it,” Morgan continues, voice taking on a consoling quality obviously having seen the same reaction he has. “You feel responsible, you brought the kid into the BAU and he got hurt. You can't change that. This is going to stay with you as much as him."

“Morgan’s right,” Hotch speaks up, finally making his presence known by appearing in the doorway. “Reid’s changed, whether we like it or not, and what caused it doesn’t matter. He needs to know we still love him and that feeling happy again… well it’s going to take time.” He finishes reasonably, his personal words clashing with the detached tone, like he’s talking to a room of new cadets rather than his friend’s.

"Reid knows we’re here for him and its okay.” Morgan adds into the silence which follows.

Gideon looks blankly at the pair of them.

"What's okay?” He aims his question at Morgan, asking with a calm that makes even Hotch want to sock him one for being intentionally oblivious.

Morgan grits his teeth looking to Hotch who gives his consent with a clipped nod, Gideon's asking for it and he’s out of ideas.

"Okay to not be okay damn it. Ignoring the problem won't turn him back into that innocent happy kid you thought he was before Tobias Hankel made him experience what it’s like to be one of the victims!”

"I'm not a victim," Reid's quiet calm voice surprises them, drawing the attention of the room.

Morgan spins around to face him. "Shit Reid you're supposed to be lying down." 

Reid blinks then turns his watery eyes on him. Hotch holds his gaze, waiting and then tone completely innocent he hears him ask –

"You love me?"

Pulling his lips tight to keep in his instinctual reaction in, Hotch closes his eyes to regain some strength and composure before answering. 

"Reid we all love you." He tells him softly, with tinge of defeat in his tone.

"Really?" Reid whips around to face to Morgan, eyes wide desperately looking for confirmation of that.

Derek manages to answer, "Kid you're like my little brother, how could I not?"

Reid blinks, scanning the room, "I love you all too." 

And with that quick declaration he spins on his heels and escapes back down into the bullpen.

Hotch tiredly pinches the bridge of his nose to stem the oncoming headache. Morgan looks as close to tears as he’s ever seen him. As for Gideon, well he doubts anyone could have stood where they are, heard the hope in the kids voice that its true, someone really does gives a damn about him and not have it make a dent in the defensive walls they’ve put up. Exactly how insecure one kid has to be for a simple declaration of love to entice such a reaction, to be a genuine surprise he doesn’t know, but has a feeling he'll be scanning that file again tonight looking for the answer. 

First to recover Hotch meets each of the other’s men’s eyes, making his order clear with one long intense stare. Morgan nods determinedly and leaves, patting his shoulder in agreement on his way past. Gideon takes longer, but he eventually concedes, closing the file folder he’d been holding when Morgan had entered the room.

“I’ll speak with him.” He nods.

Hotch doesn’t say anything in reply, but his look is clear. No one is going to hurt Reid ever again. He will simply not allow it. Period.

..

Reid runs down the stairs and out the door of the bull pen. He can’t stay with the team, not like this. He’s only hurting them. They love him and he’s hurting them. The thought hurts him more than expected and without being able to control them Reid feels tears well up, almost breaching his eyelids. He has to stop. Being able to focus, to sleep, to do his job isn’t worth it if he loses the family that comes with it. And he will lose them if he continues to shoot up whenever they're not away on a case. But he'll likely lose them anyway now, which brings him full circle. What the hell is he doing this for if he’s just going to walk away?

Running into the nearest men’s room he internally screams, near deafening himself in the process. He’s a genius, a goddam genius and frankly why can he not get this? Ethan’s words from before at the bar only add to the doubt he’s feeling about this mess. He said they know, they have to know, so if they love him, and they know what’s he been doing to himself at home why haven’t they done something? Why don’t they want to save him?

Reid collapses against the bathroom stall door. He’s so tired and turns out so dehydrated tears are beyond him, but he cries all the same, muffled sobs escaping him as he loses all composure. Yet the question remains the same and he still doesn’t have an answer. Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thats 3 new chapters and all the updating for tonight, thanks for reading!


	14. Chapter 14

Reid is walking home. At least he thinks he is. The street he's on is dark, rain making it difficult to see clearly. People are all around him pushing, getting in his way, or is it him getting their's, it's hard to tell. Looking down the busy sidewalk, at the neon signed store fronts, the cars crawling along the kerbside, he isn’t sure if he’s taken the wrong train or just gotten off at the wrong stop, but nothing looks familiar. 

A spike of fear pinches at the bottom of his spine, tingling like electricity all the way up until the tiny hairs at the back of his neck stand on end. He doesn't remember taking the train. Hell he doesn’t remember leaving the BAU. An image quickly flashes before his eyes. Fleeting, its there then gone again but Reid remembers stairs, dark stairs. The tingling sensation intensifies and Reid doesn't need reminding its a visceral reaction to danger. He spins around, looking over his shoulder, but sees no one he recognises. Shaking it off he continues walking, the feeling of cold dread increasing with every step, hoping to discover something that may point towards home. The last memory he has before finding himself out here, wherever here is, is sitting at his desk in the BAU listening to Morgan talk to someone over the phone, a woman. He was cancelling a date. They were catching up on paperwork, serial killer files and interviews. Had to stay late. He... he was going to the basement to fetch old case files.... Reid remembers facing the basement stairs. The very dark, very cold basement stairs...

_'You’re weak boy!' ___

__The second he hears the voice Reid breaks into a run, scanning the crowd, looking over his shoulder he runs straight into a group loitering outside a bar._ _

___'You’re being stupid,’ _an unfamiliar man says to his face without moving his lips.__ _ _

____'What?' Reid gasps, stumbles backwards, smacks straight into a woman walking in the opposite direction._ _ _ _

_____'You're alone out here you know. Nobody cares.' _Her voice is high and lilting, almost playful, a stark contrast to her disgruntled frown.__ _ _ _ _

______"No, no my friend's, they'll help me." Reid stutters, righting himself._ _ _ _ _ _

______A hand comes out of nowhere and grabs his wrist, pulling him backwards into a dark side ally. _'They already tried but you wouldn’t let them.' _____ _ _ _ _

________"No. No that’s not true. They never… " he tells the obviously homeless man whose holding out his hand as if asking for change._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His vision swims all of a sudden, colours running, his world turns blue._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________'Your weak!' _Charles Hankle's voice comes out of nowhere.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"No!" Yanking his arm free of his capture Reid backs away, throwing both hands up to cover his face. _This can't be happening, this can't be happening.... _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He hears laughter eminating unexpectedly from somewhere deep inside his already very confused and overcrowded mind and squeezes his eyes tighter as if not seeing can block it out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________'He's reliving the worst moment of his life.' ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It's Hotch's voice which echoes inside his head this time as he re-emerges onto the street, continuing his quest to find a way home. He'd said those very words to him in Denver while searching for the unsub with PTSD. Reid remembers thinking that he knows how that feels. Every night in fact. Like a Technicolor recreation of his own lost moment. He remembers it all. Things had been fuzzy at first but then the longer he went without the vials the clearer his mind became. Standing by those basement stairs he remembered how dark it had been that night in the cemetery, how cold..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He's scared again, but doesn’t know why. Spencer opens his eyes and finds himself sitting on the floor, leaning against a door in a small stairwell. People are walking by him, some stepping over him. He feels strange and touching his cheek which comes away wet Reid doesn't understand what's happening to him. Shouldn't he still be at work? Before he can think more he hears a tinny beep and it takes a few seconds to realise the continious noise is coming from him. Patting himself down frantically Spencer grabs and flips open his book bag, feeling around inside. Latching onto the small rectangle chunk of plastic he pulls out his cell phone. It stops beeping but Reid can see by the numbers on the tiny screen this isn't the first time the same person has called. Scrambling up off the floor, rejoining the crowds in the street his fingers fumble over the small buttons. He attempts to redial the number, but his hands are shaking too much, making the simple task near impossible to complete. Lifting the phone to his ear Reid thinks he makes a connection, hears the tell-tale ringing not once but twice when out of nowhere an elbow bumps his arm sending the phone crashing to the floor. It splits in two, the battery flying off separate from the rest into a puddle. Reid quickly drops to the floor moving along the wet concrete, gathering the pieces, frantically forcing them back together. He turns it over in his dirty palms, but unsurprisingly it doesn't switch back on and feeling the despair well up to unimaginable heights lets out an internal cry of distress. He's lost, alone and has no way to call anyone for help._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Reid!"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Spencer snaps his gaze back to his phone, desperately hoping he managed to make the call after all, but the screen is still dark. Putting all the evidence together, memory loss, hearing voices, not knowing where he is or how he came to be here Reid can only assume one thing-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He must be losing his mind._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________...._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Garcia?” Hotch barks when she falls unexpectedly silent after uttering an uncertain uh-oh down the line._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Steering around the corner one handed he can hear her chair wheels roll over her office floor, “Sir I had him, he was making a call, but the signal's dropped completely, he must have turned it off I’m sorry.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She sounds utterly despaired, but as is the norm recently he doesn’t have time to make her feel better, so Hotch tries the next best thing. “Garcia call Morgan, tell him to check his apartment again then return to the office. I’ll carry on to his cells last location.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Hotch looks out the windows of the SUV into the late afternoon spring rain scanning the streets. It's warm outside still, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be repercussions for being out in this without a jacket. He’s still reeling over how none of them had noticed until an hour ago that Reid was even missing, but then that’s what happens when they get busy. Everyone’s so engrossed in their own work nobody was watching when Reid suddenly picked up his book bag, leaving his gun and badge behind and walked out the door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It may sound like no big deal, especially to FBI security who thought he was crazy bawling them out for letting Doctor Reid walk out of the building unsupervised, but since Reid’s terrifying and still unexplained seizure in the office last week he’s been showing increasing signs of sickness and confusion. Everyone’s noticed of course, but all enquiries into his health have been shut down with an emphatic ‘I’m fine’. They’ve been concerned to the point that whenever he’s not within at least one team member’s sights they experience a moment of general unease, which after a prolonged unexplained absence like this one has inevitably led to panic. For Hotch that panic quickly turned into anger once they ascertained he’d left the building without saying anything and were forced to track his cell because he wasn’t answering it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Scanning the crowd of late afternoon shoppers and commuters still filling the sidewalks he’s about to give up and turn around when his luck improves considerably. Spotting the one he’s looking for on the other side of the street Hotch slams on the brakes and throws open the door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Reid!” He calls into the throng of passers-by, relived and yes certainly angry expression in place as he makes his way across the road._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Even though the rain has tapered off into a light mist, making visibility a little better, it’s still the ‘get soaked after only a minute’ kind which Hotch has no intention of hanging around in. As he gets closer he can tell Reid still doesn’t see him by the way he’s standing in the middle of the sidewalk, arms wrapped tightly around his middle avoiding contact with the people moving around him. Hotch’s initial relief that’s he’s not hurt quickly transforms into alarm as he approaches, because despite being alert and standing Reid does not appear to be alright. In fact he looks confused and very, very scared._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________There’s people congregating around the area he’s trying to get to despite the rain and pushing his way through them at a jog, worry now driving him Hotch loses all sense of boundaries between himself and his subordinate by taking Spencer into his arms the second he’s within grabbing distance._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Where the hell have you been? And why aren’t you answering your cell?” He barks, words coming out harsher than intended as he squeezes the thin shoulders tightly. "You hurt?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Pulling back without breaking contact Hotch visually inspects him for injury. Spencer’s staring back at him, wide eyed and terrified. His eye sockets are nothing but sunken black rings, wrists so thin Hotch is positive he could link one hand around them twice and he has to wonder exactly when Reid went from skinny to malnourished and how they missed it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Hotch?" Reid blinks, eyes finally registering him, "really you?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Yes Reid its really me," Hotch forces calm into his voice. "What are you doing out here?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I don’t ... my cell broke…" the kid shakes his head, holding out the broken phone, "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know-"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________The phrase is repeated a few more times until Hotch tells him to shush. He isn’t comforted by the fact their boy genius with the eidetic memory can’t remember how he came to be here, but first things first, he wants to get them off the street and out of the rain. They break apart, but Hotch keeps his hand on the kid’s arm, dragging him toward the car._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Where am I going?” Reid asks, sounding more like his usual self._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“My house,” Hotch is broking no argument and not explaining._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Reid doesn’t question him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________………………._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Morgan pulls up in the Hotchner’s driveway with a foreboding sense of Deja-vu, only Haley’s standing on the lawn this time having opened the gates. He climbs out his truck to be greeted by an evening which is pleasantly cool after the afternoon's storm, mocking him with its freshness and promise of new beginnings._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Hey, Derek,” Haley greets him sadly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Mam,” he smiles back politely just like his momma taught him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“They’re both inside.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He picks up on her sad tone, but doesn’t ask, instead enters the family home prepared for anything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“What’s going on?” He queries finding Hotch standing in the kitchen, arms folded over his chest, staring forward, an expression like none he’s ever seen on his boss’ face before._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Directly in his line of sight is Reid, sitting at the kitchen counter, head down, sad eyes focused on the coffee cup jumping in his shaking hands. Without a word Hotch pushes away from the counter top he's leaning on and walks over to address Morgan._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Standing close by his side he whispers in his ear. “His mental state has altered, he doesn’t remember leaving the BAU or how he ended up in a neighbourhood he's never been before. From what he's described, the way he’s acted since I brought him home I think he’s experienced a very intense flashback.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"That fits with what Garcia found on the BAU’s security cameras.” Morgan eyes him seriously. “She said she can track Reid walking normally toward the files basement, but then he gets to the top of the stairs and stops dead for at least five minutes. Then he turns around and quickly heads out the main doors.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Definitely sounds like an episode.” Hotch agrees, “Or another seizure.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“What the hell is wrong with him?" Morgan snaps, feeling his irritation keenly with their helplessness._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Hotch's narrow eyes slide and study Reid intently. "You remember at the hospital last week they said outside factors could be a cause for the seizure, but without further tests they couldn't be sure?" He spins back around, pinning Morgan with an inquisitive glare. "Well he's been refusing blood tests since Hankel."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"He's scared of needles" Morgan shrugs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"But was he scared of needles before?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________They share a look and Morgan admits he really doesn’t know for sure. “Only thing Reid’s ever admitted to having a fear of is the dark.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I think it’s time we ask him again.” Hotch’s voice is low, almost dangerous._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It takes a minute for Morgan to work out exactly what he’s suggesting. “You want to do a cognitive interview with him now?” He gapes. “When I suggested it to get him talking two months ago you and Gideon said no. What’s changed?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“He’s confused." Hotch shrugs sadly, dropping the suspicious tone. "He wants to know what’s happening to him and frankly so do I.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Not to step on your toes Hotch, but have you considered he knows and just isn’t telling us? Kids not exactly been himself recently.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I think it may have started that way, but whatever this is he’s repressed it. The seizures could be altering his perceptions, making it easier to block out whatever memories he's trying so hard to forget. And now he’s suffering flashbacks?" Hotch takes a breath, steadies his voice and continues much more lowly, "Morgan if we let him bury this then we’ll lose him. If any of our fears over his coping methods are true then he's risking a hell of lot, you really want to stand by and let him lose everything because of a bruised ego?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Morgan huffs. “Yeah okay I’m still pissed about New Orleans and his recent bratty attitude, but I’m not that petty.” He sighs hearing his own words and realising that’s exactly what he’s being. “Fine, you’re the boss, I’m in. When?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Hotch stares back at him, features unchanging, “now”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	15. Chapter 15

They sit Spencer on the living room couch. Haley and Jack have since left to visit her sister for the evening so it's just them and Reid in the house. Morgan stands in the corner, cell phone in hand should anything happen they haven't planned for. An extreme measure maybe, but given recent events definitely justified. 

“Close your eyes,” Hotch instructs Reid gently, taking a seat on the coffee table in front of him, knees touching. “Now I want you to go back to when you and JJ where driving upto the Hankel farm.”

He walks him through the night and so far everything pretty much matches with Reid’s report.

"It’s morning. When you wake up where are you?"

“In the shed still.” Reid swallows.

“What are you doing?” Hotch asks trying to keep his voice steady, this is the part of Reid's report he eventually claimed to not remember and so they've heard none of the details or know what to expect.

“I’m tied to the chair,” his breath hitches.

“What is it Reid?” He reaches out and takes the kid's hand in his own, squeezing it tight.

“Tobias has just walked in, no, not Tobias- his father,” 

“What’s he doing?”

“He’s burning something,”

“What do you do?”

“I talk to him, he gets angry, he’s walking over to me, grabs my foot and puts it in his lap.” Spencer swallows, “He has a piece of wood.”

“Bastard,” Morgan groans in the background, but Hotch shushes him.

“What’s happening now?”

“He hits me with it,” Spencer answers, voice strained and near tears, “He wants me to confess my sins, but I don’t, I don’t have any. I know if I confess he’ll kill me.” He gasps and shouts, “No!"

“What is it?” Hotch holds the hand in his grasp a little tighter, placing his free palm over Spencer’s knee.

“He wants me to choose a family to die.” Reid is openly crying now, tear tracks marking his pale cheeks. “I can’t do this…”

“Okay, okay,” Hotch swallows giving Morgan a look, they know this part anyway from the recording, “Move along to what happens next, after the camera’s turned off.”

“He leaves and when he comes back it’s Tobias. He sees his father’s hurt me, wants to help.”

“Help?” Hotch queries. 

He remembers Morgan mentioning this after the ride to the hospital and wondering if Reid formed some kind of bond with his kidnapper, the Tobias persona at least.

“He’s scared.”

“What about you?” Hotch asks gently.

Reid nods, but verbally ignores the question. “He’s removing his belt.”

Morgan’s ears perk up at that, he looks to Hotch. Hotch thinks he might have punched a wall had they been anywhere but his house.

“What does he do next?” Hotch turns back to Reid, terrified of finding out the answer.

Reid falls silent. 

"Spencer?"

His breathing becomes laboured, Hotch senses Morgan take a step closer.

"Spencer it's okay, you’re safe."

This can't be right. Hankel showed no signs of anything remotely sexual in his killings... or is that only because he didn't want to see it, didn't want to even consider the possibility.... how...

"Reid listen to my voice, you're safe Hankel can't hurt you again. What happen after he took off his belt?" He needs to know, now more then ever.

"A needle.” Reid frowns, eyebrows drawn down and together.

“A needle?” Hotch echoes unable to keep the surprise out of his voice.

“He has a needle.” The kid pales… “Oh god, no, no… I…” more tears fall. “I'm sorry Hotch."

Reid snatches his hands back and covers his face.

"Sorry for what?" He asks, fearing the dread building in the pit of his stomach. What exactly did they miss that night?

"He’s injecting something into me, I don’t know what but I beg him not to, I really do but he won’t listen, just keeps saying it helps.” Spencer’s voice eventually breaks, dissolving into the tears he starts shouting hysterically “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry...”

Straight away Hotch jumps up from the table and sits next to him on the couch lifting Reid to him, trying to calm him as best he can. Stunned doesn't begin to describe hows he's feeling. He’d not noticed any needle marks when helping Reid change clothes that first night he’d spent in his guest room, but then it had been dark and he certainly hadn’t been looking for signs of drug use, though given Tobias’ history, with the cemetery in particular, maybe he should have considered it a possibility. Sure enough, freeing an arm and lifting up the right sleeve of Reid's shirt, there in the crock of his elbow are several heeled puncher marks, red angry pin pricks easily missed unless you were looking. No wonder Reid refused a full work up in the hospital. He knew what they’d find.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” Hotch whispers in his ear, repositioning his arm around Reid’s back, rocking him gently from side to side as the kid continues to sob and apologise. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I didn’t want anyone to know, I didn’t want you all to hate me because I didn’t fight hard enough.” Reid falls heavily against his chest, gripping his shirt so tight Hotch feels it pull taut across his back. “I... I thought I’d be okay. I didn’t want to be weak.”

Morgan had moved in closer the second Reid admitted to being drugged looking relived it wasn’t what he’d originally thought, then wanting to shout at him for being so damn stupid withholding information like that. But upon hearing his reasons for hiding the truth he instantly deflates and takes Hotch's previous seat on the coffee table. 

“You’re not weak kid,” Derek tells him sadly, a slight quiver detectable in the deep voice.

As Reid buries his face further into his shoulder Hotch tightens his hold and looks over at Morgan offering a sad understanding smile. He knows how hard this is for both of them and appreciates him not bawling the kid out for being such an idiot, for even thinking they'd hate him.

“Well I don’t feel particularly strong right now” Reid sniffs pulling himself roughly out of his hold, wiping his sleeve across his damp eyes and runny nose.

“It’s not your fault if you get drugged against your will.” Hotch affirms hoping against hope that they can convince him there isn’t anyway they’d ever blame him for that.

Knowing it's likely the drugs which impaired his judgement enough to give him the idea in the first place doesn’t ease his guilt any. The thought that a few simple words of assurance from any one of them much sooner could have prevented this is heart-breaking.

“Yeah, but it wouldn’t have happened to you.” Reid throws Morgan’s words from the hospital all those weeks ago back at them.

“Kid I’m sorry-”

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Spencer nervously shoots out of his seat and makes a run for it upstairs.

Hotch nods, giving permission even though he doubts Reid will stop if he doesn’t and standing slowly, guides Morgan over to the other side of the room furthest from the staircase.

“What I am going to do?” Derek asks plainly.

“You can sort it out later.” Hotch dismisses.

“Later?!” Morgan almost laughs, “Hotch in case you haven't noticed it is later, two months in fact and the kid’s a bigger mess now than he was before, and its partially my fault.”

“Right now we have bigger problems," Hotch cuts him off, "Tobias Hankel’s drug of choice was Dilaudid cut with a psychedelic.”

Hotch stares hoping his meaning is clear -

“What are you thinking?” 

\- but judging by that question Morgan clearly wants him to spell it out.

“I’m thinking we didn’t find any drugs on Tobias’ body or in the shed.” He says gravely.

Morgan’s eyes go wide before shaking his head in abject denial. “No, no way man he wouldn’t do that.”

“Wouldn’t he?” Hotch pins him with a stern glare. “It fits with all his symptoms. He has puncher marks in his right arm and I'm betting we'll find the same marks in his left. It explains the temper tantrums, the sickness, the seizures, Morgan if he’d been in withdrawal all this time we’d have known much sooner!” 

“Reid’s not stupid, the chances of mental illness alone, he already knows his genes make him susceptible, he wouldn’t risk it…”

“He’s been terrified Morgan” Hotch presses. “Think about his sudden change in behaviour from New York to Denver and then New Orleans.”

Morgan huffs, looking like it’s the last thing he wants to believe, despite all evidence to the contrary. “You really think he’d dose himself with that stuff?”

“We suspected he’d been self-medicating,”

“Yeah, over the counter stuff, sleeping pills, caffeine tabs, not pharmaceutical grade Heroine!” Morgan runs a hand over his shocked face, pacing. “How could we miss something like this? And how would he even get hold of it? I bet Hankel didn't just hand it over before...."

“What?” Hotch breathes after he lets the sentence drop, recognising the look of someone coming to an unhappy conclusion.

“He asked to be alone for a minute. With the body.” Morgan sighs in defeat. “We waited and he sat down, if Tobias had the drugs on him…"

“He could have taken them before we processed the scene.” Hotch concludes not exactly happy with that answer.

“But I didn’t see him take anything."

“You wouldn’t.” Hotch shakes his head thinking of Reid's slight of hand skills.

They stare at each other, communicating without words their worse fears. This is a nightmare. Reid‘s likely not only been hurting himself for the past two months, he’s been living with the guilt of stealing from a crime scene and worst of all, lying to them. Before anything else can be said Reid returns and comes to a sudden halt at the bottom of the stairs, obviously sensing the tension. 

“I’m fired aren’t I?”

The trembling voice actually makes his chest hurt, but sharing a pensive look with Morgan and receiving a curt nod in return Hotch steps forward to take the lead. Whatever the mitigating circumstances, however he may feel about those involved this is a problem he needs to deal with. 

“Reid, sit down.” He commands in his best no nonsense tone.

Reid complies nervously, but he’s rather well put together considering and Hotch hopes to hell he’s not done anything stupid while in the bathroom.

“We’re going to have to add to your report about the Dilaudid.” He drops that bombshell first.

Reid doesn’t react to him calling out the drug by name, so assumes by the lack of challenge he’s correct. Hotch knows he doesn’t need to explain why they have to add it to his report either, keeping it a secret from the FBI could have far reaching consquences, beyond the BAU and Reid knows that, which is why this is so damn hard. 

“It’s not that bad kid,” Morgan offers, seeing the desolation on his face.

“But everyone will know,” he whines quietly, eyes to the floor.

Morgan steps forward and kneels down in front of him, forcing eye contact. “Yeah kid they will, but it's nothing to be embarrassed about.” 

Reid lifts and drops his shoulders with a heavy sigh, “And how do you explain to Strauss about why I didn't report it before?”

Hotch hadn't even thought that far ahead yet.

“Don't worry about Strauss, I’ll sit with you in the office, we’ll put it through together.” He says neutrally, trying very hard to keep his composure in light of what he’s going to have to ask next. “But before that happens you need to answer some questions.” 

“Anything,” Reid agrees despite looking terrified.

Morgan flicks his gaze to him, asking permission to take the lead and Hotch nods. 

“Kid, we need to see your other arm.”

Reid’s eyes widen, but quickly glaze over in weary acknowledgment. Without waiting for an answer Derek leans forward palms out indicating where he’s going to touch before rolling up his left shirt sleeve. 

Despite trying to maintain a level of control both Hotch and Morgan instinctually gasp upon seeing the same tiny red marks there too. 

"How long?" Derek demands softly.

Reid’s forehead creases, losing his own battle to stay composed. "I didn't mean to, but after I couldn't focus, or sleep.... I told you, I needed to focus on the case. I... I...was…"

"You were scared." Morgan finishes for him, a look of defeat crossing his features like he’s recalling a memory. "New York." He says looking to him, confirming what they'd already predicted.

“I tried to stop on my own.” Reid sobs, falling back into the couch cushions, “I have stopped, since I walked in on you and Morgan talking with Gideon I've stopped." 

Morgan’s hard gaze meets his and they jointly acknowledge the last piece of the puzzle as it falls into place. Hotch doesn't pretend to be an expert on Dilaudid, but he's pretty sure going cold turkey after months of use is a really bad idea. Though if true it does explain Reid's unbalanced emotional state and why he's been looking so sick recently. Somehow the idea of him being in full withdrawal makes him feel a little less guilty about pushing him to remember, knowing that no matter their choices tonight the kid would have ended up an emotional train wreck with or without their help is strangely comforting. Despite the knowledge that this fallout would have been inevitable the only real good news Hotch can come up with to make the situation any better is that now that they know what’s causing Reid’s erratic behaviour they can finally do something about it. 

“Where’d you get the Dilaudid?” Hotch asks, folding his arms across his chest.

Reid pales as if that’s the last thing he expected to be asked and sends his gaze immediately to the floor. “I took them from Tobias. He had them in his pocket.”

Hotch closes his eyes, digesting the truth as they'd feared it. "Why?” 

……….

Why? Why? Are they freaking kidding him? 

“I didn’t want you to find them!” Reid chokes out, pulling back and knocking Morgan away as he jumps up from the couch. “I know you all saw him beat me, I didn’t want you to know what else I let him do! I didn't want you to know how weak I really was!"

“Hey, kid calm down," Morgan tells him sternly, "you didn’t let him do anything, you were kidnapped, you had no control over anything that happened.”

Reid snorts and breathes deeply, trying to rein in his outrage at being asked that stupid question in the first place. The one that’s been plaguing him for what feels like forever and he still doesn’t have an answer to. ‘Why?’ 

Angry tears immediately threaten his eyelids, but even Hotch’s stern glare can’t make him rein them in right now. He knows it’s irrational to feel slighted, but certainly more preferable to the fear and regret settling deep inside his chest this very moment. Head spinning with the realisation he’s let his secret out Ethan's warning unexpectedly resonates in his mind and it raises a new question, one Reid thinks that maybe he can actually get an answer to…

"Did you know?" He sniffs eyeing the pair standing in front of him, the words barely making it past his lips.

"What?" Hotch sighs despondently.

Ordinarily that tone coming from him would have Spencer doing anything to make it better, but tonight his foolish side wins out and Reid pushes for the answer he so desperately needs to hear, even though he’s sure he’s not going to like it.

"Did you know?" He repeats lowly, almost spitting out the words.

Morgan’s still standing in front of him looking shocked by his defensive reaction, even though none of them should be under the circumstances. 

"Did we know what Reid?" Hotch’s tone is tired this time, but firm. Reid's pretty sure he's trying his patience. 

"What I was doing?" He explains, hands wiping away tears even as they're replaced by more. "Ethan said you all knew."

A look of recognition crosses both their faces, but it’s Hotch who speaks first.

"We suspected." 

They suspected. The confession hits Reid hard, harder than he thought possible. Looking to Morgan for confirmation the tense knot inside his stomach only gets tighter. His hands immediately start to shake and he feels dizzy, like all the blood is being drained from his body in one fell swoop. Reid stumbles falling back onto the couch, desperately needing to sit down again.

_‘You’re pathetic’ _a voice jibes and Reid doesn’t need to open his eyes to know neither one of the men beside him uttered those words.__

__"Reid breath, come on its okay calm down." Hotch coaches when he starts hyperventilating, pushing his head to rest between his knees._ _

__This is unbelievable, he’s suffering now because he'd chosen to stop taking the Dilaudid to protect his family from discovering the truth, but it was already too late! They already knew! He should have just carried on. How could he be so stupid to think he could fix this?_ _

__"Why didn't you do anything?" Spencer suddenly lifts his head, looking up at Hotch through pain filled eyes._ _

__"Reid-"_ _

__He’s only just becoming aware of how much his chest hurts._ _

__“Reid?”_ _

__He can’t breathe._ _

__“Reid!”_ _

__“What?!” He jumps up from the couch again, hating the sudden feeling of claustrophobia._ _

__Hotch's reaches out to him but Reid smacks his hands away, tearfully demanding to be left alone. With the indulgent pitying looks being aimed his way he feels like a toddler coming down from a major hissy fit, probably looks like one too with his face so flushed and tear stained._ _

__“Kid you need to sit down,” Morgan tries to reason with him while Hotch backs off._ _

__“No, actually what I need to do is leave,” he decides abruptly, thankful his breathing’s under control enough to walk despite the rest of him feeling like shit._ _

__“Kid you’re going nowhere,” Morgan mocks, stepping toward him each time Reid takes a step back, “we’ve got to talk about this.”_ _

__“Talk about what?” Reid snaps taking another step, bringing him level with the front door. “So you knew and didn’t say anything, so what? I let an unsub take me, drug me and kill another couple in front of me! I removed evidence from a crime scene because I was scared of what you’d think! I deserve to be fired!”_ _

__Angrily shaking his head at the clueless faces in front of him Reid spins on his heels to make his final move to leave._ _

__“Reid-” Morgan warns him lowly, “do not take another step or so help me I’ll…”_ _

__“You’ll what?” He tosses over his shoulder, scanning the floor looking for his shoes, “What could you possibly do to me that I haven’t already done to myself?”_ _

__He doesn’t hear whatever’s said next, too focused on the task of leaving, frustrated that he’s being held captive by the simple lack of footwear. Deciding he doesn’t need them any more than he needs to stay here and be patronised Reid reaches for the door handle. He expects Hotch and Morgan to be pissed at him, even yell, but isn’t prepared for the hands that grab him, arms looping around his waist yanking him back into the living room._ _

__Refusing to go quietly or calmly Reid fights for all his worth and lands a strategic blow which has Morgan propelling him to the floor. Regaining his balance quickly Reid jumps up and tries to make a run for the door again, but Hotch grabs his arm before he can get much passed the couch. Angrily trying to break free he pulls, but Hotch is prepared and brings his other arm around his chest, pinning him easily to his own body. Spencer kicks against Hotch's shins, but with his arms pinned the efforts nowhere near enough to effectively escape._ _

__“Let me go Hotch!” Reid screams uselessly. “Let me go!”_ _

__……_ _

__"Spencer!" Hotch snaps, his very tone calling for calm as Reid continues to scream at the top of his lungs._ _

__With him trapped and struggling violently against his chest Aaron’s just grateful to have strength and size on his side otherwise he’s sure he’d have more than a few bruises to worry about once this was done._ _

__“Kid, calm down,” Morgan recovers and tries to reach him, but it’s no good._ _

__Reid continues to kick and scream, demanding they let him go, which as cruel as this seems right now so isn’t happening._ _

__“Morgan grab his legs,” Hotch orders, seeing communicating as a lost cause._ _

__“What?”_ _

__“His legs, I can’t hold him like this forever, he’s going to hurt himself.”_ _

__Morgan hesitates a second, but eventually his loyalty and trust win out. Grabbing Reid’s legs, securing them on his second try receiving only one kick - to his thigh this time - Morgan lifts and together they transfer him back to lie down on the couch. The kid fights for all he's worth, but despite his tenacity it does nothing more than tire him out. Not great for Reid's self esteem he's sure, but right now they have bigger issues to worry about than his pride._ _

__“No! I’m not weak! Kill me, I won’t choose, I won’t.” Reid’s words continue in the same vein, his voice breaking a little more each time._ _

__It doesn’t take long for Hotch to recognise he isn’t talking to them anymore. Whenever the flashback started, whatever the trigger had been, Reid is lost in his memories right now and their priority is to help him find his way out._ _

__“Reid, kid, listen to me, your safe,” Morgan begins, recognising the signs same as him. “Me and Hotch are here and we’re not leaving you.”_ _

__After a further minute of screams mixing with strained whimpers Reid’s breathing eventually hitches and his failing body stiffens under their restraining hold. Hotch watches him swallow convulsively._ _

__“Morgan, fetch a bowl - quickly.” He says calmly feeling anything but, running a hand gently through Spencer’s sweat soaked curly hair._ _

__Thankfully Derek jumps up and grabs the waste paper basket from the dining room without question, returning to Reid’s side just in time for his body to spasm. Rolling him onto his side Hotch supports his head as Spencer loses what little lunch he may have tried eating today. He throws up a couple more times before finally, aside from the odd shiver running through the cold sweat soaked body Reid is mostly still._ _

__"Are you finished?" Hotch asks after a minute with no activity, words coming out harsher than he’d intended._ _

__Reid blinks and sits up, taking the water glass being offered, but doesn’t speak, hell he barely makes eye contact, wide brown eyes roaming the room until they settle on a spot somewhere between him and Morgan sitting at the other end of couch. Seeing the walls already going up Aaron makes a decision. Tapping Morgan on the shoulder he tilts his head towards the kitchen door. Derek isn’t happy about the order to leave judging by his wtf? expression, but his resigned nod indicates he at least accepts his judgement and agrees this next part needs to be one on one. Out numbering the poor kid is too close to bullying in Hotch’s mind and he knows Reid’s had far too much of that in his young life already._ _

__As soon as Morgan’s gone, giving Reid a shoulder squeeze of support on his way out, Hotch drops from his seat to kneel on the floor in front of him, looking him dead in the eye. “You’re going to be okay.”_ _

__“Somehow I doubt that.” Reid retorts dryly, voice raw thanks to all the screaming he’s been doing._ _

__

__“Small sips,” Hotch reminds gently, taking the now empty glass from Reid’s cold hands._ _

__

__“Hotch I’m so unbelievably sorry I-”_ _

__“Hey, now you listen to me” Hotch snaps gently, cutting him off, “you survived a serial killer. You gave us clues to find you and kept fighting. That's what you did Reid. You have nothing to be sorry for."_ _

__"Accept not telling you the truth." He answers through a fresh onslaught of silent tears._ _

__Hotch bites his lip, resisting every fatherly instinct he has in him to ensure they see this conversation through to the end._ _

__"You made a mistake, under the influence of drugs you were injected with against your will." He settles, not wanting to remove all culpability since he'll need to learn from this._ _

__Spencer keeps his head down sighing like he doesn't quite believe him, but the tears taper off so Hotch considers it as a win. They’re both physically and emotionally exhausted, and studying the very sorry young man in front of him he sees it as unlikely they'll be able to solve all the issues outstanding between them tonight._ _

__“When’s the last time you slept?” Hotch asks lightly, thinking he may already know the answer._ _

__Reid chuckles, the hysterical kind that often precedes a breakdown of some sort “Probably the last time I used the Dilaudid.”_ _

__Mentioning the elephant in the room has Reid drawing in on himself, legs coming up to tuck neatly underneath his backside as he makes as small a target out of himself as possible._ _

__Hotch does his best to act like he hasn't noticed and puts on a sad smile. “Well you may be the genius here, but I’m pretty sure the human body needs sleep to survive.”_ _

__Reid's head suddenly lifts, his tone unbelievably normal as he settles into his usual speech patterns. “It’s generally believed that the human body can go without food three times longer than it can go without sleep. Even though the exact length of time anyone can go without sleep hasn’t been determined the record for the longest period without sleep is 18 days, 21 hours, 40 minutes. The record holder reported hallucinations, paranoia, blurred vision, slurred speech and memory and concentration lapses.”_ _

__The spiel of random information is so comfortingly familiar Hotch is almost sad for it to end._ _

__“And exactly how long have you been without?” He asks raising an eyebrow._ _

__Reid looks all set to enthusiastically answer too, until he realises the point of the question._ _

__“I’ve tried, but…” he drops the sentence, turning away managing to look embarrassed despite his already flushed cheeks from all the tears._ _

__Believing he knows what’s keeping Reid from achieving anything close to sleep Hotch strives to fix it. Pulling his tired body up from the floor Aaron collapses next to Reid on the couch with a weary sigh and pitching his head back against the cushions slips an arm under the kids back, pulling him roughly to his side hoping this not only communicates just how important he is to them - to him, but also allows both of them to get a decent nights rest._ _

__“You have a nightmare feel free to wake me.” Hotch tells him casually, making himself comfortable, knowing full well if the kid has a nightmare he’ll be the first to know – likely alerted by a bony elbow to the gut._ _

__“But... I’ve let you all down.” Reid sniffs after a few deep breathes, relaxing into the hold and soothing quicker than Hotch would have thought possible considering the only other time he's held Reid like this was when he was already in the throes of a full blown breakdown and totally unaware of what was happening._ _

__"No we let you down." Hotch opens his eyes and stares at the ceiling, hearing the truth in his own words. "I knew you were struggling. I should have helped you sooner."_ _

__“I didn't exactly give anyone the chance," Reid shrugs under his grip, but Hotch senses some hesitation._ _

__"What?"_ _

__Looking over Hotch sees Reid's eyebrows draw together in a way Prentiss often calls his 'overthinking it' face. “It’s nothing.”_ _

__“Reid I think after tonight you can pretty much tell me anything." He quips, indicating their compromising position._ _

__Spencer nods slowly against his chest and Hotch can tell he’s weighing the truth in his words._ _

__"When Raphael … when I knew I was dying I thought about you guys... that you would m-miss me...." Hotch feels the slim body tense under his grip and squeezes his shoulder, "...until I overheard you say you loved me I was beginning to think I’d been wrong.”_ _

__The quiet gravelly and vulnerable voice is Hotch’s undoing, he can't believe they let Reid think they didn't care, even if it was the drugs planting the initial seeds of doubt. Feeling the head rolling off his chest across his arm Hotch senses Spencer looking up at him expectantly. He wants answers. That’s something they've all been short on of late, however because he knows he owes him at least this much, with a deep soul destroying sigh Hotch tries to give him one._ _

__“I guess when bad things happen to people we care about it's easier to ignore the problem and hope it'll go away on its own. All anyone really wants is for things to go back to the way they were so they don’t have to deal with it.” He says wistfully, knowing that’s exactly how he’s been feeling since making the mistake of sending JJ and Reid into the field alone, while at the same time hoping Spencer isn't insulted by him over simplifying it._ _

__"That's stupid." Reid blurts voice steady, as if they were sitting in the BAU briefing room not cuddled together on his couch._ _

__Hotch is so drained he can’t hold in the short laugh which bursts from his lips uncensored. Needless to say it isn’t the reaction he’d been expecting._ _

__"That's like wishing for a time machine." Reid continues indignantly, apparently unfazed by his reaction._ _

__"Actually I think its called denial." Hotch quips, blaming the apparent refusal to understand his analogy on the many mitigating factors affecting his boy genius' intelligence right now. “What I’m saying is we care." He smiles softly this time, speaking plainly since Reid's determined to take whatever he says literally. "We all care, but we let our emotions cloud our judgement.”_ _

__“It’s easier to ignore something and pretend it never happened than admit the problem.” Reid finally nods in shy understanding, going back to his original position resting his head against Hotch’s chest. “Kind of like my mom after an episode. Maybe you’re all schizophrenic.” The little chuckle at the end indicates it’s a joke and Aaron allows another small smile to grace his normally stoic features._ _

__To Kid's the world is pretty black and white, there’s good or bad, right or wrong and no in-between. It’s a view point most grow out of, but not Spencer, five or twenty-five to him it's still the same way. He thinks logically, like everything's a puzzle to be solved. It takes time for him to grasp the meaning of anything that doesn't really make sense in his world. That isn't to say he can't recognise emotion in others, he has plenty of empathy even if he doesn’t fully understand what to do with it. Reid was probably the first to notice something was up with Elle before she left. He remembers after the shooting Reid had come to him admitting his mistake in not telling someone else on the team, letting them talk to her instead. Hotch understood right then that Reid rarely ignores what's in front of him, even when he doesn't quite comprehend it. He hopes that includes what he’s about to say next._ _

__“Spencer,” Hotch pauses, gathering emotional strength, “we let you down when you needed us most and for that I am truly sorry, but I want you to know something.”_ _

__"What?" Reid asks sleepily, completely unawares as to where this conversation is heading._ _

__"No matter what you think right now I love you, Morgan loves you, Gideon, JJ, Garcia, even Emily, we all love you and nothing you've done can ever change that,” Keeping his arm wrapped around him Hotch pulls Reid in tighter, “I promise.”_ _

__There’s a moments pensive silence where he isn’t sure what reaction to expect to this sudden outpouring, considering his usual M.O in these situations is to remain the strong, stoic silent type. Even though out of everyone on the team Hotch knows he’s always been a little more demonstrative with Spencer that doesn’t mean the kid’s not going to be freaked by his sudden emotive sharing. But after another minute with no response Hotch gives in, lifting his head off the couch cushions he turns his head, directing his gaze downwards to look the kid in the eye._ _

__And that’s when he discovers exactly what his words have done._ _

__…._ _

__Morgan stands in the kitchen doorway, watching the silent pair together on the couch. When he first left the room he’d stayed completely out of the way, but after ten minutes of it being way too quiet became curious. Another ten minutes and he was damn right near hyperventilating. He’d expected some shouting, from both Reid and Hotch. Though mainly Hotch, he had a feeling he needed him out of the way so when he raked the kid over the coals he’d have someone to run to for comfort, but sneaking up on the door, peaking inside the living room after a full forty-five minutes with barely a raised voice Morgan is both amused and pleasantly surprised with what he finds._ _

__He’s always believed Spencer’s one true super power isn’t his eidetic memory or his speed reading or the incredible IQ, it’s his natural ability to get passed even the most hard edged of exteriors and have them bend to his will._ _

__Morgan had known Hotch only a year longer than Reid, yet in that year he thought he had him pegged. He smiled rarely, but mainly outside the office. He loved his wife and his job, which he took extremely seriously. He was cool calm and collected in the face of any danger and when a political agenda arose he shot it down like John-goddam-Wayne, but probably most importantly of all he never took crap from anyone. That is until Spencer Reid joined the team._ _

__That’s not to accuse Reid of purposefully being a pain in the ass. He’s just young and lacks experience - of anything. Morgan doesn’t disagree with the more guiding hand Hotch uses with him on occasion. What he’d learned in that same first year about himself was that the job can make you jaded, to the point Derek was seeing everyone in his life as an unsub in waiting. Then Spencer comes along with his strange mannerisms and general all round weirdness and gives him a little hope. His existence proves that people can be strange without being a sociopath, psychopath or in a psychotic break. Deep down Morgan knows he knew that from the start, but being surrounded by a lot of the same alpha males and gun holding girls he had begun to suffer from narrow vision. Reid’s unfathomable optimism actually rekindled his belief in humanity. Having Garcia join the team a few months later only doubled that belief._ _

__Thinking of what his baby girl is going to make of all this has him troubled. They all love and want to protect each other, but none more so than Reid. It’s that idea of innocence he projects, Garcia said as much to him at the Hankel farm. Morgan knows Reid is nowhere as innocent as he looks, even if that is hard to believe right now with their super tough drill sergeant of a Unit Chief cuddling him to sleep on his own living room couch._ _

__"How the hell does he do it?" Morgan says quietly with a dry smile, placing a coffee on the table directly in front of Hotch._ _

__"Do what?" Hotch says equally quiet, opening his eyes and feigning incomprehension._ _

__Morgan smiles smugly, sitting down on the opposite couch, large hands wrapped tightly around his own coffee mug. "It’s not going to be easy is it?" He says after a minute’s pleasant silence, looking happy but serious._ _

__"No," Hotch admits, looking down at Reid resting peacefully against his chest. "But we do whatever it takes."_ _

__They make eye contact, and a silent message passes between them. Morgan raises his mug just as Hotch leans carefully forward to grab his._ _

__"Whatever it takes"_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's the big reveal, hope it wasn't too ooc but I figure a drugs withdrawals got to be less than pleasant. All my medical research comes off the net and old episode's of ER. Let me know what you think, thanks for reading and hope you continue; )
> 
> (Sleep study ref: The national Sleep Research Project – 40 amazing facts about sleep www.abc.net.au/science/sleep/fact.htm)


	16. Chapter 16

Ashes and Dust

Heading out to San Francisco Hotch was already feeling tired and emotionally drained thanks to their resident problem child, so he isn’t surprised he lost some objectivity on this case. A case which from the beginning seemed to mirror the direction of his own life at the moment, one desperate situation presenting itself after another, all out of his control and completely unfair. 

The night Reid admitted to his problem he fell to sleep right there on his sofa. He and Morgan stayed with him, drank plenty of coffee to stay awake expecting a nightmares, but none came and that’s when Hotch knew he couldn’t do this alone. Reid needed every one of them supporting him, and like he’d said to Morgan that night, ‘whatever it takes.’ Thankfully one very stern, uncompromising phone call from him was all it took for Jason to finally step back into the role of mentor, though Hotch can tell even now one foot is definitely still out the door. He understands it’s not just about Reid, Gideon was already walking a fine line in regards to the job, has been since Boston. Reid's kidnapping, his death however temporary on his hands is just one more nail in his proverbial coffin. In reality there’s not much more Hotch can do for him, they've come to blows several times in the last few days, mostly regarding Reid's presence at work while he's in withdrawal. Hotch is allowing him to continue traveling on cases, but only if he doesn't leave the police stations. Gideon’s none too pleased with the restriction and that’s put some unwelcomed distance between them, but filling the gap in leadership synchronicity has been Prentiss. Emily has stepped up, during this case especially, keeping both him and Reid on their toes. Though out of the loop of the whole story she knows something’s going on and is clearly prepared to do whatever it takes to help them survive it. Something he could kiss her for quite frankly. Although he still isn't 100% sure how she got assigned to the BAU without his or Gideon's recommendation Hotch is unbelievably grateful she did, whatever god looks out for awkward, skinny child prodigies must have been working overtime that day.

As for Morgan, he’s been staying with Reid again, ensuring he behaves while not under Hotch’s watchful eye at work and, mostly importantly, takes his prescription on time. If the doctor’s prognosis is correct he'll be weaned of the drug just outside of two months. It hadn't been easy getting him to go at first, his overall attitude being that he could do this without special help, but Hotch doesn’t think he'll ever forget the look on Reid's face when the doctor frankly informed them that had he gone any longer without proper medical assistance the only outcome would have been his death and, as if that hadn't been enough to scare him, began listing in gruesome detail the various ways the body can shut down due to narcostics abuse. Remembering the conversation sends a chill up Hotch's spine even now. 

Good news is although the withdrawal symptoms may last longer, they’re at least manageable, bad news... Reid's taken a serious knock to his confidence and as a coping mechanism has regressed back to the painfully shy, nervous kid he was when he first joined the team, before he found his footing and became sure of their intentions. Luckily JJ and Garcia are helping him there, Penelope in particular being excellent at drawing him out of his closed off shell. They know about the updated report, but like Prentiss neither has been officially told about Reid’s current issues with Dilaudid. That’ll be up to Reid to share when he’s ready. Hotch suspects they all already know of course, but are willing to give him the idea of control if nothing else. 

The reminder of what great people he works with makes him smile, a smile that fades as soon as Hotch remembers the other situation causing him sleepless nights at the moment. Aside from Reid being a constant concern for him things with Haley are becoming strained. She's demanding more and more from him recently. Maybe it's the baby that's changed her attitude towards his chosen profession, but as much as he loves his family he cannot say he doesn't love his job any less and admitting that truth is what hurts the most. He thinks she's coming close to offering an ultimatum and needs to find a way to show her that it isn’t going to be that simple. He can't walk away from his work family anymore than he could her and Jack. 

Pushing those thoughts away for now, adding the last signiture to the PD's case file Hotch sits back with an air of finality. While the rest of the team are packing up their things at the hotel he's sitting alone in the precinct, waiting for JJ to close up with a final press conference to ensure the EDF don't get any backlash for Vincent Stiles crimes. Though technically the case was concluded with moderate success - they got the bastard - it isn’t the outcome he'd been hoping for. But then maybe he was stupid for expecting it to end any other way. There were plenty of low moments during their search for the unsub even before Evan Abby decided to take matters into his own hands by taking his life. As if one man murdering entire families for kicks wasn't enough, Reid innocently comparing arsonists to drug addicts during the profile nearly sent Hotch over the edge very early on. 

'Impossible to stop without help'

The submissive glance he'd given them after uttering those damning words, a look of desolation mixed with shy gratitude like none ever seen on the kid’s young face before, it was both heart melting and heartbreaking. Coupled with everything else going on at the moment he'd wanted to give up and go home there and then. 

Funnily enough now he can go home Hotch isn't sure he wants to. Not being in the best frame of mind should Haley want to talk to him. Feeling like banging his head against the table Hotch pushes the completed paper work to one side and picks up the letter Abby's charged him to deliver to his son. Why him he doesn’t know. No that’s a lie. He knows. Abby would have made a good profiler. He read Hotch as easily as any of his team. Identified with him, his current worries over Reid and the problems he has at home with Haley mirroring those with his own wife and son. Hotch knows his mistakes just as well as Abby knew his and strives everyday not to repeat them. Like he’d told Gideon when they were trying to plot his next move; he puts as much heart in soul into being a father and husband as he does into his job. 

At least he tries to. Haley thinks it isn’t enough. He’s not sure what will be. 

Reid is learning from his mistakes too and Hotch intends to be there for him as much as he can be, like he's there for Jack as much as he can be. It's just a crying shame he can’t be there always - for both of them.

As he’s contemplating his general worth as a father, like Abby would have done in his final moments, Reid slips into the empty chair opposite. He’s the last person Hotch expected to see here right now, and not only because he's supposed be with the others at the hotel. Ever since that team dynamic-changing night at his house Reid has been trying to rebuild what professional boundaries they had in place before Tobias Hankel, in an effort to achieve something only he can explain. Hotch knows he should call him out it before the avoiding behaviour goes too far, but between home and work, Reid's embarrassment over recent events is rather low on his list of problems to solve right now.

"Did you want something?" Hotch asks after too long a silence, without taking his eyes off the letter.

“You’re a good father.” Reid speaks slightly awkwardly.

His voice is quiet, almost childlike and looking up Hotch blinks like he's breaking out of a deep sleep.

“What?” He asks, not to challenge, but to double check what he just heard. 

“You’re a good father,” Reid repeats, arms coming up to rest on the table forming a barrier between them. “You’re doing the best you can. You’re not giving up. You never give up.”

The sentence is disjointed and unusually simple for Spencer, but the passion is real and in direct contrast to the hunched shoulders, lack of eye contact and defensive arm position, which all point to someone trying to conceal their true feelings. Its actually classic Reid in distress behaviour tnough and Hotch wonders, not for the first time since their ordeal began, if he’ll ever overcome this ingrained vulnerability.

“Sometimes best is not good enough.” Hotch says solemnly in answer, only thinking his best, not anyone else’s.

“But in the end that’s all anyone can ask.” Reid says equally solemn, like he has some experience of the subject.

Studying him with narrowed eyes Hotch, trying to make sense of this surreal conversation, watches what little eye contact they've managed drop away and not being in the mood for games prepares to order Reid to wait for him and JJ in the SUV. Then he remembers a conversation over beer and Thai food. After the Fisher King, when Morgan found out about Reid’s mother, the team friendlily forced him to explain a few things. Hotch has known about his mother since before he joined the BAU. He had not known the status of his father until that day.

“Do you think your dad did his best?”

It isn’t a question Hotch planned on asking, doesn’t know it's coming until it leaves his mouth but he needs to know how Jack might see him in years to come, as a young man like Spencer. Reid may have way more issues, burdened with too many responsibilities a child should never have taken on, but at his core he knows how it feels to grow up with an absent father. 

“The day my dad left, my mom asked him to take me with him,” Reid must have clocked his look of surprise because he hastens to add. “Just for a little while. She didn’t want to be sick, she wanted to get better.”

“What happened?” Hotch doesn't comment on the obvious. You manage schizophrenia, you don't get better.

“He refused.” Reid shrugs, unable to sit still all of a sudden, “sent me a letter a week later explaining why he thought it was for the best. Said goodbye. I never saw him again. Don’t even know where he lives.”

The words are spoken lightly, but Hotch can hear a world in hurt in them, poor kids clearly never understood why his dad didn't want him. Then again, thinking of Jack in the same position he can't understand it either. 

“Spencer,” Hotch sighs, unable to keep the look of pity off his face.

“I know I’m an FBI agent,” he hastens to add. “I can track him down. I don’t need to. He made it clear he wasn’t going to be my dad anymore and that was his choice. He wasn’t willing to do his best no matter what.” Reid stops fidgeting and looks at him pointedly on those last words.

Maintaining the only eye contact Reid’s managed through their entire conversation Hotch falls back in his seat with a thunk. Touched and warmed by the sentiment. 

It's true he whole heartedly sympathised with Evan Abby’s situation, his family issues and the cancer. Hotch has never been a fan of talking about the past and includes his abusive father in that, but whether it's a dad that knocks you around like his or one that abandons you like Reid's, dads are dads at the end of the day and no matter Abby's mistakes he was only trying to do better. 

Unlike Reid’s dad who couldn’t and Abby who didn’t until it was too late, Hotch knows he is still trying to do his best every day and that, apparently, is what matters most. Aaron smiles softly at Spencer who shyly smiles back. Hopefully if he's lucky, in twenty years Jack will see it the exact same way.


	17. Chapter 17

Eight months later….

 

“And… what could I have told her?”

“That one of my agents might have murdered a suspect in cold blood. Or that another might have a serious drug problem.”

..

Catching the flight to Milwaukee with Prentiss to join his team was the easy part. It’s waiting the flight out, knowing he’s already made his decision which is becoming hard to deal with. Haley isn’t going to be happy, but then she's not been happy for a while. His two weeks suspension allowed him some quality time with Jack but between him and Haley things have been strained. He honestly believes she's having an affair and as horrible as that sounds Hotch can't bring himself to blame her. He understands how hard it must be having him gone so often despite the fact he's never had a regular hour’s job and can't fault her for wanting him to be around more. The problem is the BAU isnt just a job to him, it’s who he is and try as she might to convince him otherwise there's no way that's going to change. These people are as much his family as her and Jack, he can only hope when he gets back that he can get Haley to understand that. 

Someone else who he thought felt the same way is Gideon. He lives and breathes the BAU and Hotch didn’t believe that core drive to catch the killers would ever change, even if the man behind it did. That is until their last case together. The one after Frank. The one that lead to their joint suspension. 

Sitting back in his seat as the plane taxis out of the terminal Hotch tries to clear his mind, but his thoughts can’t help but drift back to Gideon, and the last conversation they had on the jet. 

_“Are you alright?” Hotch slides into the seat opposite Gideon on the plane home from Flagstaff._

_He feels bad for earlier and though normally wouldn't let it show is still concerned, for all of the team, so much so he's struggling to keep it to himself._

_“Have you ever had a moment where you believe nothing can hurt more?” Gideon says whimsically, looking away from the window for the first time since he sat down._

_“I believe I’ve had several of those.” Hotch nods neutrally._

_Gideon stares contently forward, masking his true emotions and Hotch follows the gaze over his shoulder to see the team sitting together. Reid’s smiling broadly reacting to something Morgan’s obviously said if the matching grins on Prentiss and JJ’s faces are any indication. It's been so long since he's seen them looking happy Hotch hadn’t realised how much he's missed it until now._

_“Look at him, not a care. He’s had us all worrying for months yet he’s already moved on.”_

_Hotch knows the ‘Him’ he’s referring to is Reid. He never did ask exactly what he talked to Reid about in New Orleans, is aware asking Gideon such a question is redundant because he’ll only ever share as much as he wants you to know and if he wanted Hotch to know he’d have told him by now. But still. Somehow that conversation is weighing heavily between them now._

_Instead of asking the question he shakes his head, tries to deflect, “That’s not fair-”_

_“I can’t.” Gideon interrupts before any point can be made._

_“Can’t what?” Hotch asks in surprise, neck hairs on end with the tone, worried what he may say next, worried he can’t talk him out of it._

_“I can’t protect him, I couldn’t protect Sarah. How do I do this job knowing I can’t keep those we care about safe?” Gideon shrugs tone so cold dread builds up inside Hotch’s chest._

_“We keep each other safe,” He affirms sternly._

_“I failed Steven. I was certain when I met Reid I would not fail him in the same way.”_

_"Stephen's what, 28 now? There's still time."_

_"He's a grown man with his own life, he doesn’t need me anymore."_

_"Yet you think Reid does?" Hotch snaps mockingly, questioning Gideon’s logic and staying away from the subject of Sarah, which is clearly his wish._

_"Reid's different."_

_"How? He's younger, that’s all." Hotch pushes. “Gideon we all need someone not matter how old we get, but you have to loosen the reins sometimes or Reid will never grow up.”_

_"You think I baby him?"_

_“I think your haven’t failed him Jason.” Hotch sighs._

_“Neither have you,” Gideon's eyes land on him knowingly, a slight smile curving his lip._

_Hotch closes his eyes, wants to kick himself for falling into the trap. He heard his own words and felt the truth of it. He hasn’t failed Reid. But he’s been thinking it. Questioning his own decision making regardless of his advice to JJ, to Morgan. This has all been one big game. He should have known Gideon would use his own doubts to help ease his too._

_“It's an amazing thing about the young,” Gideon smiles, wider this time, “no matter what happens to them kids can always find a way to bounce back.” ___

__The young comment seemed innocuous at the time, but with Gideon MIA and likely to stay that way Hotch is beginning to think there was more being said in that conversation than he’d realised. Gideon had been telling him something in his usual cryptic round about way, something important. Maybe that the young can move on, but the old - old like him - they have nothing left. If that’s the case Hotch doesn’t know where he fits in with that analogy. He’s no longer a young man, but he certainly doesn’t consider himself old, even if technically he’s old enough to be a father to at least one member of his team. And even so, in that case it’s not that he’s old, the team member in question just happens to be very young. Or is that just semantics? Regardless of its relation to his own circumstances Gideon seemed to have solved something within him that night, but whatever that was Hotch remembers his final smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. A decision already made Hotch realises now. A decision Hotch fears is going rock the already shaky foundations the team is trying to rebuild._ _

__“What are you thinking?” Prentiss interrupts his thoughts with a teasing smile._ _

__Hotch blinks, blushes slightly at being caught day dreaming, and sits up straighter in their cramped seats, “nothing, just…”_ _

__“Just?” she pushes._ _

__She always has to push._ _

__“Kids, actually,” he admits grudgingly, knowing they have a two hour flight together and she likely won't stop asking so needs to give her something._ _

__“Ah Reid,” Emily nods turning away, tone mocking and superior._ _

__He snaps his gaze to hers, glaring an explanation out of her._ _

__“Oh come on!” She scoffs with a laugh. “I’d think we’d know if something was up with Jack and unless you have a third family we know nothing about Reid’s the only other ‘kid’ that would put that look on your face.”_ _

__“Really?” Hotch grunts, wondering how he ever expected anything less from her._ _

__“Yes,” she says more softly. “So what is it?”_ _

__“I’m not sure if Gideon’s coming back to the BAU and I’m worried how Reid is going to take it.”_ _

__“You talked to him?” Emily’s shocked too, which means Reid’s reaction is going to be far worse._ _

__“After our last case together,” Hotch nods, “He said a few things and…”_ _

__“You have a feeling…” Emily fills in softly._ _

__“I had my doubts as to whether any of us would survive the last few months.”_ _

__“Well what we do is already hard enough, but having the bad guys making it personal… ” She eyes him seriously, “well that just plain sucks.”_ _

__Hotch can’t help it. He laughs. She’s right of course, no way were any of them capable of functioning reasonably after what they’d been through. Hunting killers of strangers was hard enough, but it was their job. Hunting a killer who had been holding their youngest teammate hostage… that made them all the victims and victims needed time to recover._ _

__“Gideon was the last person I was worried about coping, but Reid’s actually doing the best out of all of us now.”_ _

__Prentiss nods thoughtfully. “It makes sense I guess, I remember the younger I was the easier it seemed to be able to pick up and start again.”_ _

__“Funny,” Hotch grins._ _

__“What is?”_ _

__“Gideon said something very similar.”_ _

__Gideon was so sure Reid would make it mostly unscathed that the extent of the damage, how not okay Reid was, smashed the ideals he had of him. Knowing Jason, despite his own words, he likely thinks he was stupid to believe he could bring a kid into this life without hurting him, that he could possibly protect him when he couldn’t even protect himself from the horrors they faced every day and if Gideon’s made his decision then Hotch knows there’s no way he’ll be able to talk him out of it._ _

__..._ _


	18. Chapter 18

In Name and Blood

 

“You’ll do anything to be the perfect child.”

"What?" Reid jumps in his seat, looking up from the book he’s holding open but most definitely not reading.

Hotch shakes his head, dismissing the question as squeezes the kid’s shoulder, "You okay?”

“I’m okay,” Reid puts the book down on the jets small table, pushing it to the side dismissing it as if it never existed. “I’m still worried about Gideon.”

Hotch ignores that, he doesn’t want to say something that will only cause more upset despite feeling like Gideon may well be gone for good. Looking down at Reid, earnest wide eyes begging him for answers, he remembers their conversation from a few months ago over Evan Abby's letter and Hotch knows it's time to return that favour.

“You know we all bring something of ourselves into this job, into the profiles.” He pauses, sliding into the seat opposite. “I know when you said the kid wasn’t a problem child, that he would care about being on time for school, not the dad, that you were talking from experience.”

Reid smiles sadly, averting his gaze. “Teachers tend to notice bad behaviour and look for a cause. Good behaviour’s rarely questioned. Despite her illness I did everything I could to avoid being taken away from my mom. And I thought this boy might feel the same way. His dad was all he had left, like me and my mom it wasn’t ideal but-” Reid shrugs, as if that explains everything.

“He was his dad and he loved him regardless of what he was doing.”

“I guess kids aren’t exactly logical.” Reid shrugs again shyly, the repetitive action making him look twitchy. 

“No they certainly aren’t.” Hotch says with a fond smile. 

They stare at each other for a long time. Reid looks away first, a secret shared between them. Hotch isn’t worried. He’s planted the seed of trust now all he can do is wait for it to grow. He stands and starts walking back to his own seat, but pauses by Reid’s side.

“I know it’s not been easy with everything that’s happened in the last eight months, but with how far you’ve come against so many odds, I want you to know… I am and always have been very proud of you Spencer.”

...

Reid wakes up suddenly in a panic palms’ grabbing the arm rests in a death grip. The click of the trigger as it ejects its empty round repeats a few more times in his mind forcing him up on his feet. Heart beating nearly out his chest Reid scans the jet seeking out someone, anyone. His eyes land on Hotch first, sitting alone in the seats nearest the small couch he normally sleeps on. Without missing a beat Reid shuffles down the aisle slipping into the spare seat next to him without a word. Hotch turns to look at him in surprise and Reid realises this hasn’t happened in a long while. 

Ever since he spilled his secret he’s tried to get things back to normal. Staying with Morgan had made that goal difficult at first, but they eventually talked it through and… well it helped, things between them were fairly routine again. Unfortunately the same couldn’t be said for the rest of the team. Even though Hotch had been so nice to him his embarrassment won out and whenever they were in the office or on a case Reid found himself unable to look at him without remembering all the shouting, tears and hugs. It was only on the jet, the night flights especially that he didn’t care about any of that. Something about the solitude changed everything and it suddenly felt okay to need, to want comfort. After a nightmare like the one he’d just had his desire to cope alone dissipates, all he wants is to feel safe again and Reid knows there’s only one true, tried and tested way he can get that. So far Hotch has obliged every time.

This time however he looks at him and Reid’s a little unsure of his welcome considering the team changes in the last few weeks, even though Hotch said long ago it would always be okay no matter what. 

“Reid, you okay?” 

He must have been staring to have that questioned asked. Can’t answer though, so he looks down at the table pulling his shaking hands inside his sleeve cuffs to hide the tremors, unfortunately it doesn’t stop the shivers being visible all over his body. Reid says nothing, but Hotch seems to get the message and makes room for him at his side. Spencer ducks under the raised arm and instantly presses up against his side, his resolve to keep things normal having no more life left in it than a carnival goldfish. Reid knows it's stupid, but the hold instantly chases the demons away. The sound of the gun fades the second the warmth from Hotch’s body transfers to his and somehow knowing he isn’t alone makes his fears disappear. Even as weak as he feels right now he knows he isn’t yet ready to face these moments alone. 

…

Emily walks down the aisle of the jet having watched Reid wake up looking disturbed. She'd been sitting in the far corner opposite ready to offer a friendly ear, but before she could even ask if he’s okay Reid was up, heading towards the rear of the jet. Even in the dim lighting Spencer looks pale, the dark circles around his eyes indicating peaceful sleep has been eluding him a lot recently. Now seeing him settled next to Hotch, eyes shut, breathing calm and under control again she realises something.

"How you doing?” she asks softly, sliding into the opposite seat.

Emily watches him scan the rest of the jet for ease droppers before answering.

“I’m fine. You?” He indicates the cut on her head with his one free hand.

“Oh, you know, headache makes it difficult to sleep.” She chuckles.

They drop into silence and Emily finds herself staring at the pair sitting before her.

“You think he’d be better off if I make him deal with it alone.” Hotch reads her mind.

She frowns at being caught. It isn’t really a question; his tone suggests he's testing her. So thinking it through instead of arguing or answering Emily processes what’s happened on this and the few other cases she's noticed Reid wake up from a nightmare and immediately seek out Hotch.

“No,” Emily surprises herself, “you know he’ll sleep better this way.” 

Hotch nods, acknowledging but not really explaining how he came to that conclusion. Though Emily can guess. Reid isn’t exactly the alpha male type, when he tries to hide his feelings from them it isn’t out of pride, it’s out of fear. Fear of them thinking less of him. There’s nothing like going through something like he did with Hankel, knowing your friends have seen you suffer, witnessed your tears and having to carry on like everyone hasn’t seen you at your most vulnerable. He’s the baby of the team and always will be, but even the baby has to grow up and that’s hard when everyone around you never sees you as anything different. 

Emily stares at Hotch before directing her gaze back to Reid, accepting that getting him to say anything out right is a long shot at best. “You really don’t want to leave do you?”

“Neither do you.” He calmly shoots back.

“Oh I’m staying. No matter what Strauss says.” She smiles cunningly, keeping her voice low so the sleeping section chief doesn’t hear her.

“I have some things to sort out.” Hotch nods, voiced pitched equally low.

While not definitive, it’s more of an answer than Emily could have hoped for. “So long as you know, you don’t have to do this alone.”

Reid coughs in his sleep, interrupting any reply Hotch might have made, jerking his hands and making a distressed sound. Emily sits up straighter, ready to assist where necessary because she knows what it will feel like when he wakes up. Being alive, surviving is one thing, but carrying on after a traumatic event is the hardest. The nightmares fade but the memory of the experience never goes away, and for someone like Reid she can’t imagine how hard that must be. However despite her preparations Hotch is just as prepared. Like it’s nothing Hotch rests his palm over Reid’s and squeezes gently until he relaxes, leaving his hand where it is as if it’s completely normal. Reid’s frown eventually smooth’s and he drifts back into a dreamless REM sleep.

“I didn’t just come off a desk job,” she announces out of the blue, answering the unasked question from all those months ago. 

The trust she sees here between these two usually close off personalities convinces her to be open for once. To not be so defensive. To unconditionally believe that whatever she says she can say freely and without judgement. 

“You were stationed overseas for a while?” Hotch doesn’t miss a beat, not even fazed by the conversational 180.

“Yes” she answers nervously, suspecting he already knows more than she can tell him anyway and had been waiting for an opportunity just like this, “I was involved in several projects.”

Emily holds her breath, she can’t exactly come out and say 'oh hey, I worked undercover for the CIA' but at the same time she hopes Hotch understands it isn’t because she doesn’t want to. It’s called a clandestine agency for a reason after all.

Hotch nods, even smiles, and they both relax. Whatever he reads in her face and body language apparently her willingness to offer the information is enough. Before anything more can be said to close the conversation for good Reid turns in his sleep, nose pressing against Hotch’s neck. He laughs quietly, obviously touched, but if she’s not mistaken also a little embarrassed by the gesture. Sure they're two very different people on the surface, yet anyone could be forgiven for thinking they share a familial relationship simply by observing their interactions. 

Releasing a long held breath Emily relaxes. Things maybe not go completely back to normal, how they were before Hankel. Relationships have shifted, but from what she can see the team has only grown closer, not apart. Whatever dark clouds have been plaguing them recently, as the weeks have drawn on it feels as if those clouds have lifted and suddenly everything seems brighter. Emily is going to do her best to ensure it stays that way.


	19. Chapter 19

Six weeks later...

"I want to talk about what happened back in February.” the psychiatrist sits back in his chair looking very self-assured.

“I’m sorry you need to be more specific.” Reid deflects, feeling the complete opposite.

He's been on the edge of his seat since the session began, his bi-weekly appointments when he's in the office becoming a hindrance to his work.

“The Tobias Hankel case.”

Hearing that name Reid pales instantly, and by the look on the doctor's face it’s exactly the reaction he was hoping for. 

“I’m sorry... I, I... er thought I was here because of Gideon.” He hates that he stutters.

“An evaluation of your team was requested after the departure of Agent Gideon, and the surrounding issues with the potential breaking up of the team, yes.” the doctor's very tone suggests a challenge, his expression daring him, asking 'what of it?'

“Hotch and Emily both decided to stay." He blurts in panic, revealing much more about his personal relationship with his colleagues than he means to. "There’s no problem, we have Agent Rossi now, we’re fine.”

The doctor scribbles something in the notebook on his lap and Reid shifts in his seat while he's not looking, trying to get a look.

“Dr Reid,” Spencer immediately drops back, feining innocent, “I’m not the enemy. I want to help you deal with this in the healthiest way possible so you can do your job.”

“I’m the only one still seeing you aren’t I?” The dread the realisation brings heard clearly in his tone.

Again Reid knows he's letting his body language and facial expression reveal too much when he hears the doctors next question. “What do you dream about Dr Reid?”

“What?” Spencer looks up meekly.

“In your previous sessions with me you’ve mentioned suffering nightmares after the Hankel incident."

“What’s that got to do with this?” he makes a face, shrugs and moves on, “I don’t need to see you about that.”

“What we dream about gives an insight into our state of mind. After such a horrific experience I think your subconscious may have resurfaced some issues you thought you buried."

“I remember everything.” Reid points out defensively, trying to gain the upper hand.

“Spencer, I’m well aware of your eidetic memory but even someone like you can supress memory you don’t want to acknowledge and given these circumstances it makes sense that whatever avenues you relived after such a traumatic event are ones you’ve tried you’re hardest to bury again and again. They need to be dealt with, you’re not a child anymore, it’s about time.”

Spencer drops his head, feeling sad and stupid and wanting to give up. The alarm on the doctor’s watch goes off like clockwork and he sighs disappointedly.

“We’ll pick this up in our next session…” He packs his things quickly and shows Spencer to the door.

Reid leaves just as quickly, dashing out of the office and up the stairs to the next floor not even bothering to wait for the elevator. He practically runs into the bullpen, but it seems it's lunch time already because no one from his team is around. Scanning the room he spots Hotch walking around the desk in his office. Heading up the stairs, heart fluttering Reid picks up his pace but falters upon catching sight of Strauss standing by the open door. He steps back quickly, near tripping over his feet to get away from the windows before she sees him. Now floundering in the middle of the mezzanine upset, alone and unable to run to anyone for comfort Reid starts to panic.

“Spencer?”

Breathing quick and erratic he spins around at the unexpected calm and inquisitive call of his name.

“Agent Rossi?” he squeaks in surprise at the man poking his head out of Gideon’s old office. “I’m fine.” 

He studies him silently and Reid averts his eyes, internally kicking himself.

“I didn’t ask, but okay” Rossi speaks smoothly, “I have heard you lie better though.” He adds artfully before turning to go back inside his office.

Reid would’ve frowned at that had he not been so focused on keeping himself together. The last thing he wants to do is to make an idiot out of himself in front of David Rossi, someone whom he's greatly admired for a long time, even if it is from a distance. Feeling his heart still hammering in his chest from his session with the world’s most aggressive shrink, who Reid is beginning to think has an agenda bigger than making him uncomfortable, he takes a minute to think. Looking back to see if Hotch is still busy he notes someone has shut the door, Strauss hasn’t passed him so assumes she's still in there too. 

“Why don’t you come inside?” 

Reid whips his head back around to discover Rossi hovering on the precipice of his office, watching him carefully.

“I think they’re going to be a while,” he nods at Hotch’s closed door.

Breathing still heavy Reid watches Rossi carefully as he reaches out, offering his hand.

“It’s okay,” he coaches.

Reluctantly Spencer accepts the hand and lets Rossi guide him into the office.

“Sit down, you look a little peeked.” He tells him, beckoning him to a chair. 

Yet to say a word and feeling over-simulated by the situation Reid can feel his body pretty much shutting down, but he does as he’s told and tries to force a response past his suddenly dry lips.

“What’s happening?” is all his 187 IQ brain can come up with after finding himself sitting, facing Rossi looking thoughtfully at him from behind the wide desk. 

“Hotch is busy,” Rossi says nonchalantly, as if he isn’t making a complete ass out of himself, “Strauss has him pinned, nothing to worry about, but knowing the wicked witch well I doubt it’ll be over quickly.”

Rossi smiles and suddenly Reid gets it. He's humouring him, acting as if nothing is out of the ordinary even though it very clearly is, don’t need to be a profiler to see that. Even in his confused and vulnerable state Reid knows Rossi can see right through him and is playing the situation to gain an advantage. Though to what end he has no idea.

“Despite what you may think I have no ulterior motive.” Rossi grins at his look of surprise before leaning forwards and adopting a more sombre concerned expression, “Is it something I can help with?” 

Reid starts rubbing his thumb against his index finger in a nervous repetitive motion. Head down he focuses on a spot on the floor, eyes occasionally flicking upward to gage the mood of the room, waiting Rossi out. Unfortunately the man just sits there drinking from his coffee cup, patient as a saint like this is a game, or maybe… an interrogation. Reid wants to kick himself again. 

“Did you know acorns were used as a coffee substitute during the civil war?”

“Interesting,” Rossi says it in a tone that suggests it really isn’t and the brief normalcy he felt vanishes to be replaced with self-conscious recrimination.

His abject disappointment must have been obvious because suddenly Rossi is no longer sat behind his desk, but sitting in the spare seat next to him. The stealthy-ness of how quickly he moves without being seen is amazing considering his age, but the surprise of having someone not only sneak up on him, but also invade his personal space has Reid blushing. 

“Sorry,” Spencer mutters, head down avoiding eye contact, feeling the need to explain his reaction, then realising sorry doesn’t explain a thing.

An IQ of 187 means squat in these situations. Socially he's dumber than 99% of the adult population, he’s sure of it. Meanwhile Rossi is smile proudly, as if finding his discomfiture amusing.

“You know my grandfather once said something to me after I married my first wife, ‘David, always weed your lawn, otherwise they’ll take root, grow to five times the size and be a real pain to get out.’”

“What does that mean?” Reid queries innocently, pulling his brows together in a frown.

“I’ve no idea.” Rossi chuckles lightly giving Spencer the feeling he’s finally done something right in the man’s eyes. 

Ever since they met he’s felt Rossi doesn’t know how to respond to him - understandable really, considering that's the reaction he gets from most people when they first meet him. Hotch, Morgan and of course Gideon being the first to ever treat him normally, as crazy as that sounds, but even that level comradery took a little time. Admittedly Morgan did tease him from the very second he stepped foot in the bullpen, but he learned quick that it was harmless friendly banter, not the mean teasing he’d come accustomed to, the kind he received from his peers at school, college and yes even the FBI academy, the one place he thought finally he’d be accepted for who he was. 

Seeing Rossi smile softly at him Spencer feels compelled to smile back, feeling much more relaxed than he had upon leaving the psychiatrist’s office, but recalling what had him running into the bullpen looking for comfort in the first place sobers him rather quickly. He feels stupid now, but it isn’t something he can control. Ever since he ended up at Hotch’s house admitting his problem, hell he felt like the world was ending that night, but it didn’t and even though his journey’s been fraught, he’s made it this far and Hotch is proud of him, he knows that. He also knows when he’s not feeling so great that Hotch will understand and look after him still. He’s not had a nightmare on the jet for a while, at least not since Rossi’s joined the team, but that may not continue to be the case if the so called Doctor in charge of his mental health keeps up his prodding. Only his team know the real truth of what happened...

Reid instantly flashes back on Tobias, the shed, the smell of burning fish guts, feel of the needle as it pierces his skin and takes all the pain, all the fear away…. Just for a little while. 

“Reid?”

Spencer hears his name being called but he can’t get the images out of his head, memories mixing between the shed, the cemetery and Hotch’s living room… his team, Hankel, the gun… 

Reid snaps his eyes open, the sensation of falling causing him to reach out, fight to catch hold of the nearest solid object.

He blinks, he's confused, looking down he sees his hands are encased in Rossi’s, the older man watching him with honest to god concern in his eyes telling him over and over again that he's safe.

"It's okay." Rossi tells him softly once he acknowledges his presence and place in the room.

"Sorry," Reid feels his face flush, heat instantly flooding his cheeks. 

"Nothing to be sorry for, take your time."

He sniffs and sits back lightly, leaving his hands entwined with Rossi’s, grateful for the grounding hold. They share a moment of uncomfortable silence before Spencer realises something. 

“Eight months ago I was kidnapped by an unsub with a dissociative identity disorder.” He takes a deep breath, steadying his voice before launching into the very subject he doesn’t want to talk about to that mean bastard of a shrink. 

Eyeing the older man still holding his hands to gage his reaction, Reid waits for the usual ‘you don’t have to’ speech, which is code for ‘I rather not know your pain thank you very much’ but Rossi remains silent, maintaining what little eye contact Spencer is allowing, waiting patiently for him to continue.

It’s difficult, but he does it, starting from the very beginning. Telling it like a story, just like Emily counselled him all those months ago. 

“…After one of the dominant personalities beat me,” His voice cracks on that admission, eyes finding the ceiling rather interesting, “the submissive personality tried to help me.”

“Help you how?” Rossi asks on cue.

Granted Reid would have waited forever before he admitted this next part, but thankfully he’s not misjudged the situation, a first for him he supposes, and Rossi asks the question again as soon as it's clear he won’t say anything further unless invited.

“He injected me with Dilaudid.” Reid announces shyly, knowing this will be the test as to whether Rossi means what he says or not. 

The strong reinforced grip of his hands tells him he does and Reid smiles, relaxing his shoulders allowing the hold to drop away while he shares the rest of the story. 

The funny thing about him is, despite being alone a lot of his life, he’s actually never been good at dealing with things without someone guiding him. Whether it be his mom in her lucid moments or a teacher or mentor he’s always looked to someone else to show him the way emotionally. His whole life he’s been desperate for that strong authority figure to help make the tough decisions with him. Ever since he took that aptitude test as a kid his life had been taken over by well-meaning adults wanting to push him to his intellectual limits. They focused so much on his intelligence that no one considered his emotional development. He told Gideon in New Orleans he’d been groomed for the BAU. What he meant was he’d allowed himself to be lead towards a career that not only allowed him to use his skills freely, but provided him with the security and structure of an over-protective family. 

“How old are you Spencer?” 

Rossi’s voice breaks through his thoughts.

“Sorry?”

“How old are you?” He repeats, eyeing him carefully.

“Twenty-six, one month and six days” He answers quickly.

His birthday was shortly before Rossi’s arrival. Morgan made sure to make him do just about everything he sucked at. They went to bars, had lots of drinks, he even danced. Or tried. The only thing which made it all worthwhile was that everyone was there, everyone but Gideon of course.

“You know when I turned eighteen I was drafted to Vietnam. Scary as hell. Over 40 years later I still have nightmares.”

“How’d you know I'm having nightmares?” Reid asks abruptly before he can stop himself, latching onto that keyword.

Rossi smiles meaningfully at him. Reid huffs a sigh. He didn’t know. But he does now.

“You ran into the bullpen looking like you’d seen a ghost. I knew something was up.” 

Reid deflates, but can’t really blame himself; he knows you can never hide anything from a profiler. 

“Strauss made us all see a FBI physiatrist after Gideon left as a condition of Hotch staying on as unit chief. He’s awful. He’s mean, shouts at me when I have no idea what to say and is obsessed in trying to get me to talk about what happened last February."

“Why?” Rossi frowns.

“Because I’ve stupidly told him about how when I was ten my father left, leaving me with my schizophrenic mother who couldn't remember what day it was let alone that she had a ten year old son sometimes.” Reid vents to the floor, he really doesn't want to sound like he blames his mom because he doesn't, but the frustration is hard to hide when he’s fighting to keep all his other emotions in check.

Sneaking a look up at Rossi through his fringe Reid doesn’t quite know how to read his current look, can safely say he’s not happy, but the reason why is what’s alluding him. 

“You okay?” He asks, earning him a quizzical look off Rossi in return.

“I’m good.” 

It’s a lie and Spencer knows it. He’s a profiler too after all, but before he can say anything else Rossi continues.

"Let me guess, this quack thinks you have unexplored abandonment issues?” Rossi’s expression softens, “Gideon left the same way your father did I take it?” 

Spencer knows everyone is pretty much aware of the circumstances surrounding Gideon’s departure so doesn’t feel the need to elaborate. “Yeah.” 

Rossi promptly sits forward and takes hold of his hands again, “I don’t know about your father, but I hope you’re not thinking Gideon left because of what happened to you. Whatever had Gideon walking away was all him kiddo, trust me.”

Spencer sucks in a breath, feels like he’s been hit by a brick. The truth is despite how self-absorbed it sounds that’s exactly what he's been thinking. If he wasn’t so needy, if he’d stayed out of trouble more, if he’d just been… better? After all his father’s and Gideon’s last words to him where eerily similar, ‘I don’t know what to do anymore’ - ‘I don’t know how to do it anymore’ and of course Reid being who he is can’t forget either one.

“I forgot you knew him too.” Reid smiles weakly not daring to admit hearing someone say the words actually helps.

“You forgot?” Rossi mocks good-heartedly.

“Figure of speech.” He smiles in return, a real honest smile that nearly reaches his eyes. It feels good.

“Everything okay?” The words in the familiar deep voice come after a swift knock on the door which has been left ajar.

Spencer snaps his head around, startled to see Hotch standing there looking drawn and tired. 

“Better than you,” Rossi shoots back jokingly, giving Reid time to compose himself. “Strauss giving you hell?”

“No more than usual.” Is Hotch’s eventual reply, his eyes tracking the pair of them, looking for signs of what's going on.

While his two much older colleagues have a silent conversation over his head Reid releases his hands from Rossi’s and swipes at his eyes, not having realised he’d been so close to crying. Sitting between them, head down gaze to the floor Spencer is aware that the shared contact and close proximity certainly indicate something more than a casual conversation is occurring. That and the fact he's sitting in Rossi’s office of course. 

“I better get back to work.” He tries to sound casual about it but knows from their expressions of concern he’s fooling know one.

“Actually I haven’t had lunch yet. Why don’t you join me for coffee?” Hotch offers holding his arm out.

Spencer takes the hint and gingerly standing waves a little goodbye to Rossi before preceding Hotch out the door.

.


	20. Chapter 20

Rossi first catches sight of Reid out the corner of his eye as a fast moving blur climbing the stairs. Now the kid excitedly racing around the office isn’t anything new. He’s taken note of the number of barked ‘Reid’s’ he’s heard while on a case from Morgan and Hotch, the shoulder taps, the looks, the simple instructions of walk don’t run. From what he’s seen so far Hotch has taken it on himself to steer the kid in whenever he gets off track and it's amuses him that the often serious FBI agent he knows Hotch to be is pandering after one of his subordinates like a kindergarten teacher, but right now it's the urgency with which the kid is moving that has Rossi out of his seat and walking into the corridor to see what's the matter.

Watching, careful not to be seen, he can tell Spencer is having some sort of crisis. The way he stops dead strides away from Hotch’s office door, looking forlorn, big brown eyes so expressive even the most psychopathic of unsub’s couldn’t help but feel for him suggests he needs help and fast. Moving closer gets Rossi a better look into Hotch’s office and seeing Strauss the puzzle pieces fall mostly into place. Spencer is already backing away so neither Hotch nor Strauss can see him and looking down into the main bullpen Rossi notes not one member of the team is in sight. Checking his watch confirms it - lunch time. Question is why isn't the kid with them? A better question is why is Spencer running through halls like his ass is on fire, looking like he’ll burst into tears any minute?

Morgan calls him Pretty Boy quite often and Rossi can see how the nickname fits, even though Reid seems to be oblivious. He certainly isn’t the kind of field agent Rossi is used to. For starters he looks all of 12 years old and at first he thought maybe he's the only one who notices, but after his welcome to the team drink out where Emily, Morgan and even Hotch proceeded to take the piss out of Reid’s young looks by sending him up to the bar to get carded by every new bar tender he conceded it's just something they and him are used too by now. Since their recent case of Angela Miller in Texas, where the militia landlord threaten to snap him like a twig Rossi gets that protecting Reid from the general populace that wants to label him is simply part of the job. And really how can anyone not want to look out for the kid? Especially now, seeing him looking lost and alone even in his own office. 

Bringing himself back to the problem of the moment, Rossi comes to the conclusion that something is definitely very wrong when he catches sight of the slight shaking in Reid’s hands, with Hotch occupied and the others gone Dave knows he needs to step up to the plate. Mainly because it's the right thing to do, but also because if he lets him leave in the state he’s in Rossi's sure Hotch, not to mention Morgan and the women, would rake him over the coals for it later when they found out. 

“Spencer?” 

Reid spins around looking surprised to see him. “Agent Rossi? I- I’m fine.” He squeaks, quickly averting his eyes.

Rossi smiles, he can’t help it. Forget twelve! The startled upset baby face in front of him right now has to belong to a kid barely out of diapers. What's wrong he doesn’t know, but he's now compelled to find out.

“I didn’t ask, but okay.” He says smoothly, making out he's going back inside his office. “I’ve heard you lie better though.”

Reid looks skittish and for a second, head cocked to the side looking back at Hotch’s office Rossi thinks he might just make a run for it. The office door is shut now though and his disappointment is evident. 

“Why don’t you come inside?” 

Reid whips his head back around, watching him carefully.

“I think they’re going to be a while,” he nods at Hotch’s closed door.

“It’s okay,” he coaches, taking his hand, noticing the now very visual all over shaking of Reid’s thin frame. "Sit down, you look a little peeked.” He tells him, guiding the kid towards the nearest chair. 

Taking his own seat behind the desk Rossi maintains his calm exterior, not wanting to let on that he knows something's wrong. 

“What’s happening?” Reid speaks, looking completely confused.

“Hotch is busy,” Rossi says carefully, keeping his voice light to hide his concern. “Strauss has him pinned, nothing to worry about, but knowing the wicked witch well I doubt it’ll be over quickly.”

The twinkle in Reid’s eye and focused expression tells Rossi he’s realised his own behaviour as off and from the short time he’s known the kid Spencer is about to try and make an excuse to leave. He needs to distract him, before he has a chance to over think the situation. 

“Despite what you may think I have no ulterior motive.” Rossi grins at the expression of surprise, but then leans forward and allowing his concern to show asks seriously, “Is it something I can help with?” 

They sit looking at one another, but Rossi is content to wait him out, he isn’t in a rush. As he casually drinks the remnants of his late morning coffee Reid fidgets a little under the scrutiny and starts rubbing his thumb against his index finger in a repetitive motion. Dave mentally adds it to the numerous other ticks he’s noticed about the young genius Hotch is so intent on protecting. They were on the jet for his third case with the team when he first learned of Reid’s eidetic memory. Blindsided he’d been unable to hold in his surprise when the kid started reciting his book verbatim. Morgan’s less than subtle cue to shut up which encouraged the kid’s softly utter apology was unnecessary though. He wasn’t angry, or weirder out. In fact put together with Reid’s dislike of personally tense situations, lack of social skills and amazing IQ a minor form of autism would explain a lot. He's had experience with all types of people over his vast years in the marines, FBI and lustrous book career and can recognise the combined traits as something more than inconsequential ticks. Now no parent likes to hear anything upsetting about their kid, and telling Hotch his youngest is almost certainly mildly autistic is probably a really stupid idea this early in the game. But then that’s assuming he doesn’t already know, no one has said anything, but Rossi gets the feeling they’re all aware Reid is different and compensate for it accordingly, even if Reid doesn’t seem to notice it himself. 

“Did you know acorns were used as a coffee substitute during the civil war?”

Rossi blinks at the out of left field announcement. It’s a short statement considering Reid’s penchant for talking without stopping for breath and so he feels compelled to say something to break the resurgence of silence.

“Interesting.” 

Spencer’s face drops even further if that’s possible. He hadn’t meant to hurt his feelings, but being a good profiler and convincing actor are not necessarily harmonious. He can convince a hostage taker willing to kill everyone around him to surrender but no way in hell can he convincingly pretend that fact was even remotely interesting, but knowing Spencer is different to most Agents Rossi does something different than what he’d do with say Morgan or Prentiss. He stands from behind his desk and takes the chair next to Reid. The kid doesn’t seem to even notice, so lost in the rhythm of his fingers moving one over the other still, expression lost and vulnerable. 

“Sorry,” Spencer mutters to the floor upon finally noticing him.

Rossi smiles sadly, it’s hard not to feel for the kid. No wonder the team love him with such protective passion. 

“You know my grandfather once said something to me after I married my first wife, ‘David, always weed your lawn, otherwise they’ll tske root, grow to five times the size and be a real pain to get out.’” Telling his story Rossi realises he’s actually more than old enough to be Spencer’s father, which is a frightening thought.

“What does that mean?” Reid looks at him with a frown marring his youthful features.

And that is what he’s coming to love about this kid, his honesty when he doesn’t understand something. As a genius he could easily be smug and try and lord it over everyone every chance he gets, but he doesn’t. There’s plenty he doesn’t understand and he knows it, but most of the time Reid isn’t ashamed to admit it, even when others are laughing around him. Rossi’s just ashamed that seeing the kid’s vulnerable side makes him feel like not such the idiot.

“I’ve no idea.” Rossi laughs.

Spencer smiles back at his admission and it feels good to make the kid happy, but he sobers at his next thought which the father revelation invoked. His son, had he lived more than that one day, would have been only a few years older than Spencer and though he doubts his own offspring would have been quite so awkward, or dare he say adorable as an adult, he still can’t help comparing the two by looking at Reid and seeing what James could have been.

He sees Spencer has sobered too, though Rossi can’t guess why he’d bet it has everything to do with the reason he came running up to Hotch’s office in the first place. The smile gone, his eyes are now distant, wide in fear, breathing shallow and Rossi thinks he knows what this is, he’s seen it before in others, enough to recognise the symptoms even if he doesn’t know the trigger.

“Reid?” Rossi inches forward in his seat. 

Dave slips to the edge of his seat, taking Spencer’s palms he repeats the same phrase over and over, reminding Reid where he is, when and that he’s safe. Sandwiching the kid’s hands between his own, Rossi runs his thumbs over the thin wrists in concentric circles. 

“Spencer, listen to my voice, you’re safe.”

After a minute Spencer blinks and Rossi feels relief flooding his body as he comes out of the flashback. They sit in silence for a second, Rossi giving him time to catch his breath and come to terms before speaking.

“It’s okay, take your time,” he comforts, keeping in contact with him, Reid’s grip being the main reason he isn’t letting go.

“Sorry,” Spencer nods snuffling, trying to hide the tears. 

"Nothing to be sorry for, take your time."

They sit together in silence for barely a minute, then without warning he suddenly starts talking. Several words stick out for Dave. Beaten, tortured, Dilaudid. Rossi doesn’t take his eyes off the kid as he explains what happen eight short months ago. Rossi squeezes his hands at the drug admission sensing there’s more and understanding Reid's asking for absolution for whatever may come apparent. 

“How old are you Spencer?” Rossi leans back once the story ends, eyeing him carefully.

He has to ask him a second time before Reid understands the question.

“Twenty-six, one month and six days” Spencer nods.

Allowing a small smile at his precision Rossi realises Gideon must have missed his birthday.

“You know when I turned eighteen I was drafted to Vietnam. Scary as hell. Over 40 years later I still have nightmares.”

“How’d you know I'm having nightmares?” Reid asks seemingly shocked he's worked out what's wrong already.

Rossi smiles meaningfully, not knowing whether to be insulted or not, Kid maybe a genius, but that doesn’t equate for age and experience. “You ran into the bullpen looking like you’d seen a ghost. I knew something was up.” 

“Strauss made us all see a FBI physiatrist after Gideon left.” The kid announces with a sigh. “It was a condition of Hotch staying on as unit chief. He’s awful, he’s mean, shouts at me when I have no idea what to say and is obsessed in trying to get me to talk about what happened last February."

Rossi listens to Reid bad mouth the shrink. One who either has no idea about Reid’s possible difficulties or at the very least his personal history. The idiot is treating him like any rookie agent and that's his first mistake. If Rossi is right and he's pretty sure he is then it isn’t surprising Reid's struggling to answer the questions. He can possibly fake his answers, but clearly being that devious isn’t in his nature, not from what he’s seen, not unless pushed to shut down, which he will soon if the shrink keeps up. Only he wouldn’t just shut down with him, he’d shut down with everyone and that is Rossi’s main worry right now.

“Why?”

“Because I’ve stupidly told him about how when I was ten my father left, leaving me with my schizophrenic mother who couldn't remember what day it was let alone that she had a ten year old son sometimes.” Reid diverts his gaze to the floor, looking closer to the edge now than he did while telling him about the Dilaudid. 

To say he’s mad would be a gross understatement. At the shrink, at the bastard that kidnapped him and especially at the kid’s father, who granted he’s never met, never heard anything about until today, but any man who abandons his family like that isn’t anyone David Rossi wants to share a room with.

“You okay?” 

Dave snaps his gaze forward to see Spencer, head still bent, looking up at him through his long hair.

Rossi schools his features, “I’m good,” then quickly continues before Reid can call him out on the obvious lie. "Let me guess, this quack thinks you have unexplored abandonment issues?” softening his features he asks “Gideon left the same way your father did I take it?”

A shy ‘yeah’ is his only response.

Rossi promptly sits forward and takes hold of his hands again. “I don’t know about your father, but I hope you’re not thinking Gideon left because of what happened to you.” Seeing it in his face as the truth Dave hastens to correct him, “Whatever had Gideon walking away was all him kiddo, trust me.”

Spencer blushes and smiles weakly at the nickname which pleases him.

“I forgot you knew him too.”

“You forgot?” Rossi mocks.

“Figure of speech.” Reid smiles, a real honest smile that warms Rossi’s heart because he knows he put it there.

“Everything okay?” The stern words come after a swift knock on the door.

Rossi looks over to see Hotch standing there looking drawn and tired, worried gaze landing on Spencer. 

“Better than you,” he shoots back, assuring him they're good and he has a handle on it. “Strauss giving you hell?”

“No more than usual,” Is Hotch’s eventual reply.

Their eyes meet and without a word they have a conversation. Spencer's between them, staring at the floor. Feeling a slight tug Rossi lets his hands go and watches him swipe at his eyes, removing the slight dampness that appeared when he’d spoken of his time as a hostage and reappeared upon his mentioning Gideon’s departure. Hotch notices too and Rossi sees the slight panic in his face, but one solid look stops him before he can move, and a raised hand tells him he’ll explain later. Hotch takes the cue reluctantly and instead acts like he hasn't seen, asking Reid to join him for coffee instead when the kid tries to make his escape. 

Reid nods and stands, waving a little goodbye to Rossi before ducking out the room Hotch following. Rossi watches them go with a surprisingly heavy heart. He’s pretty sure he doesn’t know everything about the kid yet, or any of the team really, but despite the short time together he realises he’s coming to care for them all, in ways he’s never imagined possible.  
.


	21. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter. ..

Being able to send the team home early for a change gives Hotch a sense of pride he’s not felt in a long time. With Haley gone he’s not really had much to go home for, but that doesn’t mean everyone else has to suffer along with him and wants them to know that. Rossi comes up behind him as he looking down into the bullpen, leaning on the railing watching the team talk about what they're doing tonight. 

“He’s a strange kid.” Rossi says and instantly Hotch knows who he’s talking about.

“I like to think of him as unique.” He answers smiling.

“Team’s lucky to have him, with his IQ I’m sure he could have done anything with his life and been a success.”

“Five years ago Gideon is called by a professor friend at Caltech. Tells him he has something he might be interested in.” Hotch smiles at the memory. “Jason thought he was talking about an exhibit.”

Rossi laughs at the joke, knowing Jason Gideon’s reaction to the surprise that is Spencer Reid. 

“That’s a bit like finding an abandoned baby on your doorstep.” 

“Only if you leave your baby on the steps of the FBI.” Hotch chuckles and frowns at the same time. “His mind is amazing, but he struggles to focus sometimes.”

“I’ve noticed.” Rossi smiles wirily and they share a laugh.

Comforted by the fact he won’t have to explain the mystery that is Spencer Reid, seeing as Dave has worked him out already Hotch moves on to what he really wants to talk about.

“Reid thinks Gideon left because of him doesn’t he?” He says seriously. 

Rossi gives him a knowing look, speaking carefully. “He feels he's a factor.”

Hotch lets the confirmation of what he's feared for a while now settle in his mind.

“He okay otherwise?”

“Panic attack. Flash back. I dealt with it.” Rossi shrugs, like it's no big deal.

“Thank You” Hotch turns, looking Dave dead in the eye, “for looking after him.” 

“Did you know he’s still seeing the FBI shrink?” Rossi asks brushing over the thanks.

Hotch nods sombrely. “Yeah, partly why Strauss was in my office earlier putting the pressure on, she isn’t happy he hasn’t been cleared yet.”

“Well did you know said shrink has submitted for extra government funding to investigate PTSD therapy – I checked.” Rossi adds with a snap. “From what Reid's told me I think he’s purposefully inducing PTSD episodes in the kid in order to add his case to the research proposal,”

Face unreadable Hotch looks straight ahead, and Rossi knows that shrink is as good as dead. “I think I'll pay his office a visit in the morning.”

“Good,” he chuckles dangerously, “I’ll join you.”

They slip into momentary silence when the action in the bullpen picks up. Literally. Morgan has thrown Reid over his shoulder, carrying him towards the door hold so tight there's no way the kid can escape unharmed, and with Garcia and Prentiss following close behind discussing cocktails Rossi can only assume they're heading out to a bar. 

 

“So why did Gideon leave?” Rossi asks suddenly watching the group head out. “I mean I get the BAU I do, there comes a time when you’ve got nothing left, but I’ve been here less than a month and I can see how close you all are… it doesn’t make sense.”

Hotch sighs regretfully, “I really wish I knew.”

Rossi knows there’s more behind that tone. And her name is Haley.

“I know Gideon had trouble excepting what happened to Reid.”

“And what is that?” Rossi fishes, playing dumb.

“He told you about Georgia.” Hotch looks at him blankly and Rossi nods, confirming what he’d already suspected. 

“It came up.”

Hotch turns away again. “Hankel streamed a live video feed of Reid to his home computer where we could watch. He was tied to a chair, hurt, bleeding. We saw him for a short while before the feed was cut, but not before Hankel hit him repeatedly and made him choose a couple to die. After the murder was posted online Gideon made the decision to take away his audience and Hankel took that out on Reid, turned the stream back on, beat him until he stopped breathing. Garcia and Gideon watched the whole thing, the rest of us were working in the other room, we didn’t know what had happened until we heard Garcia screaming, by the time we came in Hankel was gone and Reid was lying on the floor, not breathing.”

Obviously he survived and Rossi doesn’t bother asking how, that isn’t important now.

“You ever watch the full tape?”

“As soon as we were back and Reid was safe.” Hotch admits quietly, sounding ashamed.

“You needed to know.” 

Rossi understands that better than anyone.

“Gideon leaving the way he did, I thought we’d lose Reid too.” He admits his fear.

Haley called Gideon his work wife which in contrast made Reid his work kid. Haley had left before he knew about Gideon being gone for good. He’d already lost his wife and son in his life permanently and somehow losing Reid as well after everything else would have been the icing on the cake he couldn’t bear.

“You love the kid,” Rossi sounds only mildly surprised. 

“This team is family.” Hotch says, in a rare soft moment, one he can only have with someone who knows him well, he isn’t as young as Reid, or in such need of guidance when he joined the BAU, but Rossi had been his Gideon.

“You know if you need help sharing the burden I’m happy to oblige.” Rossi says and Hotch smiles crookedly back at him. “Kid kind of grows on ya.” He dismisses the fishing look with a humour filled chuckle.

While they're still laughing JJ walks up to them cell in hand, "Hey, are you coming to the bar? I just got a text from Morgan that says if we don't hurry up he's selling Reid to the highest bidder, whatever that means." 

"I think there's a cop charity auction tonight," Rossi provides the answer.

JJ blanches and tries not to run off looking worried while Hotch looks to Rossi, eyebrows raised in invitation. 

"Go save the kid, I'll be there just got something I need to do first."

..

It's late, Hotch and JJ should be with the rest at the bar by now and hopefully that’ll be enough to save Reid from slavery. Rossi plans on joining them, but like he said to Aaron - he has something he needs to do first. That something has led him to the basement. He’s had to ask one of the techs for help, since what he's looking for isn’t on a tape or even disk, not anywhere within the FBI anyway. It's stored in a sealed classified file on the mainframe along with the rest of the case details. He knows he could have asked Garcia, but that would have entailed explaining and despite Reid confiding in him, he’d rather him not find out about this through a third party.

“Here they are, all the cases for February,” the tech set him up on the lone computer down in the far corner, the only computer the file is accessible from thanks to Hotch. 

“Thank you.” Rossi glares at the young man, friendly like until he gets the hint to leave. 

Alone Rossi clicks the mouse above the file labelled 214, innocuous for what it contained and entered the password Hotch oh so helpfully left on his desk before leaving - like he and Gideon always said, 'once a profiler' - It opens and presents him with a choice. Going straight for what he's there for Rossi clicks on the video file. It springs to life almost immediately, the screen black at first before filling with an image of a familiar face followed by an unfamiliar voice…

_“You really see inside men’s minds boy?” ___

__End._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: TA DAAA! Well thank you all very much for reading, hope you had as much fun as I did writing. You can let me know by clicking that little button!


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